Loneliness - how do I make new friends in my thirties

[littlemisseatsherfeelings]

Just that basically. I have some wonderful friends so I feel immense guilt posting this (and I feel guilty for feeling this way for a couple of years now) because they are good friends to me, but none of them are nearby so day to day I feel lonely. Those friends that are local seem to have no time for me.

I have an almost 2 year old, so I did make some 'mum friends' whilst on Mat Leave but I have been back at work full time for a year now and we only see each other occasionally for play dates and chat on group messaging about once a week. Even those weeks where I have seen them a bit more, we run out of conversation. I don't feel like I belong in their lives, like I am just a passing acquaintance.

I feel ridiculous saying this at 34 but I long for a 'BFF'! A friend to call my own, a friend who I can see after work for an hour with my kid but also someone to spend the evening with after he's gone to bed. Someone who will go dancing with me and invite me out to do anything we did before I was a mum - am I alone in thinking I have not suddenly become incapable of existing as my own person just because I had a child? I feel like a lot of other people wrote me off as 'unavailable' as soon as I had a kid and I'm over here like helllloooo! I'm still alive! Did anyone else feel this way?

Someone to check in on me almost daily, and me to do the same for them without being made to feel like I'm clingy.

I have tried volunteering with the NCT on a regular basis but cannot seem to break the barrier of just polite chit chat at an event and then not making any further progress beyond that meeting. I regret not having been on an NCT ante natal course before having my son as that seems to be a sure fire way to make friends.

In the absence of that environment where you are thrown together with people of your age group and interests (e.g. Uni) where do I start?

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi,

Other than DH I don't have any close friends either, so not the best person to advise really. The only time I've ever had a very close friend other than DH was at uni. Now a similar age to you with no kids yet. Have tried meeting people through hobbies, but not really met anyone I'd be close friends with. Luckily I've always been comfortable in my own company, its just when DH is ill (I'm his carer) I sometimes wish I'd got someone in rl to chat with about it all.

[dangermouseisace]

I don't think I could cope with someone who checked in almost daily but maybe I'm weird!

I found 'mum friends' didn't happen properly til the kids started school and we could socialise without them! I think 30's is an age where everything changes…either you've had kids and can't go out or your mates have just had kids and then can't go out and then when everyone has finished procreating nobody can be bothered any more!

I'm a member of an amateur sports club- I've met lots of people through there that I would class as friends, we chat about anything and everything whilst training (and sometimes meet up for other stuff) and get fit at the same time. There might also be meet up groups in your area (google it)

[littlemisseatsherfeelings]

Hi Anxious, thanks for your reply. Sorry it sounds like you have some tough days too. I've tried looking into local meet ups in my area but most are related to sport (not my bag) or mum groups (in the week when I'm at work). I just wondered if there was something out there that loads of people knew about that I was missing.

[littlemisseatsherfeelings]

Dangermouse you're right about thirties being a bit of a turning point, I acknowledge that, just don't know how to progress through/beyond this stage.

I have a wonderful husband and I do often like my own company, but things are lonely even when you take those things into consideration.

I think someone checking in on you that regularly is what your closest friends would do to be honest. I don't think it's weird.

[user1476140278]

School is a great place to make friends. When DS begins, you will find it easier OP. When they're toddlers it's hard in my opinion....I was lonely too.x

[PinkSquash]

I'm in my 30s and found myself utterly friendless, it sucks. Can't offer any advice but can offer

[dangermouseisace]

littlemiss that's why I said maybe I am weird (no, I literally am a bit weird and a bit anti-social )

you could always set up a meet up littlemiss one of the dads in the previous city I lived did this- he just figured there must be other people in his situation that wanted to socialise and set it up, and people joined in. In our local area there is a social meet up thing…lots of different activities going on…I've not had the courage to go but there are sporty things, cinema trips, music etc. Basically someone suggests something and puts it up and people go. I guess someone must have set it up initially!

[littlemisseatsherfeelings]

Thanks Pinksquash, sorry to her you feel the same way :(

Dangermouse we humans are all a little weird I think :) I think I will have to be brave and give it a go. When you say he set it up, where did he do that? Online, Facebook, noticeboards?

[littlemisseatsherfeelings]

*hear not her!

[dangermouseisace]

if you go to meetup.com you can register- you might find something in your area that you like the sound of or arrange something yourself.

I agree that school is a great place to make friends- usually other mums have started to get their lives back by then too.

[dangermouseisace]

it was on there that I found his meetup which was funny as I was looking for single parent meet ups and neither of us had a clue that the other was a single parent!