I have a horrible feeling that we will lose DD2

[maybethedayafter]

DD2 is 4 months old, born at 33+4 with relatively few problems in stark contrast to DD1 who was born at 28+1 and had a difficult battle through NICU which has left her with breathing problems. But because DD2 has had an easy time so far I'm constantly expecting it to all go wrong.

This past week DD1 has been in hospital with pneumonia and DD2 was admitted for a night with bronchiolitis. DD1 was much more poorly and on the brink of transfer to intensive care. DD2 was alert and smiling even when she was admitted and they actually provided no treatment, just observation. But I still just think it's going to go horribly wrong with DD2. I'm just waiting.

[Mummamayhem]

Oh gosh having poorly children is utterly terrifying. I remember experiencing similar (thankfully only with my son not both) and the whole hospital thing drove my anxiety over board, he was so unwell over a period of time I felt similar. It's horrible being helpless to help them and to keep having to be strong when your not feeling it but they are in the best place and the hospital will be keeping a close eye on things. Maybe this might be just me but I have an odd sense of permanence with my eldest, she's sort of ingrained as part of me that it is unimaginable to think otherwise where as my son was so new that he didn't seem as 'safe'...God that sounds ridiculous written down but...!

[maybethedayafter]

That doesn't sound ridiculous.

I almost think with my eldest I was forced to confront the very real possibility that we might lose her and thank god (or whoever) that we didn't but I have already stared the worst possible scenario in the face with her so it sort of makes it not scary. Whereas with DD2 that hasn't happened. Maybe I feel that I'm waiting for the thing that will make me confront it with her. With DD1 I was at such an elevated level of anxiety regarding her health for such a long time, it's like I don't know how to be anything different with a healthy child. Now that sounds ridiculous! I should just enjoy it but I worry that the second I relax and enjoy having healthy children that's when it will all get snatched away.

[Mummamayhem]

I can't make it better but I completely understand. That fear that if you stop worrying and relax the unexpected will happen.

Be kind to yourself, two unwell children is really very hard, exhausting physically and mentally. I did briefly use sertraline to get me out of a bad place which I'd worried myself silly about taking but wish I'd gone to my GP sooner. If you haven't already, why not do that. Good luck

[maybethedayafter]

I'm on a low dose of Citalopram and I'm having CBT to deal with PTSD following their premature births. Being back in the hospital this past week has been hard - same hospital, same sounds, same smells. I hate hospitals now. They are both home now and doing okay (DD2 is struggling a bit but there's not much you can do for bronchiolitis). Thank you for replying and sharing your experiences, that in itself does make it a little better because the feeling of loneliness and isolation makes it worse and knowing that someone understands takes that away.

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

Please don't think this is callous, but... Look at the mayhem happening in Syria and how childrn manage to survive. Childrn are a lot more resilient than we often give them credit for. That is not to say that you should not care for yours, but rather to try and help you see a sense of perspective.

The medics will look afer DD1. They do a fantastic job. If DD2 doesn't need help they won't waste effort. But they will make sur she is OK.

Good luck and wishing you well.

[Penfold007]

Maybe I remember your earlier thread you and your family have had a dreadful week. I do empathise, I had a crash section and a prem poorly baby who has gone on to have respiratory issues. When DC2 arrived with much less drama though still prem I was utterly convinced they wouldn't survive. It took a very supportive health visitor to convince me that things would be okay. Be kind to yourself and take all the RL support you can get.

[maybethedayafter]

Professor, my fears are completely irrational and unfounded. I worry, with no basis whatsoever, that DD2 will not be okay, not necessarily as a result of this illness now, just that something will happen that will take her from us. Yes, she is miserable with a horrible, continuous cough but she is okay. I just don't think she always will be. Almost that I don't deserve for her to be.

Penfold it sounds like we've had remarkably similar experiences. I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from, obviously I'm not glad that you had a crap experience too and that you had the same feelings, but I'm glad I'm not alone in the way I feel. I do know that the thought process isn't rational - it's almost that "she's okay now, which means at some point she won't be".

I do know there are greater things going on in the world and people are in much worst positions than myself but unfortunately that doesn't just switch off these feeling.

[BecauseIamabear]

Mabe,
I don't know if it helps to you understand you are being irrational?
For instance, even though the evidence is pretty conclusive that people have been having babies for millions of years, my sister thought she was the only person in the world who could look after her DD when she was a new mum.She laughs about it now. I can only guess it is part of the rich tapestry of being a mum..

I would as you to re-consider the notion that you don't deserve for DD (1 or 2) to be OK. What it behind that?