Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
I don't know how to start this off as my heads a complete mess. I've been going over events and things that happened as a kid, teen and adult.
Over the years I've realised that my mum has never really listened to me or even liked me. This has been proven time and again over the years as she always took my younger brother's side when he started fights with me and I simply defended myself. She never listened to my side of the story and believed him.
It got so bad that I holed myself in my bedroom just to get away from them. This was to try and minimise the risk of being blamed for many minor and major things. There were times when I tripped up and hurt myself, drawing blood, and mum used to say "If you would lift your bloody feet then maybe you wouldn't have hurt yourself, you stupid girl" or when it came to my school report she used to say "You got those crap grades because you are stupid and are lazy".
Dad, on the other hand, always got my side of things regarding the fights my brother started, and instead of berating me for my school grades, he sat down with me and worked out what I struggled with and helped as much as he could. He saw that I worked hard to get those grades, and I could have done better had I got the support I needed, which dad pressed very hard for, but mum was more content calling me thick, stupid, bone idle, lazy and an idiot.
Those words stung and stuck. I'm now struggling with not having dad around and any time I go round to see mum, she ALWAYS bitches at me for something. I've done what I can to help her, but she just throws everything back in my face. If I don't help, she tells my brothers that I've not been in touch or round to help. This is despite the fact that she will not even pick up the phone to ask how DS and DD are, even though she will phone my brothers and have a chat.
My younger brother (the one I'm talking about most) has now said that I'm a layabout and a f***ing joke. This is hardly the case as I'm up and at'em at 4am EVERY morning and don't stop until 10pm. This includes dog training, housework, painting and decorating (we've had to get our loft mains water tank replaced and DD's ceiling replaced and plastered), exercising the dogs (separate from the training I do), gardening as well as finding the time to help our friends out.
I told my brother that I don't go round because I feel totally unwelcome, like mum can't wait to get rid of me and the DC, that I'm not good enough and that I fell I don't belong in the family. I'm struggling with these feelings as well as the fact that I was the victim in an incident and tried to tell mum about it, but she either didn't have the time or wouldn't make the time (she had the time to sit and read the newspaper or watch TV). Dad broke down when I told him and apologised profusely about not being there for me when I needed it most. He said "Snort, I'm so, so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. Had I known what you went through, I would have been there for you all the way".
Fast forward to now and I'm left feeling like I've been cast out, but also feelings of guilt over not bring there for mum. I can't bring myself to even look at her now, yet I can't help feeling guilty for walking away..........that I should be doing more to help her. My younger brother insists that mum has issues with me, but she has never said anything about any issues she has with me, even though I've given numerous opportunities for her to discuss these.
All this, and more, has left me feeling detached from all emotions except total and utter despair. I've got to the point where I just want to go to a quiet place and stop living. I go to bed hoping that I never wake up again. The fortunate thing is that I'm too much of a wuss to actively take an overdose or slit my wrists, but I just don't want to live anymore.
I'll end this post here as I've things to do, but I'll be back later. Someone please give me a good boot up the arse. I need it TBH.
Big hugs to you it sounds tough. I've been in that place where I didn't want to wake up, its so hard. I would recommend seeing you GP and telling them how you are feeling. I found anti depressants very helpful to lift me out of that dark place. I would also reccomend councelling to help you work through these issues. There is also a book called "They F**k you up" which is helpful for dealing with parental issues. Put yourself and your DCs first we all need to be a little selfish sometimes to stay healthy.
Apologies for not getting back sooner. I had to go and be there for a friend who has just lost a close relative.
Anxious, I have spoken to my GP about NHS and private counselling. The minimum wait is around the 4 month mark before I even have an assessment. The other problem is that I don't know how to be selfish. I'm also not sure who would understand what I've realised I've been through with my mum and brother. I feel so empty, tired, despondent, dissociated with reality (like I'm watching my life unfold through a camera lens).
Am getting an early one tonight, but will be back tomorrow morning.
When I read some of the tales of peoples unreasonable and downright lousy behaviour I am always struck by one thought..
That person is someones son, daughter. Yes even Peter Sutcliffe has a mum. And the rest of the family are stuck with being associated with them. I guess for you (op) the unreasonable one is your mum. You didn't ask for someone who could be so nasty as a mum. But you are lumbered with her. What really hurts is that you want your M&D to be gods. And of late you are comming to understand they are far from godlike.
Without going into details, my father has many "issues" which have had a lot of undesirable effects on me over my life. It has taken me a long time to get used to the idea he is just another sad and inadequate person who causes as much hurt as happiness. I have found that just accepting him for what he is rather than wishing he could be better helps.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.