I just want to be the old me

[MissRabbitIsMyIdol]

I've never been absolutely in love with myself or had the highest self esteem, but I used to have hope and excitement and, probably a little bit of innocence. Then my daughter was born 12 weeks early and everything was forever changed. In part everything was different because I had become a parent, but those 2 months in NICU and having to confront the mortality of my newborn in the days when I should have been struggling with breastfeeding and sleep depravation ripped my joy and innocence from me. It's so stupid but I found some Tommee Tippee bottles in the loft the other day and they came as part of a set that I bought in preparation of her arrival. Looking at those bottles I was filled with the excitement that I had when I first opened the box of stuff and emptied it on our living room floor. And then I was sharply reminded that the hopes and excitement I had were never felt in the way they should have been. I should say that my daughter is here, well and (obviously) perfect. She is nearly 3 and has just become a big sister. But the outcome bring positive doesn't mean the experience was. I am having CBT to try to address some of this stuff and it is helping but then you find a stupid baby bottle and it knocks it all on its head. I've heard about a treatment to do with eye movements (I can't remember what it was called) and I think that might be worth a go as one thing the CBT hasn't addressed is the utter jealousy I feel whenever I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby or if something reminds me of when I was filled with the joy they now have. I just want the old me back, but I know she's gone now.

[AnxiousCarer]

Big hugs Miss Rabbit, that sounds like a really tough time. I wonder if you are experiencing some PTSD? Obviously not qualified to diagnose, but sounds similar to my PTSD following DHs illness. I think that what you are describing is called EDMR and is supposed to be very good for PTSD, I've not tried it yet and wouldn't be sure how to access it.

Is your CBT NHS? If so they may want you to complete the course first before looking at refering you on for another treatment. Could you discuss itwith your CBT therapist or GP?

[MissRabbitIsMyIdol]

Thanks Anxious. The CBT therapist said she wouldn't diagnose as full PTSD but I we have done some trauma specific work to, in effect, desensitise myself to it. It has helped to a point but I think the problem is it was no one event, it was 9 weeks of varying degrees of trauma which lead me to feel this way. DD2 was born less than 4 months ago, also premature but not as poorly, but that's obviously brought it all back to the forefront of my mind. I do have PND as well which I am having treatment for. It is through the NHS, yes. I'm going to read up about EMDR as I don't really understand the principle but I hear it can be very effective.

[MissRabbitIsMyIdol]

EDMR even!