Bi polar partner

[Tiredqueen87]

DP has bi polar.
DD Just turned 6 months, as a whole we are fine and happy, love one another very much.
I'm struggling to get him to see beyond himself . Is this the norm? Do I just have to deal with it?

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

Tired,
I am a manic depressive... I much prefer that to bipolar..
I can no more change than a leopard can change its spots. DP still loves me, but I am very difficult to live with. Even I say that.

I can function without meds most of the time and my mood varies within reasonable limits. But I keep the meds with me at all time, just in case I go off the rails. I use Valproaic acid semi sodium.. It helps deal with excessive manic part, but not so good with the deprssion. One good thing is that it has a short life and is not in any way addictive.

I don't want to sound blunt, but you have to find mechanisms to cope. My good friend knows me well and talks about parrots whenever she recognises I am getting over the top...

good luck.

[PatSajack]

What do you mean he can't "see beyond himself," and what makes you think this is related to his BPD? New parenthood is an enormous adjustment for any couple, and not everything that is frustrating about your partner is a symptom. Go browse the parenting section of MN and you will see that it is not at all uncommon for a new mom to feel she is turning her life upside down to meet baby's needs while her partner expects to continue putting his own needs first. If that's what you're referring to, OP, there is lots of good advice on other threads and I'm sure some others will be along to give you more on here. I don't think your partner's BPD means he is excused from carrying his weight with the baby, emotionally and otherwise, particularly if he is not experiencing a manic or depressive episode. You may need to adjust the balance of duties a bit, for example, you might agree to take all night wakings if lack of sleep is a trigger for your partner to become manic or depressed (it often can be). But in that case your partner should take the baby and/or take over other tasks so that you can rest during the day. Every family has its own balance of roles and responsibilities so it's impossible to say what's fair. But unless there are specific BPD-related reasons why your partner can't or won't do something, I would be very wary of letting him use it as an excuse for generally not being an equal parent. If you do you are going to very quickly get resentful and that can eat away at a marriage. In every relationship communication is key, and even more so if there are mental health issues in the mix.

[Tiredqueen87]

Thank you for replying, I probably didn't explain things very well in my OP.
This was all new to me and I like to think I've coped well so far and even now, I'm understanding of the breathing space he needs and I help as much as I can, he talks to me about how he feels and I'm glad that there is no wall if that makes any sense at all. I have a DD (7) to my ex husband and DP has been a fab step dad, above and beyond, and he's been great with our DD.
But he's become selfish to a certain extent and has said he's feeling quite down at the mo, he works 6 days a week which I appreciate is difficult even without BPD. I tried to talk last night about how I'm feeling and he's so aggressive in his tone I just feel like I shouldn't bother

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi,

I don't have much knowledge of bipolar and don't have kids yet, but I do have a lot of experience of caring for my DH who has MH problems. I know that when he is struggling with his MH he can seem selfish and withdrawn and unable to deal with my problems. When hes struggling to cope with his own mh problems its hard for him to take mine on too.

What other support do you have? I'm very lucky to have been alocated a CPN from DHs team to support me when he can't. Does your DP have support from a CMHT? Do they offer any carer/family support? There may be other carer support on offer too eg carers cafes in your area. You are also entitled to a carers assessment from social services to look at how they can support you and your family.

My CPN has reassured me that when DH and I have kids there will be support available from both his MH team and social services if we need it, for both of us, to enable us to cope as a family with any difficult times.

[Tiredqueen87]

We don't get any help whatsoever, he's on medication and that's it 😔

[AnxiousCarer]

You could call your local social services gateway to care and ask for a carers assessment of your needs. They will look at what support you need to be able to support him. Caring for someone is hard work at times and you need to make time for yourself too. Also wondering if your local sure start can help. My friend is a single Mum with bipolar and got loads of support through them, your health visitor may be able to advise you too, if she aware of your DPs diagnosis and that he is struggling at the moment?

Also if DP is struggling does he need a review from his GP? Or is this part of his normal cycle that he is able to self manage? Is he able to tell you what he needs?