Help!

[lakefaith]

I just need to unload before i just blow up or stop breathing. I am a single mother and have been alone with my child for 9 years. He is so difficult and I'm finding it so hard to cope with him. In one day which is today he managed to throw food at the neighbours windows (twice) he has been throwing sticks at our windows, he has had tantrums all day off and on. I have never not once been out on my own in these 9 years, I spend all my time working and looking after him. He goes to all the clubs like horse riding, tennis and music. I do everything he wants, he gets everything. He speaks to me like shit. I have no life and give him every bit of me but today well recently I feel like I just can't breath around him. I love him with all my heart and soul but I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to pack my things and leave but I wouldn't but I really hate being his mother. I am so lonely and I have nothing more to give. Thank you for letting me rant.

[rumred]

sounds like youre having a hard time with him. who else knows whats happening? who supports and advises you about his behaviour? everyone needs help parenting, its an almighty job. parentlineplus is really helpful- google it- its run for parents by parents and offers phone support amongst other things. i know its easy to say but giving children everything rarely leads to happiness. perhaps you need help with discipline and boundaries?
your gp might be able to help you to cope whilst youre stuck with it all too.
good luck , it will get better...

[dangermouseisace]

It sounds like you're having a hard time. Being a single mum is very difficult, and must be very intense if you have the one child.

Do you ever get to do anything for you?

With regards your son's behaviour though…ve you tried reigning him in by using positive parenting? I did a course a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did, and taught me how to get the kids to behave as I wished (well most of the time) without having to be a horrible disciplinarian. E.g. having time out (to calm down) rather than the naughty step, reward charts for everything etc. I've let it slip due to moving, and it has made my life that much more difficult I'm having to make it a priority to get it all going again. The website for the course I did is here familylinks.org.uk and they have quite a lot of useful info, and the book is kind of my parenting bible.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Does he do chores etc to earn these privileges?

[lakefaith]

No one knows I feel this way, and there really isn't any support. My family do not live near me and couldn't help me anyway and the father found someone else while pregnant put our house up for sale and left with her haven't seen him since and he isn't in his life or mine.
To answer the question, no I haven't been out without him at all unless I'm at work which is like a holiday as I get to have a break from home life. He has ADHD and SAD, he used to see a doctor and therapist but to tell the truth his behaviour is so awful, I can't even pee in peace because he follows me everywhere and waits outside the door. He won't sleep in his room (I put him there every night) but he gets out once I'm asleep and I wake up with him there. He used to be violent but isn't anymore but I know this sound so awful and selfish but I just don't have five minutes to just relax, I wait until his fallen asleep to relax in the bath or just watch a film or something but once he wakes up and I'm not there he goes crazy and I can return him to bed over 50 times in one night. I know I can't cope, I know I don't manage well but I just don't want to go to the doctors and tell them this. I have brought St. John's wart before but meds won't change my life. I'm so unhappy but feel so awful because I'm lucky to have a child and I know this and I'm a mother and I need to get on with things. I just feel like running away and never returning home. (I wouldn't of course)

[lakefaith]

Sorry that was so long. He doesn't do chores but I have started to make him clear his toys away as he never used to do that and would refuse and fight me. He should do chores.

[dangermouseisace]

You have got it full on, haven't you?

Do you have any scope for doing anything for you at all? E.g. is there any time when DS is at school and you are not at work, or do you work 5 days a week?

I get the peeing thing. I never get to do this in peace either! At least 1 child…often 2…I'm like, really?! In the last house we lived in it had a lock on the bathroom I thought 'hooray!' but the little so and so's managed to work out how to unlock it!

The sleep thing though- that sounds like a complete nightmare, and will have an effect on your mood. It's worth going to the doctors to see if they can offer some sort of help working that situation out, as if your child has issues themselves there may be someone who can support you.

[lakefaith]

Thank you so much for your advice and just reading my moans.
I feel so much better from yesterday. No I work full time I am a teacher so I'm lucky at the moment I get the holidays off with my son. No I don't go out or do anything without him, which isn't healthy. When he does horse riding I get the hour to be on my own but because of SAD I need to wait outside the centre or on the benches in the stables and he checks so I can't move and if I need to pee or move at all and he finds out he gets so upset it makes me look like the worse mother. He follows me everywhere and I know I'm lucky to have him I know this and I wouldn't change having him alone but sometimes it's so hard to see the wood through the trees. Thank you all again for listening to my moaning.

[dangermouseisace]

ah I thought SAD was seasonal affective disorder- it's separation anxiety isn't it? Gosh, getting a babysitter etc in those circumstances would be difficult.

You are putting your son's needs before your own at all times lakefaith. It must be incredibly hard. On the SEN board they might have more of a clue about these things but it sounds like your son is extremely well looked after, and you need someone to look after you too- even if that is yourself.

[lakefaith]

Thank you dangermouse, yes its separation anxiety disorder. No I can't put him in childcare or after school clubs because he doesn't want to be left and he excaped a few times and they had to stop him from leaving the school grounds.
I think I prople might judge me more then two parent family so I try to put him first and do everything I can so he grows up not missing out on anything and grows up to have a life I didn't. Yes SEN board might be good for information thank you.
Thank you again for your kind words, it has made a huge difference. X

[Notyetforty]

It sounds as though you both need more help. Can you get him into therapy again? Was the last one useful? It can take a few go's to get the right fit. It sounds as though you could do with someone to talk to as well.

[lakefaith]

He could do with therapy yes, it couldn't harm, and I do think it would help him. i went to see someone on managing ADHD and I think done a world of good it's just so hard to maintain calm when he can't be trusted on his own, I blink and his throwing dried pasta at the house next door, or throwing pasta sauce at her window, it make me look like a awful mother and we are some sort of problem family, I'm ashamed I can't cope with him, I should be able to.
things have to change that's so clear. I'm not coping and I need to because I have to I'm his mother. I will seek therapy for the both of us and maybe try to learn how to manage him better. I bring him up to be polite and well mannered but that is not how his behaving and that can't go on.
When I posted on here I was in suck a state, I felt like running away and never coming back, just for a moment I wished I didn't wake up and maybe I could just end things, that has never crossed my mind before. I realised that if I did that he would find me and I would destroy his life by bring so selfish. I would never leave him, and I'm so grateful to have him I just need to learn how to manage him better. It's not his fault I can't cope. I will seek counselling, and the advice everyone has given me really helped so much.
Thank you.