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Just need to get this down.(4 Posts)
I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I just feel like I need to get it out. Maybe if I have it in writing I'll be able to show somebody. I don't know. I don't mind if I get no replies.
I just feel like my entire life is falling apart and I'm mentally and physically unable to fix it. I'm broke, financially, mentally and physically. I get my tax credits today, I need to use them to get the kids school shoes and pe kits, and some food because there's none in the house. I just checked my bank account and it's all gone, on car insurance and a credit card bill. I'm such an idiot. I should have known the insurance was due out but I didn't because I'm fucking useless. And the credit card, I took it out when I was a student and could afford the repayments, but I left Uni because I couldn't handle it and now I can't afford the repayments anymore. Every day my phone rings constantly, companies I owe money to. I ignore my phone all the time now. Even the kids know not to answer my mobile or house phone.
I work part time in a job that I hate, I'll get paid for that on Friday but I only worked around 10 hours last week so that's not going to be enough to get anything. The kids dad is useless, we've not heard from him in 2 months and I've not had any money from him for longer than that.
I'm supposed to be doing an access course online so that I can go back to uni to study what I always wanted to, but I've not been doing it, I can't motivate myself to do it even though I want it so bad. What's wrong with me?
We've been house sitting for a friends family, and while we've been here the electric at my house has gone, I've had no money to put any more on so now all of the food in the fridge and freezer will have to be thrown out. We have to go back there tomorrow and I'm dreading it. It's disgusting in there. Messy, falling apart and dirty. I'm ashamed that I live there but still do nothing about it. My housing benefit has all got fucked up because my hours at work kept changing so that hasn't been paid for months. I've been to try and sort it out so many times but I'm getting nowhere so now I owe around 2000 rent. With no idea how to pay it back. I don't know what to do. I think every day about killing myself. I never would, I couldn't do it to my children, I couldn't leave them with their useless father wondering why I left them. But I think about how it would make everything go away. I think about just packing some things and running away with them but I can't even afford to put enough fucking petrol in my car to get anywhere.
Nobody knows I feel like this. I have friends but they have their own issues and I don't want to put my problems on them. My mom and dad have bailed me out and stood by me time and time again and I don't know how I could even get the words out to tell them how I feel again. Everyone thinks I'm ok and I'm coping and it couldn't be further from the truth.
I'm overweight and unattractive. I've been single for 2 years, and have steadily put on weight since then. I look disgusting. Im single because honestly, what man would want me? I want to lose weight but I can't bring myself to exercise and I eat shit constantly. I don't even know why. I'm such a fucking mess.
I'm sitting here now in this lovely house, the type of house I'll never ever be able to live in, in the dark on my own, crying, I don't want to sleep because then tomorrow will come quicker and I don't know how I'm going to cope with tomorrow. I don't know where to go, we can't go home because there's no electric, my mom will be at work, so will my dad. I've got breakfast for the kids but that's it. I'm such a fuck up. My kids deserve so much better than me, I'm doing a shit job raising them. I feel so sorry for them. I love them so much it hurts and I want so much better for them, but I can't do it. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't know if I'm going to post it yet. I write things down on paper all the time but maybe it will help me if I know someone is listening. I don't know. What a mess.
OP I feel for you. I get like this at times. Try speaking to one of your friends. You might want make an appointment to see your GP and talk it through. Look up about Debt management and see if you can go into one to pay off credit card debt to ease your outgoings. I hate asking my mum too but when you need it you have to swallow your pride and ask . So many times I have had to ask her to put electric on for me or borrow some food, toilet roll etc.
I would start by speaking to your GP, they may be able to help with things such as antidepressants as you are feeling so low. They may also be able to give practical help such as a referal to your local food bank. Explain your situation to the school and see if there is any help available with PE kit and shoes or even just if they will excuse shoes being non uniform for a few weeks. Look into debt management advice eg the money advice service. Things sound really tough at the moment, just keep remembering your kids are lucky because they have a Mum who loves them.
so sorry you are in this situation, I cant offer any words that would help except to be an ear (or eyes really)
i truly hope you get a break and life turns round, im not that good myself but im reading up on being positive and trying affirmations daily. its really hard i tell you! as i feel worthless and trying to tell yourself your doing well is a kick in the gut.
i pray your life looks up soon
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