Utterly hopeless

[user1472478561]

On holiday, in Croatia. Hot, hotel ok not really what I was expecting, but you don't always get it right. Not a very pretty part of the country - must be missing something as everyone has raved about Croatia this year.

Tried to change username, it won't accept the password. Sorry, these user type user names are really annoying.

Had PND, boys now 9, many years depression free since then, although always challenging PMT. Until I took up running, that sorted it. Marvellous, very evangelical about it (hollow laugh). Got injured, despite daily Pilates to hold me together (am hypermobile). Physio not much good, told me to do all the things I am already doing, £200. No problem, will take the summer off running and start open water swimming - always wanted to do it and loved it. Cold water plus outside equals plenty of depression busting endorphins - better than running almost. Also got a bonus at work and bought a bike - really ebjoyed it. Thought about doing a trathalon next year if I could get over the running injury.

Disaster - bulging disc in my neck - caused by 3 weeks working on a laptop and exacerbated by swimmimg. Back to Physio - no swimming, no cycling (because of 'chin forward' position). 2-3 weeks she said it would take to get better. 6 weeks later - pain is less but still numb in hand and my right arm feels weak.

Utter crash in my mental health. Feel like I will never do exercise that works again. Two people last week told me they had the same problem with their necks and just have to live with it. This feels pathetic but someone has removed my medication. Had PMT last week, awful. But worse, it's stayed. This is how I felt with PND. Utterly hopeless. In hotel room, crying. DH and boys swimmimg. I can't swim - well, of course I could wallow about. But I'm so pathetic I can't do it. I can't be happy. What a waste of space. It's a holiday, I'm spoiling I it for everyone by being pathetic. DH not sympathetic, and I can't talk to him, he doesn't do emotions. Can't talk to anyone in RL. My friends have real problems, not pathetic ones like this. They'd rightly think I was ridiculous. And I'm in Croatia. I want to be at home. I want to be able to look after my mental health using what works. But I can't. And it isn't getting better. Back to work next week, which makes my neck worse even though have ditched the laptop and set desk up perfectly. Christ this is pathetic. Always told I was a drama queen growing up and I am. How can I teach my children to be resilient if this is the example I set? Just want to write it down. DH asks what's wrong. I say nothing's wrong. Because nothing is, really. Just lack of perspective and I'm fucking useless.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

No you're not useless. I get glum when I can't run, not depressed, I can only imagine it's much worse.

As a short term fix, since the lads are happy swimming, could you splash some cold water on your face and go for a brisk walk? A few endorphins plus stuff to look at might help a little?

Are ADs an option, while you don't have exercise?

Don't feel bad about it. mH issues are just as real as a broken leg or flu, don't discount them as something you would snap out of. No one snaps out of flu. Look after yourself - tbh the more you do that, the better it is for everyone. Hugs xx

[user1472478561]

Thanks Grumpy, it's nice to know there's someone out there. Yes, I do need to get up, count my blessings and get on with it. I actually feel like cutting myself. Nearly did it the other day, but couldn't as couldn't let my boys see it. Scratched myself instead, just to see what it felt like. I can see why people do it, I think it's a kind of escape, like a really hard run.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

How are you doing?x