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Self harm addiction

(2 Posts)
NoFix Sun 28-Aug-16 00:24:30

I've name changed. I am a coward. I hope you'll understand I am genuine.
I have self harmed for years, on and off. Started as a young teen, angry with the world and cutting felt right.
It carried on, to late teens and early twenties. Not just cutting, I'd hit myself with objects to create bruises.
It's rare now, but still in my head. If I break a glass by accident, my very first thought is to stash one of the shards, for cutting. I don't. I throw the glass away. But the thought is there.
If I burn myself, by accident when cooking, I won't run it under cold water, I want it to hurt and blister.
I still think about cutting. I don't know why - I don't feel like it is always a reaction to feeling sad or angry, I don't feel that it is necessarily a response to feelings at all, it's just... There is a feeling I get from hurting myself that I cannot explain.
Right now I've had a drink and I am struggling not to think about hurting myself. I've picked at my scabs to see fresh blood.
I won't, I don't need to. But the thought it always there, like an addiction. Maybe it is an actual Addiction.
I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I've read about the psychology of self harm, the "making psychological pain into physical pain" - I don't feel that's what I am doing. Just sometimes... I want to hurt myself. What the fuck.
I'm fine, I'm safe, I've never hurt myself to any serious extent, I never would. I guess I just yearn to understand why i do it at all and what the draw is to hurting myself. It all just seems proper fucked up.
And there is not one person in my life who knows I go through this, and not one person I could tell....

booellesmum Sun 28-Aug-16 09:13:28

It sounds like you are managing it quite well. You know what you want to do and can stop yourself. I'm guessing you know about alternatives when you really need to do something - like using an ice cube on your skin instead?
I used to self harm but for me it was about changing the mental pain to physical.
I think a lot of people have these thoughts, just like most people have thought about suicide but wouldn't actually do it.
If you are not sure why you do it then maybe talking it through with a counsellor would help?

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