Is anyone up? Feel so down

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Just that really .. I've been struggling with depression for ages. Tonight it's bad .. After a few ok days, it just hit me tonight for no real reason. I'm sat on the sofa crying. My boyfriend went home two hours ago and has gone to bed, I've no one to talk to.

[Somerville]

I'm up.

Bloody insomnia, and a few hard days of my own.

Sorry, I don't know much about mental health issues.

Is there anything there you find comforting? I like rereading an old favourite novel when I'm feeling low. (But I know feeling low isn't the same thing as depression.)

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Hi, sorry you can't sleep. Hope things improve soon for you.

I don't think I can concentrate to read. I just feel alone, like no one understand. Hell, I don't understand either. Everything was fine, then suddenly I feel like shit. Nothing to look forward to, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Nothing seems worth doing.

[Somerville]

That sounds like a horrible way to feel.

Are you on medication or in touch with medical professionals?

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Yes I'm taking anti depressants and have been assessed by the primary care mental health team. I'm waiting for counselling too.

I've no friends nearby, just my boyfriend. I feel so lonely all the time unless I'm with him. I have nothing to do. I can't concentrate on reading or a film. In the daytime I often go to the shops just for something to do, but I don't have much money.

[Somerville]

It's really good that you are in touch with all the experts and are getting treatment.

Loneliness is awful. Is your boyfriend supportive?

[Thecatgotmytongue]

But nothing they do helps. They're not here when I need someone.

Yes he's supportive, but doesn't know what to do. We messaged for a bit earlier, but he was very tired and had to sleep. I'm feeling resentful and know that's unreasonable of me.

[Somerville]

Yes, my boyfriend sleeps too, and if I'm upset I sometimes feel annoyed by it.

How recently did you start the meds? I assume they may need some time to work, or maybe even different dosage?

And do you know how long the wait for counselling is?

I've been having counselling for nearly two years. Not for depression, for other stuff. But it has been beyond helpful for me. I stopped seeing the counsellor a few times, including this summer because childcare was awkward, and I always end up in a bit of a mess. I just need that safe space to process my feelings and talk about everything on my mind, and when I don't have it, those emotions come out at inopportune times.

[Thecatgotmytongue]

I've been taking meds on and off for years and years. This stretch about four months I think. The person I saw last requested that my gp increase the dose, I'm on the lowest dose. I've put off increasing it till now, because it affects my libido and ability to orgasm, which is frustrating. However, I now know I need to increase it. I've waited over a week for the gp to call me about this, but nothing. I'll call the surgery tomorrow about it. But tbh I don't think the meds help at all.

The waiting list for counselling isn't too long .. I've waited ages for nhs counselling, but now I've contacted a private company that are heavily subsidised and they said it should only be a few weeks. I don't know if it'll help, in the past it did help a bit, but everything just seems pointless and hopeless at the moment.

[Somerville]

Fuck - I wouldn't want meds with those side effects either.

But I guess feeling as hopeless as you do now is also not good for one's libido. That's certainly my experience, anyway.

What did you do today?

[Thecatgotmytongue]

No it's not great for the libido, but sometimes having sex helps, and then if I can't climax it's very very depressing too.

I haven't done anything much today, went to the charity shop and found a CD there, watched a film with my boyfriend tonight, but it wasn't great. It was too hot and I felt breathless and exhausted.

What did you do today?

[Somerville]

I was visiting someone I love. In a cemetery. It was sad. BUT I also got brought tea in bed, and played some board games and read a few chapters of a good book and had a bath. I'm trying to think about all those little, nice things.

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Yes, that's the right way to think. I'm sorry someone you love has died. My dad died last year and I miss him every day.

I'm cleaning the kitchen .. Feel a bit better for doing something.

[Somerville]

Well done you

I cannot imagine cleaning ever making me feel better about anything.

I've done a little sleep trick and told myself I'm not allowed to sleep, turned the light on and am watching some feel-good american TV. That often does the trick.

[Thecatgotmytongue]

No normally I hate cleaning, but when it's done it makes me happy. The hob was greasy, so I'm glad I got it done. Rearranging kitchen cupboard now.

[Somerville]

I get great satisfaction from having a spotless house. Unfortunately it only happens once a week, when my cleaner has been! And lasts for less than an hour... (I have untidy children and a bouncy dog.)

[Somerville]

I do like reorganising cupboards, though.

[OhThatThingAgain]

I'm here. Nothing to offer but another person who just can't sleep. Want to chat?

I've just ate a sandwich (wiped the kitchen down) and put the dishwasher on. As you do at 4am

A friend of mine died last week and my neighbours and verbally/physically threatening me.

All makes for a grand night sleep eh? I've always been an insomniac anyway, but it's getting worse. I'd like some company

[OhThatThingAgain]

Is kitchen cleaning at 4am a thing then? We should set up a group?

[Somerville]

Leave me out of it! I am so not cleaning at 4am!

[Somerville]

Sorry about your friend, OhThat.

And I hope something can be done about your neighbours.

[OhThatThingAgain]

Go on, bleach a toilet at least! Slacker

[Somerville]

[OhThatThingAgain]

I'll just have to deal, DH is home tomorrow so I'm going to knock myself out with night nurse. Hard core drug taker. Need to be alert for nursery run at 7:30 but not working tomorrow.

I'd like to get some bloody sleep and not eat cheesecake at 4am

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Hi ohthat, sorry you can't sleep either, and sorry about your friend. It's so sad losing someone dear.

I too have an untidy daughter .. The dog's not so bouncy though. But it's my fault it's filthy at the moment .. Just been slacking really.

No more food for me .. I've been comfort eating like mad today, cake and crisps etc.

I've hung the washing out I did earlier, because it's going to be hot again tomorrow. The cooker is clean, the cupboards I wanted to rearrange are tidy, I've poured a glass of wine. Wish I could Hoover, but dd might object!

[OhThatThingAgain]

Cat how's it going? Hopefully you're asleep?