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Please help me....

(10 Posts)
AnxietyCentral Sat 20-Aug-16 19:00:08

I have NC for this as I really don't want it attached to my other posts.

I suffer from anxiety and always have done I think, I've always been a worrier even as a child. I used to have OCD rituals or else I thought my family or I would die. I've been to therapy a few times as a child but I don't think it really helped so haven't really explored it as an adult, plus I can't afford private therapy.

I've had a few traumatic things happen to me since childhood and I've always been of the mindset that you just carry on, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, there are people suffering a lot worse than me etc. But for the last few years my anxiety has been very bad and since the birth of my DD I would say crippling. I have had diazepam before when I was passing out due to panic attacks a few years ago but didn't want to take medication on an ongoing basis. I think I've really minimised my anxiety to a lot of people over the years that I've convinced myself that I'm not actually ill and just being a drama queen?

My brain is constantly on the go, I don't think I've ever truly relaxed, I feel my mood is heightened all the time. Even when I'm pretty happy if say I'm more manic than happy? I suffer with mini panics at least 25+ times a day (around 10-15 on a really good day)- I can only describe these as being hit by a ton of bricks as I'm winded and can't breathe but they are only for a few seconds or a minute at the most. It's like having a constant hangover, you know when you feel panic, guilt and shame the day after a heavy drinking session...

They have got so bad that a few weeks ago I felt suicidal, I didn't want my DD to see me like this or grow up resenting the fact that I'm totally mental. I don't think that I would ever do this but I feel that I can't carry on like this, but I don't know if I'm being dramatic?

The thing is I have a great life my DP is lovely and supportive, I have a healthy DD, lovely home but I feel that if anyone knew how I thought they'd take my child off me and lock me up. I think that some people in my life would relish the fact that I'm struggling and to take my baby off me or at least say 'I knew you couldn't do it, let me do it properly'

I'm sleep deprived which I don't think helps, but I'm still BF and really want to try for another baby soon so don't want to be medicated...I don't know what to do anymore, I'm not even sure there is anything that can be done- maybe this is as good as it gets?

Sorry for the essay- I'm not even sure what I want to be honest.

PinkPearls20 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:06:13

Your not alone OP... I can't sit still either. I totally get the 'manic happy'...I get that ALOT ... People will be along to advise you.

Anxiety is awful. I can only think of one more emotion to live with that could be worse and that's 'jelously'

PinkPearls20 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:07:26

It's probably not as good as it gets. It probably can be helped. I look at people... like DH now and think 'you lucky contented bastad'

AnxietyCentral Sat 20-Aug-16 19:13:53

Pink it's horrible isn't it.

I think I've got to the point where I sometimes think it's normal now and this is how life is but then if it is, bloody hell sad...

PinkPearls20 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:23:05

It wont be it. There will be people out there more anxious then you and to them you will have it easy I guess.

When I'm feeling VERY anxious I try to think of things that comfort me.... a warm cup of tea... being in my nice comfortable safe cosy house... things that I have in the past found generally halarious. Sometimes it brings me down a notch, other times I'm too anxious becasuse i think I'm going to die.

Diverting attention can help, sometimes. However its hard when your that anxious to gather thoughts and focus.

I don't mind having tendencies relating to OCD... I guess it makes me 'me'...

AnxietyCentral Sat 20-Aug-16 19:28:00

Yeah, I do really try the distracting method and have tried the elastic band, which is supposed to snap you out of the anxious thought so you can focus. It does work for some of my panics but not all and hasn't stopped the intensity and quantity of them.

Have you been to see your GP Pink? I'm wondering whether to just bite the bullet and go at bough I'm not quite sure how they will help me if I'm honest.

PinkPearls20 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:30:43

I went to see my GP over irregular bleeding which I was STRESSED about. She then refered me for you coming and I am waiting for it. Maybe you should go to your GP. Actually you should. X

PinkPearls20 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:35:41

When I went to see GP about the bleeding I as literally looking back, jumping and jerking in my chair. I was talking fast and being manic. As I left the room, she shouted me back in and said 'PinkPearls, promise me, PROMISE me, you will phone the counciling referral service's. I was like...yh...bloodyhell I'm not that bad surely...

AnxietyCentral Sat 20-Aug-16 19:39:28

Oh bless you, is it a self referral one? Have you called them? Have they been of any use?

PinkPearls20 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:42:08

It is a self referral one. I need to phone they can then phone me back confused... maybe if you go to GP you will be advised of the same process

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