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attachment issues as an adult(3 Posts)
this is a long story. i apologise in advance for the length of this post.
i have realised that i am very damaged.
as a child my mother rejected me and i was initially raised by grandparents until my mother met a very abusive man when i was 6 and took me to live with them. she cut all contact with my grandparents at that time and i was unable to see them despite them raising me.
i suffered a great deal of abuse from her new husband, physical abuse,( beaten daily) emotional abuse, (daily) neglect (daily- i had no underwear at one point and raided charity bags on doorsteps as a teenager))and at times sexual abuse. (expected to wash a grown man in the bath like a servant)
at 16 i left home and left my education, i was lucky enough to have met a very stable influence, a lovely man who was my best friend, whom i married and had two wonderful children with. but i was never attracted to my husband despite the fact he was a wonderful, kind man. we had issues from the off sexually and had to have sex therapy as neither of us seemed comfortable sexually. initially he was impotent) i raised my children without any issues what so ever. they are now grown adults and incredibly successful in all aspects of their life and im so proud of them. i broke any cycle of abuse and they are happy, healthy adults with successful relationships of their own. i became a normal, successful person.
my husband encouraged me to embark on a totally new career path when i was in my late 30s and gave me the confidence to do it. i didnt have a career prior to this as id devoted my life to raising the children.
my life took a very unexpected turn when i met a man i was instantly attracted to. this had never happened to me before. i realise now he was very bad for me in that he also had attachment issues. ive come to realise that it was a co dependent relationship.
the really sad thing is that this man made me regress to childhood, and he emoted the same feelings i had as a child. i became the 'anxious pursuer '
i left my life,husband, and adult children. i walked out. i was totally numbed to the pain i left behind. i justified this by saying i could not have an affair.
only now, some 2 years later am i realising how damaged i am. ive researched an awful lot in this time and realise my attachment issue makes me an 'anxious pursuer' who was attracted to an' avoidant dismissive'. A totally co dependent relationship based on very damaged backgrounds.
we have both (new man and i) nuked our very normal lives for something that clearly cannot work. we dont make each other better people. he sees me as needy (i wasnt until i met him - he gives very little) but that makes him feel strong and self sufficient. the more i ask of him the less he gives.
i recently lost a baby at 14 weeks gestation.he did not have children. he wanted them. it was a termination for medical reasons so added to the grief of losing her was that it was a decision to end her life because we discovered she had a chromosomal disorder. i had to give birth to her. he has been no support at all and i have dealt with this alone. we do not live together. we planned to on discovering i was pregnant. it wont happen now.
i have done a great deal of soul searching. ive had 2 months off work. i really thought i had dealt with my issues. i had counselling years ago and a particular therapy for ptsd around the childhood abuse.
i realised recently that i have attachment issues and that the reason i only feel attracted to a man so bad for me is that i have an issue.
i need to address it.
but how? do i need counselling? if so what? i know i have an attachment disorder due to my early years. i know what category i am. i just dont know how to fix myself.
i am lucky that i still have a good relationship with my children despite what i did.
im even luckier that i still have a good relationship with my ex husband.
in truth - if i could press the rewind button on my life i would. but i cant. i now have to find a way to move forward and work out why i did what i did and why the only man ive ever ever felt attraction to was so bad for me. at the time friends and family thought id had some sort of breakdown, and maybe i had. i totally detached. now the fog is clearing the pain of what ive done is acute. there is no going back so ive got to go forward and i really think i need to examine my issues which clearly remain despite therapy.
my new partner and i are having a break. its all been too much and we dont get on anyway. we could not be a worse match for each other. we bring out the worst in each other and his detachment borders on narcissistic. he only wins when i lose. and ive lost. ive lost myself. ive lost my confidence. my spark. my common sense. ive lost myself.
where do i go for help with this? i realise i need to address this before i do more damage to anyone else.
Hi aprilskies just read your post and it is true that in life all you can do is move forward it's a shame it didn't work out with your husband but you can't help how you feel and that's only natural. If your not physically attracted to him you can't help that just the same as you can't help how you feel if your not attracted to your new partners personality. However the difference is your husband is a good person someone that seems to generally care about you from what you have mentioned of him but your new partner sounds like a headache and he's just pulling you backwards, you need to put yourself first and ditch the new partner as I'm sure you could do so much better and you deserve it too. And as for how you feel mentally regarding the attachment issues perhaps see either a counsellor again or a psychiatrist and express to them how you feel, they likely to be more helpful than you think and they'll be able to direct you to the next step in getting back on your feet at this time in your life, hope this helps
i actually plucked up the courage to see my doctor on thursday. my friend came with me and told the doctor everything because as soon as i tried to i burst into tears.
she referred me for counselling and wrote me off work im waiting for the appointment which should be in the next couple of weeks.
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