depressed, not coping, no idea where to turn

[jayho]

Can wiser people please help with practical advice.

I had a lightbulb moment today when I realised that my behaviour is because I'm depressed.

I have two DS aged 11 and 7. Contact has broken down with father. Courts and SS involved. He has taken court action against me. I do not believe the children are safe in the care of him and his partner.

I work full time, the holidays are a nightmare and I've had to spend almost £1k in childcare to enable me to keep my job.

I have complete decision paralysis this ranges from arranging essential childcare to paying essential bills to work related stuff. I'm not performing and terrified I will lose my job. My ex does not work or pay child support, I am the sole source of financial support. Simple decisions feel impossible. The boys are running rings around me.

Everything frightens me. I'm on venlafaxine, well tolerated at 37.5 per day but cannot handle moving up to 75 per day, makes me too numb, can't work. my anxiety is through the roof, been coping with propranolol as needed.

I know I need to take it one step at a time but I can't find the first step. I'll gext exH's statement on Thursday and then have two weeks to respond. I'm in a constant flat spin. I have to work full time next week, the children have gone bonkers about going to day care.

I feel like there are too many issues for me to cope with and pick apart. Everytime I think I'll deal with something, something related comes in to my mind and suffocates my action.

I'm usually a pragmatic and organised person but feel overwhelmed. Most importantly, I'm not dealing with my children's behaviour which clearly stems from insecurity aqt the moment it's making me feel inadequate and dreadful. I don't fee like I can reassure.

Help please.

[rumred]

Hiya sounds like a horrible situation you're in. Do your friends and family know how bad things are? Please talk to your Gp again and be honest about how you feel. They will sign you off sick which could give you head space to start sorting stuff out.
I've found some online self help books a godsend recently in terms of grounding and feeling there's hope. All free, on Kindle on my phone. May or may not help you too.
Keep posting and good luck. Btw there's more traffic on relationships board.

[jayho]

Thank you, feel unworthy of relationships and a bit vulnerable to the 'pull yourself together' brigade

[rumred]

I can understand that but ypu are so not unworthy, we all need support, and unless you're posting about adultery you are highly likely to get good support. I'll be happy to keep an eye on your posts and sort out any idiots, but like I said, it's unlikely.
Please consider it

[jayho]

ok, will take plunge tomorrow, thanks