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Self destructive and harming my relationship

(12 Posts)
Whydoikeepdoingthis Sat 13-Aug-16 21:43:56

My first post on this, please be gentle.

I have a lovely husband and 2 lovely children. The youngest is only 7 weeks old

I had a difficult childhood - an alcoholic father who drank himself to death, an unloving mother who can't express emotion, and a competitive mean sister who always bullied me

This made me feel I was unworthy of love and I've always been very self destructive - in relationships and in the past with drink and drugs

My husband managed to persuade me I was worthy of love and married me and I have 2 beautiful kids

But something about having given birth to my daughter after a number of miscarriages and lack of sleep has made me self destructive again

Tonight my in laws were coming round to babysit for date night. I criticised my husband all day, then shouted at him to help me tidy up, getting angry when he wouldn't drop everything to do it. I wouldn't apologise even though I was in the wrong and played the victim and went to my room with the baby. When my in laws arrived he had to tell them to go as we were arguing. So I could have been in the pub having wine and a lovely time with my in laws looking after baby but instead I'm on my own drinking wine in the dark feeling sorry for myself. My husband tried to get me to say sorry so we could go out but I refused

I seem to cause an argument every time we have date night or a night with friends. I seem to feel lack of self esteem and confidence then. I then wallow in self pity and sadness.

My children are privy to our arguments and my self pity and tears and drama. I seem to want the drama. I'm the most self destructive person that's what every partner has said

Why am I trying to throw away everything? Why can't I allow myself to be happy? Why do I want to be miserable?

Whydoikeepdoingthis Sat 13-Aug-16 21:46:45

All my in laws wanted to do was soend the evening with my baby and let us have a nice time. They came all the way here then had to leave. I'm absolutely mortified

Darthvadersmuuuum Sat 13-Aug-16 21:48:30

You're having a bad day whydoi. We all have them. That's not to minimise the awful childhood you suffered or its lasting effects on your self esteem flowers

You've recently had a baby; you're likely feeling hormonal (and vulnerable?), which isn't a comfortable place to be given your history. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. You are good enough and you deserve the happiness and love you have in your life.

Darthvadersmuuuum Sat 13-Aug-16 21:49:24

Even if you feel you don't x

Whydoikeepdoingthis Sat 13-Aug-16 21:57:08

Thank you darth. It just feels so fucking pointless. Had been looking forward to a date all week as had husband, in laws wanted to get to know the baby and see my son, I would have a night off the baby who is attached to me all day, she was asleep in grandpas arms but all is ruined as I argue and criticise my husband, then won't say sorry, then feel self pitying and play victim, then emotionally manipulate by saying I won't go unless he's nice to me, then upset my son, then leave husband to storm off to pub alone, then upset in laws who say they've come all this way why can't we make up but then leave after 15 minutes as the atmosphere is so toxic

And all for what? Because the house was a mess and my husband wouldn't help me tidy up when I asked him (which we've talked about before in therapy my need to control and have things done ASAP when I want as my mother did to me)

We could all have had a lovely night. Instead we're all fucking miserable because of me and becuaZe of nothing, because I just want misery and struggle to enjoy happiness

Darthvadersmuuuum Sat 13-Aug-16 22:05:52

Giving yourself a hard time isn't helping is it? I'm not pandering here, I genuinely feel you need some self compassion.

Do you ever apologise to DH in the past? What happens? Why is it so difficult for you?

Whydoikeepdoingthis Sat 13-Aug-16 22:10:20

Yes I do apologise but it takes me a while to process and often I apologise way too late - the next day or hours later. If I could just say sorry after I've done something small it would be fine but my refusal to say sorry means he gets angry so we have a huge argument. I drop a hand grenafe then retreat

I don't know why it's so difficult. I can't bear being told off or criticism. I have an armour around me and hate losing face and admitting I'm vulnerable. I have a lot of pride. When I'm upset and vulnerable being a bitch is a good armour. I find it hard to admit I feel shit about myself

When I apologise he's fine. I just do it so late I ruin things like tonight. I can't stop thinking about my in laws who came here so happy to see the grandkids and had to leave.

It's affecting my children - because we argue so long and I go quiet and victim like to my room, they get the toxic atmosphere. My son is very protective towards me and wants to be with me and doesn't like daddy. He's acting up because he's overheating all our arguments

Darthvadersmuuuum Sat 13-Aug-16 22:17:22

Sounds like you have very good insight into why you can't apologise when the heat is on. This is just one night and it's not 'fucking pointless'. I too had a shitty upbringing and found it difficult to accept my partner's love, or accept responsibility for my sometimes ludicrous actions. With my DH's patience and a truck load of therapy and mindfulness practice I have learned to respond rather than react.

You're doing all the right things (e.g therapy and self reflection). Would DH be amenable to a lovely breakfast, heartfelt apology and a day with his family tomorrow?

Whydoikeepdoingthis Sat 13-Aug-16 22:34:18

Oh you are lovely. Thanks dor the breakfast idea. That would be the grown up thing to do. Good idea.

Sadly started the blame game - today he took son out for the morning and bought a lovely lunch but I just texted to say I had wanted do leave the house and a break from baby - basically blaming him for why I got cross. He was just trying to do a nice things for me, I just want to control everything and like to plan and be consulted on everything. So I sent a stupid text.

Nice breakfast and apology and nice day out sounds good. In laws are on holiday for a while so totally tucked up there. I see them a lot on my own just not with my husband.

Can I borrow tou as my better judgement?!

Darthvadersmuuuum Sat 13-Aug-16 22:43:04

You're gonna be just fine. Finish your glass and get some sleep.

Broken1Girl Sun 14-Aug-16 00:12:50

Hang on. I don't think your DH is blameless here. It always takes two to argue.
He should have helped tidy up tbh. Wanting to be consulted is not wrong either. And actually refusing to go out for your date until you apologise and telling his parents to leave and storming off is pathetic.
Your behaviour may not have been great either but you don't need to be so hard on yourself.
Does H ever admit it if he's in the wrong?
You sound almost grateful he's deigned to marry you tbh.
I recognise a lot of your issues. I had a similar upbringing. I sort of flip between thinking I'm bad and the other person is an angel, and I'm innocent and they're bad, too - am much better than I was though.
Enjoy that wine, distract (DVD/ TV?) as overthinking it won't help. Talk to him tomorrow when you've both calmed down. Definitely do something nice tomorrow flowers

allthefuckingnicknamesaretaken Wed 24-Aug-16 06:05:03

Not jumping on your thread exactly but you sound like me. The bit about controlling and being consulted as well as criticisingiving dh and bring difficult particularly if we have people coming. I didn't have a difficult childhood though except for struggling with my parents divorce and I have had drink and drugs issues too.

I've never seen it as self destructive though but reading this I'm wondering and feeling massively guilty.

Exh, despite his faults, u understood thatI did this. When people were coming over or we were going out to something significant I'd stress out massively, be unreasonable and generally a pain. We'd sometimes argue mostly hushed words and nothing more. When the visitors arrived or we got out our game faces would go on and no one ever knew. I guess he let me get away with it so I never really questioned it.

Current dh doesnt get it at all. I've tried to explain it's how I am. That I don't cope well with preparation for entertaining but I love it when it happens. That it's never actually him it's directed at its directed at myself but I take it out on him (and the kids) . I always apologise afterwards buto it leads to horrific rows now. Really horrific. He takes it so personally, like him not washing up quickly enough is an actual reflection on our relationship. I've always thought he is over reacting. But now I'm wondering if it's me that has the bigger problem? I know it's not ideal. But are we really that damaged that this behaviour is totally unreasonable and so hard to understand?

Your post doesn't sound totally unreasonable or that you have huge issues. But maybe that's me in denial?

I'm interested in what future posters say (and the ones who have posted already)

My only advice fwiw is to ask if you've explained this all to him?

Sorry for the hijack but you're most definitely not alone.

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