Have name changed for this.
I have no idea what to do.
My MIL (who I have no problem with and like) has booked a big family holiday in France for lots of members of her side of the family, our family are included, we weren't invited as such just told we were going about 18 months ago.
It takes place next week, I am ill, I have OCD, GAD, HA, clinical depression and an eating disorder, been ill for 30ish years, comes and goes in varying degrees. I am terrified of travel (both travelling and being away from home) however usually, or at least so far in the past when we have planned and taken trips I have been in a place where I have been able to go, this time I feel I am not. I am already struggling massively, I had a fairly severe episode two weeks ago, I have suicidal thoughts and am battling the urge to self harm. I think going might break me.
These are the scenerios that worry me the most:
Not being able to get in the car to leave
Not being able to get on the Ferry
Insisting on turning around and returning home at some point before arrival
Not being able to leave my bedroom and or speak or interact with anyone whilst there
Not being able to eat the entire time (likely)
Having a total screaming mess breakdown while there in front of other people
Having to cut the holiday short to return home
Not being able to come back (car/ferry etc)
All of the above mainly don't want to go through in front of young-ish dc's who know I have MH issues, but I obviously shelter from the fallout as much as is humanly possible.
Told the dc's this morning that we may not be able to go, one is meh, the other is heartbroken, dp is sad but supportive, but his parents are elderly and he would very much like to go, they very very much want us there.
Also if I have a huge breakdown on return (or there) there is a possibility of me not being able to look after the dc's, therefore dp not being able to work (SE) and us all being totally shafted as we will have no money. I haven't had that kind of breakdown in over 15 years and not since having children but have had several in the past.
At the moment (as I have many times in the past) wishing I had stayed single and never had children and not inflicted myself on them in this way, I am a horrible, useless person and they deserve so so much better as they are all lovely, I can't bear to hurt and let them down like this, but I am teetering on a knife edge.
Sorry it's so long and utterly mundane. In my position WWYD?
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A MH WWYD all (gentle) thoughts welcome
29 replies
ThatsNumberWang · 09/08/2016 10:45
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