How do I stop being such a bitch?

[JustBoppinAlong]

I've been in a new relationship now for maybe 3-4 months. He is lovely. He is the guy I always wanted.

But.. I have depression and anxiety. Am on medication for this, but my moods are up and down.

I have jealous tendencies (I trust him completely I don't worry he will cheat or anything). I am also very insecure. And when my mood is low I have a tendency to push people away and be a bitch. I guess deep down I fear he will leave me or hurt me so my brain try's to compensate for that fear and I try to push him away as that's me being in control and if I do the pushing then I'm getting in there before he leaves?

Anyway, when we are together it's perfect. But when we are apart we text every day. But if I need me time and need time alone one evening I'll tell him that. So he will go and catch up with his mates. Maybe go to the pub or go for a coffee. I then get all shitty with him and give him shit over text message.

I don't know why I do this. It's like I nit pick at things for no reason. I panic that he will see me for the idiot that I am and leave me. I worry he will realise he can do so much better.

But I feel like once I start in this mood I can't stop it.

Last night was another example. I was exhausted from work and am spending the weekend with him so said rather than see him last night I'll see him today for the full weekend.

So he went to the pub with a mate. Didn't get pissed just tipsy. I spent that time giving him shit over text message because I felt jealous that he was in the pub having a nice evening. Yet I had chosen not to see him. I feel like such an idiot that I have done this yet again.

He will see me today and pretend it didn't happen. He won't bring it up and won't moan about it. He just try's to not take it personally. But he shouldn't have to take that shit from me!

I don't do this just to him but anyone I'm close to. But he gets the most of the crap.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I know I'll get flamed for being a complete bitch. Will probably get told I don't deserve him and that if I lose him it's my only bloody fault.

I take everything personally. Body language, anything said. It's never meant how I take it. Yet I can't help reading into things too much and incorrectly.

Any advice on how to sort my shit out would be greatly appreciated. I really need to sort myself out before I lose the best guy I have ever met :(

[JustBoppinAlong]

Bump..

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Sorry I can't help, but just wanted to say I do something similar. I also have depression, low self esteem and am very jealous and insecure.

I'm also with a great guy who's very patient with me. I'm fed up of reacting like this.

[DropYourSword]

You can't help the way you feel or interpret things, but you can control the way you react. Stop letting yourself immediately react, stop telling yourself you can't help it and consciously think about whether what you're about to say / do is how you really want to behave.

[JustBoppinAlong]

Thanks for your replies. It's hard to stop how I react when I'm in that moment. And I regret it so much afterwards.

[Hopelass]

Agree with rubberduck. I think you'd benefit from counselling or CBT to give you strategies and tools to stop the thought process in its tracks and enable you to prevent yourself getting wound up and shitty with him over text. I used to do this all the time with an ex. I've suffered long term with anxiety and depression but CBT did help with this problem and I'm not normally like it with my DH only at the mo I'm pregnant and not on any meds so I have been a couple of times recently.

[Pumpkin2010]

I agree re: therapy.

Low self esteem causes jealousy, which is obviously what you're feeling when he's out doing things, having a good time (even if you told him to do this). I agree with giving yourself time to react. So instead of writing a message straight away, leave it for 20-30 mins and see if you still want to send it.

Could you maybe distract yourself when he's out doing things and you're home? Call a friend, do something that doesn't involve you checking your phone or having the ability to text him? I know it's difficult when you feel low, and as well as wanting the feeling of comfort from a loved one you also want to be alone. You just want to know that he loves you and is thinking about you when you're feeling crap. Maybe letting him know that would be helpful? He seems like an understanding person though.

Hope this makes sense! It did in my head!