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am I unrealistic to want to have something to live for?

(15 Posts)
DeepDarkPit Tue 02-Aug-16 01:18:19

In our 60s DH retired, I never went back to work after having kids late-ish, dh worked away, very demanding kids, my deteriorating health. yadayada.
Kids grown and flown, hardly bother with us. No grandkids, and there won't be any.
I am crap at making friends, and good at pissing people off. My 3 closest friends died of cancer 5 - 8 years ago. Many other friends and acquaintances I fell out with because of how badly I dealt with their homophobia about another family member. Got kicked out of a friendship group when I was ill and going through a rough time with tests, rather than them give me any support, which is what we did for the others.
I'm just fed up of existing, rather than living.
I do try to fill my time with things. I can't say what, or that will link me to my other name. I spend time with people at these things, but no time with friends for the sake of being together.
However, I am just empty. Poor dear DH does his best. I try to be cheerful for him, and we do have a laugh sometimes, but I am alone in my head far too much, and I don't like it. He has become very deaf, so won't/can't socialise.
There isn't one person whose doorstep I could turn up on , and say hey, put the kettle on, I'm mardy today. There's not much here, small dormitory town where nothing happens and everyone either knows everyone or is too wrapped up in their own life to notice anyone.
I go through the motions and that's it. It's not like weathering out a crappy few months with a child teething, or doing exams, this is my life, and it's boring. I have tried antiD's but they all disagree with me, and anyway, this isn't a bad patch to get over, this is life.
No idea why I'm posting this, tbh.

VioletBam Tue 02-Aug-16 13:19:22

Are you able to travel a bit? Could you afford to have a break? Go somewhere new?

Have you ever tried writing?

flowers for you. I understand.

dangermouseisace Tue 02-Aug-16 17:16:46

have you tried meditation OP? I went through a (good) phase a few years back, of reading a lot of books on buddhism/mediation. I'm not a buddhist. But the basic premise, that you have to learn to be able to just 'be' with yourself, be happy just by yourself, spoke to me a lot. Which reminds me that really I should revisit all that. It's not a solution, but gives you a firm basis for then working out what you want to do. I'm not explaining it very well. But instead of wanting 'something' to live for, it can make you feel content just to quite literally exist.

ImYourMama Tue 02-Aug-16 17:22:43

Have you considered fostering? My next door neighbours are retired and do respite fostering, so only weekends at a time or a few days, they love having people around them and have met people through the fostering networks. It's not for everyone but something to consider? Or volunteer with a local charity/group?

DeepDarkPit Tue 02-Aug-16 19:28:46

Thanks for replies and flowers.
Because of my physical injuries and limitations I can't even care for myself fully any longer, never mind care for anyone else; physically I'm on a par with some 80 year old neighbours. I need step stool, grab rails, etc to get in and out of the bath, walk with a stick, etc. DH carries shopping, laundry baskets, etc.
I do some online volunteer work, and make tea for the mums at toddler group once a week, and that is the most tiring part of my week but the one I enjoy most.
The meditation is a good idea - I'm on a waiting list for Mindfulness course via Pain Clinic. I think I'm stuck on a level of grief - grieving for the person I was a few years ago.
I've PM'd a distant friend, today, and will visit her next month - I've only actually met her three times, but Farcebook has its uses.

BerrySquash Tue 02-Aug-16 19:40:47

Is there any hobbys you enjoy doing walking/knitting etc. Perhaps you could join a local club? Do you enjoy reading? It sounds silly but sometimes reading a good book willl take you somewhere else and even when your not reading it, you think about it and its distracts you from other thoughts. Like others have said perhaps writing... or art, or is there something you've always wanted to do but never did, go somewhere you never had? Maybe you could do some more days at your mums group and get to know some of them, so you can maybe meet them outside of the group. Any local courses? flowers

DeepDarkPit Tue 02-Aug-16 20:47:18

Sorry, I've not made it properly clear. The thing that is getting me down is that I CAN'T get out and do most of these things. I'd love to be able to go for a walk, babysit a child, remember which character is which from one chapter of a book to the next. This is why I am struggling.
I'll look into sewing groups.

dangermouseisace Tue 02-Aug-16 21:38:52

Sorry to hear you've got severe physical problems. They will affect your mood. Glad to hear you are on waiting list for mindfulness. It is really meant to help with pain also will help with the grieving.

I used to be one of the people who gave out step stools rails etc. Some people see them as evidence of disability, some people as tools to help them live as independently as possible. And it's ok to have someone else carrying shopping/laundry- it's good to be interdependent, we are all humans and we are social creatures.

You may be surprised at what may be going on in your small town. There is always the possibility of making new friends who accept you for who you are. My friend saw a 90+ year old who had some wonderful advice…the friend noted that there were lots of pictures of her with other people doing stuff. She said it's important to keep making new friends throughout your life.

Also, it sounds like you are helping a lot, so you are contributing to society. I remember going to toddler groups and getting a cup of tea is fantastic- just because someone else is doing something for you, as toddlers are completely full on. Tea is essential to a happy life.

Viewofhedges Wed 03-Aug-16 15:56:30

OP I could have written a lot of your post even though our circumstances are very different. I'm younger than you but cannot have children and after a redundancy my career has stalled. I effectively have no career and no family at the moment and it's terrifying. I don't know what the point of 'me' is. I also live in a really small place (due to DH's work) where if you don't have kids there are very limited ways of making friends, and while DH is brilliant I know I need to lean on others as well as him. Other good friends have become distant because they've all had children.

Part of my terror is feeling that this is 'it' and that everything I've wanted to try and do, everything I've spent time in the workplace trying to achieve, has come to nothing, and therefore so have I. I just spend a lot of time on my own and in my own head, as you say, and don't know what I should be doing, though at the same time I really want to be useful.

I don't know why I'm writing this either other than to reach out a hand of friendship. You're very welcome to DM me if you like as we might be able to help each other to talk in more depth about options of things to do but that are more than just things to fill the time with. You'd be welcome to be mardy with me and have a virtual cup of tea. (I understand about the pain thing too - I've had chronic pain for 4 years though HOPEFULLY this is now on the mend, but it does mean I know how debilitating it can feel and how clueless the NHS can be about what it's like to live with).

DeepDarkPit Wed 03-Aug-16 20:48:31

Aww, hedges, that's much worse for you than for me!
The only bit of advice I can give is to get some activities set up that are pretty much cast in stone, daytime and evening ones. Once you are old enough, get involved with U3A, or something, if there is one close enough. I'm waiting until things start up again in September.
I wish I had done so before DH retired, as now we tend to spend too much time together. If I'd managed to get these things in place beforehand, it would have been easier to carry on. As it is, we spend so little time with other people, but without each other, that we have very little to chat about.
I don't suppose you're in southwest midlands, are you?
Best of luck for chronic pain being on the mend.

Simmi1 Fri 05-Aug-16 10:14:30

I'm in a similar position OP. This time last year I had a great career and great health - just about to go on maternity leave with my second baby (I'm 40). Since the birth we've moved to my husbands home country, I've quit my job and worst of all I've been having horrible health problems. My kids are still very young, but I do try and get out and about with them as much as I can. I mourn my old life when I was healthy, happy and fulfilled. My husband is very supportive but I just feel so awful and alone x

yoink Fri 05-Aug-16 10:31:11

Do your pain clinic offer CBT? If you've not done so already, ask them for a referral. They should be able to support you to work through your grief and help you find what works to help you make yourself feel better.

As pp said, mindfulness could really help you here. This book is really good if you want to crack on before your course starts: Mindfulness for Health

DeepDarkPit Fri 05-Aug-16 20:22:48

yoink that very book is sitting on the arm of my chair! All I need is to start reading the damn thing!
The CBT person in my area is a plonker. I was sent for CBT/GET a few years ago. She was pushing me to exercise, every day, no matter how I felt. It made me quite ill, as in heart rate getting over 100% of maximum safe rate, just walking 300 yards. I now can't walk as far as I could before she got her claws into me.
Simmi1, I do hope you are able to recover. I know how health problems are awful when you have little ones.
Anyway, I have signed up for sewing classes, and went to a 'gentle' yoga session today, which absolutely wore me out!

yoink Fri 05-Aug-16 22:29:29

oh no, I"m sorry to hear that re CBT plonker! I'm the CBT for pain plonker for our area so feel free to pm me if you want to chat. smile

That book is available on audio book if that's easier - that's how I 'read' books like that.

Simmi1 Sun 07-Aug-16 10:34:58

Thanks DeepDark, I hope you feel better too. That's sad about your children - could you try and make more of an effort with them. Would that help you feel more needed and wanted? Please pm me if you want to chat. I'm in a different country now but still. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I get so angry and resentful seeing friends on Facebook posting all fun things they're doing while I just feel so ill. Everyone's been telling me the illness will pass and I'll be back to normal but it's been nearly a year now and I'm still sick! I'm so cross on your behalf about being kicked out of a friendship group when ill - how disgusting! Most of my old friends don't bother checking up on me anymore and I've supported them loads....

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