Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Cant Cope with Emotions after abuse.

(11 Posts)
MyPeriodFeatures Fri 29-Jul-16 19:43:56

I had a horrible experience last year. After getting away from my abusive marriage I moved away and started a new job.

It was a grant funded charity that had been set up by a group of people and my job was an assistant manager. The manager was very charismatic and i told him lots about myself. I ended up really falling for him and last spring we got into a relationship.

He was well respected in the community we were in and my family new him through there networks. Me and my son moved into a rented house with him and almost immediately he became very controlling and very dominant with my son. He was behaving in ways with my son i was very uncomfortable with, keeping me up shouting at me, calling me negative and telling me i needed to sort out my 'mental health' problems. I ended up requesting a psychiatric assessment.

Then one day my son had said that he had touched his willy, he had also talked about cameras in the bathroom and boobie ladies on the computer.

I contacted the domestic abuse service who referred me to a refuge. They told me they couldn't take me as they knew this man through professional networks. I couldn't find another refuge so i went to a friends for about 3 days. I decided to go back, not let him near my son and make a plan B to get away.

When i got back he said that S who worked at the refuge had told him i was a 'crazy white bitch' who will be contacting services and accusing him of abuse. I didn't know but she took my referral. He kept me up for 3 days until i agreed to ring and retract what id said.

A day or two later i checked his computer and then I found Twink porn and google search for sex traffic boys as well as other porn and hook up and websites which had prostitutes advertising.

I tried to leave and he pushed me into a corner, i was holding my son at the time. He was shouting and i agreed to put my son to bed so we could talk.

I put my son to bed and then went into the living room. It was bizarre, he called a load of taxis, asked to have 'one last goodbye' with me and then left.

A couple of days later a social worker came out to see me as i had contacted the domestic abuse service. I told her everything, how distressed i'd been and what my little boy had said.

She said, that two year old say all sorts of things and that (I don't wish to describe here) the actions demonstrated by my little boy could be just being washed or cleaned.

She then said due to my mental health I wasn't allowed to be with my little boy on my own, I went back to be supported by my family. I then asked to go for support at the domestic abuse service.

The Social Worker said the abuse is my word against these men and that I needed to be fully assessed and have lots of questions to answer in psychiatric assessment.

I was the referred to an occupational psychologist. He said that I had been preyed on by a predatory pedophile and we talked over 6 weeks and I'm confident that my son hadn't yet been abused (if you don't count having photos taken)

I then saw the mental health practitioner and was basically told, you need to go back to the Domestic Abuse Service. At this time I also discovered that this Man had taken nearly all the money out of our joint bank account and had been controlling my Facebook account.

We finally got allocated a different social worker who basically saw through my ex husband and told me to write to say he is no longer to have contact due to the 'severity of domestic abuse' and he would be entitled to use the courts. I consulted a lawyer and did this. She then closed us. I agreed that i would do the pattern changing course too. Basically told, me and my family were total doormats and had been letting my ex husband walk over us.

During this time, This predatory boss got in contact with my ex husband and they wrote a letter to my employer saying i was insane, a risk to children, abusive blah blah blah.

I rode out another horrible investigation, then went back to work. This was in December.

By this time, this boss had left the country, and married someone abroad.

I then had six months to rebuild my life, got my house renovated, had no contact with my ex husband which was amazing. I gave up work, which was the right thing for me and my son.

I made a complaint to the Domestic Abuse Charity that their refuge staff had breached a confidentiality. They haven't taken this complaint or accknoeldged the confidentiality breach. Fine. I let it go.

I then went to a local charity which provide free counselling, as i really need to talk all this through. The first session ended up being with an old school friend, so we abandoned that and had coffee.

The next session was with a Man who pointed at a picture on the wall of yellow fields and said 'do you like my picture, its rapefields, I love the smell of rape' This was in June.

I ran from there! Since then I haven't had counselling. I was doing ok.

I went to court, represented myself and got the best outcome (apart from the absolute best) I could re contact with my son and ex and felt super strong and that his threats and lies didn't bother me. (I read cafcass reports which said, he left me as i was abusive, I was crazy etc) Reality - I fled while he was at work, Womens Aid helped me through this etc. I got through it. I was having panic attics before but got through the second and final court having had none. I felt very strong.

However, last month, the abusive man moved back to the area, is socialising locally and now working for the local authority. I have felt horrible. He's contacted mutual friend etc. I categorically know this man is dangerous.

Since I left, I have had people say 'we were worried about you, we wanted to warn you about him' Tell me stories of him being violent, of doing possibly fraudulent things, of huge lies he told. Example starting s smear campaign accusing someone of being a sex offender.

This week i couldn't cope with these feelings anymore, I called my mum who came and took my son to her house for the night. I then drunk half a bottle of gin. (I'm not a drinker at all! wine with a meal and thats it!) I went out in the street and shouted 'men are peados' I remember lying face down on my patio.

In the morning i went to the mental health service. They have referred me to a service which - get this - is run by a guy who is connected to both my exes and is an occultist! I can't go there.

My mum has my little boy who is having a lovely time. Ive been ringing samaritains, a couple of friends and cleaning my house and trying to get my head together.

Im so embarrassed about what i did when i was drunk. Really embarrassed. It is such a small community, i am known well locally - and liked - mostly! Im really embarrassed.

I have absolutely no idea how to deal with all this, how to put it behind me and how to live here. I can't move. we are settled and happy with good support. The anger i feel, at this injustice and the web of lies that my ex husband and then partner have spun have left me feeling my soul has been ripped out.

I have no idea how to move forward.

Owllady Fri 29-Jul-16 19:47:46

Carry on receiving support and counselling. It will get better, you need time to heal x

MyPeriodFeatures Fri 29-Jul-16 19:55:57

Apologies for the appalling grammar. Written in haste.

dangermouseisace Fri 29-Jul-16 20:22:52

f***king hell myperiod!!!!!! What the actual???!!!!!! Well done for remaining reasonably in control of your faculties. Well done for coming through this, and looking after you son, and looking for help. I don't blame you for what you did when you were drunk. I probably would have done it when sober to be perfectly honest!!

It is NOT ok and NOT professional for you to be seen by people connected to your ex. If you point this out to the agencies involved then they will move you somewhere else/get you referred somewhere else. As your ex is high level it is, in my view, perfectly reasonable to request being moved to a different agency. There will be services out there that are run/populated by people who are firmly in touch with reality, and not occultists. Go back to the MH service. You have done so much for your son and yourself. You are so deserving of decent, appropriate support. You need to work through this with someone- there is just so much there to work through. This is far outside the normal scope of everyday life you'd have to be superhuman to process it all, and move on without help.

I'd complain about the rape fields comment…how is that ok?

Do the local authority childrens safeguarding team know about the concerns re ex boss?

MyPeriodFeatures Fri 29-Jul-16 21:16:03

Hi, Thanks for your reply. I really don't know! When i think about it i can't believe it either, its bloody surreal....

I didn't complaint properly about the rapefields thing. I couldn't deal with anyone else making excuses for shit behaviour.

Yep, the safeguarding know about re ex boss, i saw the police. No evidence, they can't do anything. They didn't even take his computer or anything else. He's been very 'in' with the local police and authorities so they seemed quite uninterested. I spoke to immigration after he left the country in the vague hope they wouldn't let him back in but he's already got his papers and the grounds he got them on can't be undone. The immigration really wanted to help. They couldn't.

MyPeriodFeatures Fri 29-Jul-16 21:16:47

Hi, Thanks for your reply. I really don't know! When i think about it i can't believe it either, its bloody surreal....

I didn't complaint properly about the rapefields thing. I couldn't deal with anyone else making excuses for shit behaviour.

Yep, the safeguarding know about re ex boss, i saw the police. No evidence, they can't do anything. They didn't even take his computer or anything else. He's been very 'in' with the local police and authorities so they seemed quite uninterested. I spoke to immigration after he left the country in the vague hope they wouldn't let him back in but he's already got his papers and the grounds he got them on can't be undone. The immigration really wanted to help. They couldn't.

dangermouseisace Fri 29-Jul-16 22:39:03

well if social services (not just the police) know about safeguarding concerns, even if there is no evidence/he hasn't been convicted of anything, I'd pretty much expect there to be a file connected to his name. Which should mean that if anyone else reports concerns he already has prior allegations. I think everyone who works for social services knows it's hard to get a conviction for abuse, and that just because someone has been declared innocent/no evidence, that doesn't mean they didn't do it. It's really awful that someone can be like that, and get away with it. It is especially awful when you think about how things have been in recent years with celebs/dr's etc being discovered to have been getting away with abuse for years due to their positions…I'd have hoped that things would have got better…

I think, considering all you've been through, worrying about what people might have thought in your small village is not worth it. You've survived and you've got this far. Even if people don't know your history, in small places people tend to have seen each other through bad times and good and can be more accommodating of out of the ordinary behaviour! (Unless it's somewhere really posh where everything goes on up big drives behind closed doors). Also, as you say, you are settled where you are. Ex's web of lies will be exposed for what they are, people can see the actual living truth.

Going through the social services/psych assessments when you've been through crap and are reacting to it can make you feel like you're in some topsy turvey world where suddenly you're the one who's in the wrong…and the perpetrators get to skip away scot free. Sooner or later life will trip them up though. Right now, you have every right to be angry. There would be something wrong if you weren't. But yes, you do need help working through it!

erinaceus Sat 30-Jul-16 07:15:07

Wow. You have been through a lot. I have no practical advice, just wanted to send flowers and say that I believe you.

At the moment, the Samaritans help me when I find myself unable to cope with my emotions. I write this because if you find yourself drunk and about to go outside you could call them instead? I have always felt heard by them, even when I felt unable to express myself terrifically coherently. 116 123 - the calls are routed nationally so you will be unlikely to be speaking to someone local to you.

There are other helplines, but I am yet to find one as non-judgemental. If you are not getting on well with the volunteer you are speaking to, you can call back. For example I find it easier to talk to female Samaritans than male ones and this is not an issue for the person on the other end of the phone.

Some people do not find them helpful, but I do, at the moment, anyway. They listen and do not try to signpost you back to SS/charities/MH services, which is what I find that other helplines do.


Dutchcourage Sat 30-Jul-16 07:22:59

Really didn't want to read and run.

Bloody hell you are one strong lady flowers

Please put the drunk incident behind you, I've been there especially when I was having therapy.

Can you move in to your mums for a while?

MyPeriodFeatures Mon 01-Aug-16 03:58:19

Thanks. Erinacius dutch dangermouse. I've called Samaritans once. They were really good. Yeah, it is completely a topsy turvy world. It was me who asked for help after I had been in this situation. I would never ever ever trust services again, that is sad, it really shouldn't be like that. I start counselling tomorrow. It's private counselling, I can't afford it but I can't afford not to start dealing with this. I walk around going on about women's rights and I'm also shocked how common this is. Women losing their children to dangerous men after fleeing abuse. I'm so so so so angry.! I think that's what's hardest, the anger, and the guilt. I feel so guilty for exposing my son to this man and he's not even 3. I also feel angry because I would like to have had a new relationship but I feel so damaged and fucked up and untrusting I wouldn't and couldn't imagine it now.

erinaceus Mon 01-Aug-16 06:29:00

Dear MyPeriodFeatures

I hope that counselling helps you. I do understand the feeling of never trusting services again. My unsolicited advice is that you shop around for a good counsellor and be as upfront as you can be about the help that you do and do not need. Specifically, for me, a counsellor who assumes that I trust them from the start is functionally useless for me. This may or may not be the case for you.

Many counsellors offer a sliding fee scale if it is financially a struggle for you. This is where I find The Samaritans great when weekly therapy is not enough or for the dark-hours-before-dawn moments.

I also attend a group with other women and I find that so, so helpful and validating. There may be something like that in your area?

I hope you find a safe space to express your feelings. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to have your story heard in whatever way makes sense to you and however long it takes. I can understand the feeling of being too damaged to ever trust again. It is a lonely place to be. You are not alone on here.


Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now