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Just need some help.(2 Posts)
I am lashing out and snapping at my young kids constantly and know I am screwing them up permanently. I have no energy, I just don't want to be here, everything is wrong and twisted in my brain. I got a lovely new build council house a year ago but dont have the money or the motivation to make it look nice - still have concrete floors etc which depress me and really bug me for no reason and have no blinds or curtains. Its laughable how material things bother me actually. I am sabotaging my relationship and absolutely fuming at him for not good enough reasons like not moving in with me and the kids and not taking care of us or improving things or being capable of putting up a shelf. I came off citalopram last month as I was sick of having no emotions and being totally lethargic and unproductive. Then I spent 3 days crying and tried to kill myself. It sounds pathetic but I just wanted a break, I couldn't and didn't want to carry on having to function and look after my kids in this vicious cycle of snapping then remorse and knowing that I'm fucking their heads up leading to a future of shittiness for them when theyre adults which will all be my fault. I honestly not sure if they would be better off me living and continuing to bring them up.
I stayed with my mum for 2 weeks after I tried to kill myself shes great with the kids then I came home with them. Ive had the odd few days of feeling better and a bit productive but mostly just feel shit and now feel really really shit and have just ended my relationship after telling him to stay away for a week and now feeling worlds apart and at the same time angry with him for not swooping in and rescuing the kids even though I told him to stay away. Also sick of lashing out at him then feeling the remorse and knowing I've hurt him, he really doesnt deserve it. Went to see psych team but they just suggested IAPT counseling to try and deal with my temper and more anti depressants which I dont want to go on because if its the choice between being a depressed zombie or being a depressed zombie whats the point. I looked into dopamine levels as opposed to serrotonin and think maybe i have low dopamine actually as thats responsible for motivation and pleasure which i have none of. Also not sure what good counseling is you have to be feeling slightly functional in order to be able to attend.
I'm trying to change docs as mine are crap but cant find my driving licence and cant change without photo ID. Just stuck and something as simple as this has really got me stuck im just not functioning. I just dont want to be here anymore but I know if i end things my kids will suffer but dont know how to carry on.
I'm definitely no expert and only have my own experience to go on, but I have had similar feelings towards my son and partner as a symptom of depression, and am not yet able to cope with 'family life' just yet so I really sympathise.
The main bit of practical advice I would offer right now is to call the crisis team if you've got their number, or if not then try to get an emergency gp appointment to get a referral (I know it works slightly differently in different areas). If you're feeling desperate then the crisis team are the best placed to help you, although I know it probably feels like nothing can help.
Also re antidepressants, they can all affect you slightly differently so it might be worth trying a different one to give you enough strength just to at least get past the crisis.
Hope that helps a little bit - there are other posters on here who know a lot more than me but didn't want your post to go unanswered.
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