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How can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

(8 Posts)
Namechanged1213 Mon 18-Jul-16 21:59:20

My dp has been depressed and had severe social anxiety disorder for a number of years (since at school). We've been together for 5 years and we have a ds who iOS nearly 4 (unplanned but wouldn't change it for the world. He's left the house literally once in the past year which was for much needed medical treatment which was a battle and a half to get him to the hospital.

I'm kind of expecting a ltb response but I really want a way to help him as he's my sons father and I see the potential of what could be if he thought his demons. He baths once a month if that and I have to push him and literally bath him. I do all household jobs and look after our son 90% of the time. He has him once a week when I'm working and has his parents support with that. But my son adores him and they have a good relationship.

As I do all the cooking etc if I slightly burn something (im not perfect) I get shouted at that I'm a useless fat bitch. Then minutes later he can swing to be the loveliest guy ever. If I tell him he could help with cooking or washing up etc he says he can't he's too depressed he lacks motivation.

He had help from the mental health team but he declined meds and therapy as he's not ready and they can't help someone who doesn't want help. I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what to do. I've been very tempted to 'ltb' but worried then about him attempting suicide and my son growing up without a dad

Arfarfanarf Mon 18-Jul-16 22:07:31

You cant help someone who doesnt want to (or isnt able to) help themselves unless they reach the threshold for intervention against their wishes.

And 'ltb' when it's mental health seems harsh but you have a greater responsibility and that is to provide your child with a safe and stable home in which they will thrive and the life you outline isnt it.

Perhaps he is enabled to not make difficult changes because he is ok with the way things are. He doesnt have to do anything or go anywhere and he is fed and his needs attended to.

Maybe you should talk to the mental health team about leaving and get a plan in place. It might be what he needs to accept help. Or maybe he will never get to that point but the life you describe is awful and in the end you will end up horribly depressed and what of your son then?

Leaving doesnt mean abandoning.

AddToBasket Mon 18-Jul-16 22:11:03

Jeez, who else knows about this? Parents? Social services? You cannot deal with this on your own.

Namechanged1213 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:19:02

We actually live with his parents as his mum doesn't want me to cope on my own but in all honesty they work full time thwy do a bit of cleaning no watch ds on that day so I can work and get a bit of money as dp is only considered low on the dla so gets £20 a week from them. I honestly think outside of this house people don't realise how bad it is and I only have work friends not really friends i socialise outside of work with so I don't tell them about my private life.

Social services aren't involved as my child isn't in danger? Bit confused about the ss comment. I'm really nervous about posting on here maybe because it will show how bad things are. I don't know what I want people to say, I'm actually really regretting posting. But I want us all to have a better life

Bloopbleep Mon 18-Jul-16 22:25:50

Social services can offer more support for your oh, it's not all children at risk stuff. They can help him access services and you could ask for a carers assessment to see if you can get respite or your own support.

You need to sit down with your oh and his parents and sort a plan of action. It's all very well him agreeing he's unwell but being pigheaded about needing medication or therapy. It's scary but it's not something you can wait until you're ready for. That's an excuse and by continuing like this you and his parents are enabling his behaviour. Why should he change when everyone does everything for him?

While the whole pull your socks up crap is demoralising and demeaning, sometimes people need a wee kick up the Arse to get them doing what needs to be done. Your oh won't recover on his own and your situation won't improve as long as he does nothing to work towards recovery.

This isn't a LTB message but don't be taken for a fool either by him or his parents.

Bloopbleep Mon 18-Jul-16 22:26:39

Sorry for iPhone grammar and punctuation.

dangermouseisace Wed 20-Jul-16 10:23:06

Wow OP you've a lot on your plate. Your DP is lucky to have such an understanding person in their life.

I agree with the others. Your DP needs to see that his illness is not all about him- it effects everyone else in his family too. He seems to be entrenched in the role of 'ill person' rather than 'father', 'DP', 'son' etc, and is happy to stay there.

It's really horrible but if it was me I'd be saying that either he agree to take them meds and do therapy- basically accept ALL the help MH are offering and accept it NOW or I'd be moving out with child (but of course facilitating contact)., until he DID accept help. And then it would have to be followed through of course. If he does something to himself then that would actually be his decision and his responsibility. If he is that depressed that he can't help with the washing up as he lacks motivation, he probably couldn't be bothered to kill himself either. You cannot be expected to live your life as a constant accommodation of his illness without him actually trying to do something to help himself. He needs to understand there are consequences to his choices, and that he actually is the one who holds the power to change things for the better.

ExP gave me the meds or divorce ultimatum many years ago and he was perfectly right to do so (we're divorced now cos he was an arsehole in other areas). I have to cooperate with MH team in all ways/continue to take tablets etc or my kids would end up with their dad. There are consequences for us all; sometimes we have to do things in life that we don't want to, to get to where we want to be.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Wed 20-Jul-16 12:38:18

You can't go on like this. It's one thing being with someone who is unwell, but is accessing help and trying to get better. It's completely different when someone won't do anything to help themselves.

You need to think about yourself and your son. This sounds like such a draining situation to be in and you're not equipped to be able to fix this for him as he needs professional help to get him out of his depression.

As Arfarfanarf said, leaving doesn't mean abandoning. If you doing what you are doing now isn't helping or changing anything, then you need to look at other options and change from putting his needs first, to putting the needs of you and your child first.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You need support and a life too.

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