Still not enjoying being a mum...

[Nameless12345]

WARNING HONEST & VERY LONG POST...
I became a mum in 2014 aged 23 at the time I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years the baby was unplanned and at the start of my pregnancy he did not take it well and told me to have a termination or that he would leave me the first few months were incredibly difficult to this day I rember it was being one of the saddest times in my life I reasoned & fought with him to keep the baby finally at around 4 months he came around to the idea and things got a lot better my pregnancy was easy and I had a natural delivery spending a weekend in hospital here is where it all began.. The first night in hospital was hell on a ward exhausted surrounded by a constant loop of crying babies I made efforts to breastfeed my baby but no matter how long I did it for it was never enough milk to satisfy their hunger..We returned home to my moms place because of recently moving our house was not ready so we had no nursery ready for our baby and being in between houses we stayed at my mums where I was constantly told what I & my partner were doing wrong with the baby.

Fast forward to the present absolutely hate being a mom I do not know why or what it is but I just have not bonded with my baby at all. I look after them well & make effort ie read to them at night and do activities and they are always nicely dressed and well fed but my heart just is not in it at all.. Every day I get frustrated and feel mentally and physically exhausted it just seems I am always cleaning and tidying my house or doing washing only for my house to be ruined by my baby throwing food or leaving crumbs or scattering toys all over the place! My relationship with my parents has declined where I cannot stand to be around them listening to the baby talk or how that baby is now my life! The word mum litrally makes my skin crawl ie when my mom goes oh look there is mumma (mumma is there) whatever I do for my baby it is never good enough by the standard of my mom which often leads to arguments then I sink into spouts of depression where I feel out of my depth being a mom.. Last year because of how I was and being very down at home and wanting to break free from mum life I attempted to leave my boyfriend and baby only to be dragged to doctors where they stated the obvious that I have PND and that I needed medication which I refused accept the way I see it is you cant help how you feel at the end of the day no amount of happy tablets are going to magically make you not regret your decisions and make you enjoy being a mom.

I just honestly feel that its all to much to young if I would give anything to be single and baby free enjoying my mid 20s if I could turn back time I really would. My favorite days after where my baby is in nursery 3 times a week to which I get grief from. I absolutely hate being a mom and the responsibility that comes along with it I hate how people change around you I hate how old I feel now I am only 25 but feel about 40 my body even looks it over weight stretch marks! My boyfriend ( baby's father ) is great to me but our relationship is dull and seriously lacks passion hes always going on at me saying how he pays for everything as my job hardly brings in big bucks! I just feel we have done everything so wrong last year shortly after moving into our house I fell pregnant but seeing how I had coped with my baby and not enjoying being a mom at all my partner & i easily made the decision to get an abortion & with my new career that relied heavily on my appearance & given how much i already hate looking after one baby this time I did not object at all. Despite not regretting it the abortion was upsetting & still effected me afterwards in the months that followed I fell into a deep depression which lead to a breakdown which resulted to me trying to leave my family last year everything feels like such a mess riddled with sadness & disappointment even as I write this it still shocks me that I am writing about my own life.

Anyone who is reading this who is pregnant and not sure what to do if you are not someone who enjoys being around children or if you your partner is encouraging your to have an abortion and you want to keep the baby hoping you will have a happy family at the end well I have been where you are and I am living that happy ending that scenario obviously I cannot speak for you & how you might feel years down the line but its not always the ending you thought you wanted before I had my baby all my friends lives with babies and houses seemed so much happier and meaningful than my carefree work part time & party/shop life THE GRASS IT NOT ALWAYS GREENER!.. please please really think about yourself and what you really want from life & what makes you happy before making a decision you have the rest of your lives to be a mom. As for me I really do not know where things are going to go I am in a better place now that I wont leave my family and make more effort but I am not happy.

[JE678]

Firstly, I am sorry that you are feeling so awful. Motherhood is repetitive and claustrophobic, I completely get that. Having gone through PND with my first your post really sets off PND alarm bells to me. I know that you have refused medication and I understand your reasoning why. However, I would say that PND isn't rational and whilst it might feel like medication won't change your thoughts about motherhood, it really can. I felt exactly the same and wanted to run for the hills but meds and therapy completely changed it. It took a while but I love being a mum now. Yes it's exhausting but the bond is now there. Please consider giving it a go if your GP had diagnosed PND.

[DiamondInTheRuff]

OP you've been through an awful lot.

I second what JE678 says - please go back to your GP, they will be able to help you with medication / counselling. I get what you're saying about pills, really I do - but you need to remember that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a medical condition and not getting treatment for that is no different to refusing treatment for a broken leg. Small children are HARD WORK and there is no shame - NONE - in needing some medication to help you.

Did I read it right that you had a second unplanned pregnancy last year, which you decided not to continue with? In the nicest possible way would it be worth having a review of your contraception? You obviously don't want to be pregnant again so perhaps there is something that would suit you better? Different things work better for some people.

FWIW I had my son in 2013 when I was 30. Married, settled in a home, completely planned pregnancy. He's 3 now and I still find it very, very hard. I'm pregnant with number 2 now (again, planned) and find it very overwhelming at times. So I'm not surprised it's been tough for you.

Are you parents supportive now that you've moved out or are they still critical?

[mostimproved]

Agree with the previous posters about going back to the GP and a combination of medication and some kind of counselling/talking therapy. The medication isn't a 'happy pill' as such but it can take the edge of to give you the strength to work through the therapy (she says, haven't quite got there myself but that's what psychiatrists keep reassuring me!)

Personally I felt I didn't bond with my son and spent his first 2 years letting my DP deal with everything as I just couldn't cope with working and being a mum. I was 21 when my son was born and I also hated the word 'mum' and felt cut off from my non-mum friends who still had their freedom. I'm still addressing my mental health issues which are very present atm, but now my son is a reason to carry on rather than part of the problem. I still find him stressful at times but have found that as he's got older and talks etc and is more like a little person rather than a baby/toddler it has been a lot easier to bond properly.

Anyway sorry for the rambling but didnt want to read without ewplying and I hope you get the support you need.