At Crisis Point, Rock Bottom - No Help

[Broken1Girl]

Depressed, can barely get out of bed depressed, but I do eventually...that's forcing myself...mental health team think I'm just lazy and are nagging me to do courses, voluntary work, see friends/ make new friends etc...
I haven't showered in and my hair is in knots, I have phoned 111 in tears and been taken to A&E in the stained pyjama top I've worn for days I've just put an hoodie over it and jeans or joggers on...

I am hated by everyone. I think it is a conspiracy, I don't want this to end up being too long but briefly so much of my life and the way I have been treated makes sense if I think that there are powerful people who want me to end my life.

I've told the professionals everything, I really have, but it's just dismissed. I struggle to find the words, but I don't come across like I do. They seem to think middle class, educated, articulate etc means you can't really be ill. I can sound I don't know, with it, in control, but on autopilot, my brain is in this dark chaos thinking I want to be dead.

They don't see the actual meltdowns. The mask goes on. I am scared to lose control. In the past I've had it all, police involved, hospital, and all I got was punishment for things that weren't really in my control, but were seen as manipulative bad behaviour.

Like just this morning in A&E I was sitting waiting, apparently calm and reading my magazine, messing around on my phone...they can't see I was thinking of ways I could hurt and kill myself in there...

If there's no help I don't think I can go on. I don't have any strength left. I am increasingly thinking, for what - I'm ugly, a freak, clearly hated. My life is objectively (again, for reasons I won't go into or this post would become a thesis) ruined. All I can see is carrying on NOT living until I become a bitter old woman with no partner, friends, career, nothing.
I would say with ten cats but I have one now and I'm letting her down, I love her so much but I often feel numb to that, or I feel irritable towards her. I would NEVER hurt her but I get images of it. She is such a sweet cat and she deserves better. If I wasn't here she would have a good home, not someone who isn't really coping.

I think it would actually be so easy to end it all (won't list the methods I think of) but haven't done it so maybe they're right and I am just attention-seeking and talking crap. I don't think I'm scared of death, not being here, in this pain, is so appealing. Just of pain during the process, or surviving and being disfigured/ disabled. I wish I could go to Dignitas.

[erinaceus]

Broken1Girl



I hear you. Is there anything in particular you would like help with? We can also do listening, it is one of the things MN can do.

[Openmindedmonkey]

Please talk xx

[Openmindedmonkey]

How are you today, broken1girl?

[ChubbyBubby]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so desperate. I'd guess that your current beliefs that you are clearly hated and that your life is ruined are being coloured by your severe depression. I also think that your view that the mental health team that your involved with think your lazy may well be distorted by your current problems. The suggestions around voluntary work, courses and seeing friends are all sound and proven ways to improve depression. However it may be that at the moment you're in the midst of a crisis and need to hang in there, maybe those things will help you in the future. What is the help you are looking for now though? My guess is that there will be people out there who can help you but you need to let them.