How to be a good mum when no-one loves you?

[thirdeyee]

Tips please if possible. I am not being as good as I could be and upsetting everyone with my shouting.
I have 3 teens and a toddler. I'm a single mum twice- older ones dad moved abroad when they were small. Younger one dad has schizophrenia he couldn't hack my pregnancy and disappeared a month before the birth leaving me in a right financial mess. I have an emotionally abusive childhood and both my other sibs don't speak to our parents- I'm the only one who does as I've not stood up for myself and let then carry on bullying me. Ive managed to not have much to do with them over the last few years. Reading that it sounds like a car crash of a life, it isn't and I still cook the kids lovely things and read to them etc ect. As I have no one to love me I find it hard to keep going all the time and be positive enough about life for the teens. How do I pull myself together and be less volatile. Its selfish and I know I am failing and repeating the cycle started by my parents.

[Clonakiltylil]

You are dealing with so much and I think that's amazing. My situation is similar although I just have the one teenager. I shout from time to time too - doesn't everyone? It's ok - they aren't being traumatised by it. Just keep on raising your family and being Supermum. It probably doesn't feel like you are but that's the way it looks from the outside!

I have no one to love me either except my child and that's difficult to accept. Big hug (( ))

[AnxietySertraline]

The love from children is the Best kind of love

[dangermouseisace]

It sounds like you are trying very hard in difficult circumstances. You have awareness of the impact your own upbringing had on you and your siblings and are eager to avoid providing the same upbringing for your kids. That self awareness is the crucial.

You say you are not 'as good as I could be' and 'upsetting everyone with my shouting'. I think everyone feels they are not as good as they could be- it's more about being 'good enough'. And I think everyone shouts at times Especially with teenagers.

Have you tried talking to your kids? E.g, if you feel you have been unreasonable, do you apologise? Have you discussed ways to reduce shouting?

I think it's impossible to eliminate it. I feel bad about shouting and then I go into school and whoah the teachers don't half give it some! And I've just moved next door to a single mum with teenagers. There is often shouting, especially in the morning, but her kids are always out on time for school, and she's lovely and so are her kids. Be kind to yourself.

[megletthesecond]

Ah, I feel like this too. Total lp and horrific 'relationship" with my mum (she has to do a couple of school pick ups which doesn't help). I think it's hard to be resilient when you're never being topped up emotionally. Off to work though, will ponder this and come back later .

[notagiraffe]

I know this sound cheesy but if you take really good care of yourself, and love yourself (not in a narcissistic way but treat yourself as you would treat someone you loved - with lots of support and positive talk and kind advice and small treats etc.) then that's your best start.

Can you get any support form your siblings. they know what you all went through and have chosen distance from your parents. Would they be supportive of you?

I agree that the love you get from your DC can keep you going a lot. Try not to shout. Just practise saying the stuff you want to shout at normal volume. it makes a massive difference. And have lots of hugs and take time to surprise them with a few treats that show you listen to them and are aware of what matters to them. (I put some songs on youtube and played them for DS1 as he came home from school after a hard day the other day. He was amazed I knew who the bands were and that he liked them. Doesn't have to cost anything - just effort.)
Make some family rituals that are easy to set up but fun to do and remember (e.g. home made pancakes on Sunday mornings or all watching a comedy together before bed.
That way you are building some happy, loving memories for all of you. They will feed you as well as your DC.

And I think you sound great and like you're providing your DC with a stabler childhood than you had, or than they'd have had without you, so

[crazydil]

I feel for you. What you're doing our s incredibly difficult and it doesn't sound as though you're giving yourself enough credit. It's tough being a parent, but a single parent with no help??? I can find no words.

I find what helps me from screaming (too much) is to take a break from the madness. Walk into my room for a few minutes.

As pp said everyone raises their voice, but its a good idea to remind your kids that you do love them abd you're there for them. It sounds like you're doing a great job!!!

[DollyBarton]

You are every bit as valuable a person as anyone. Other people who love you is not an indicator that you are less valuable. And your kids love you in a way that can't compare to anything. Life is short and you have produced 4 humans who you are cooking for and reading to. I'm sure you do a million other things for them too. Would you look into a parenting course to help you with the areas you feel are not good? But the fact that you feel you are not a perfect mum says that you are one of the good ones. We all could do with improvement though so no harm to get some support if it makes you feel more in control.

Finally, do you have hobbies and time to do things for yourself? I find it hard to have self worth when I'm not involved in anything for myself. Look locally for something to join and maybe your eldest can mind the toddler? I go to my hobby at 7pm once a week for an hour and it's fantastic to have my own thing. My 3 little ones are in bed from 7ish so I don't feel like it takes me away from my mum job.

But you are important. And loved.