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I think this is my crisis point

(53 Posts)
Throughautomaticdoors Fri 24-Jun-16 23:15:02

I've had a nc - I was sweetelizarose

I've been struggling since having Dd six months ago...I thought I was doing better. I'm on 100mg sertraline which has made me less depressed but hasn't really touched the anxiety if that makes sense. I've been to my GP numerous times - I'm probably single handedly bankrupting the NHS - I've signed up online for a cbt course as recommended by my perinatal health lady and you know what? I still don't feel any better. I did. For a short time. But now I feel so so anxious again. I cannot get over the fact I did not vaccinate my daughter against rotavirus. It's become like an obsession. I delayed it for numerous reasons and then when I took her to have it it was too late.
I just feel like I've let her down so badly. I'm her mother and I should have protected her. I don't deserve her. I can't put this right and I don't want to carry on anymore. I'm too scared to take her out the house in case she catches it and even though I know she'd likely be ok she would feel pretty poorly and I could have stopped it and I didn't. I just can't put it right can I? If only I'd given the fucking vaccine, instead I've ruined all our lives. I don't think I can carry on and live with the guilt any longer, I just don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to feel shame and guilt every time I look at her beautiful face, I don't want to feel too scared to take my 7 year old somewhere in case any of use pick up rotavirus, I'm so fed up and crucially it is all my fault.
I just want someone to tell me she won't catch it or that she won't be too ill but no one can so instead I'm just waiting all the time for her to be ill. I feel like every day is borrowed time, somewhere in the future the day is lurking when my poor decision will make my daughter unwell. It's all I can think about, I keep trying to find a solution and there isn't one because it's too late. I can't undo it. The only answer is to never go out and what sort of a life is that?

Sorry. I know I must be boring people stupid but I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. I don't think I will ever feel better because of what I've done to my daughter. She's so trusting and I've failed her so badly. I don't want to carry on I just want it to stop.

elephantoverthehill Fri 24-Jun-16 23:22:00

Hey automatic doors writing this down may have helped your thought process. Who said it was too late for the vaccine? There are children all around the world who are healthy and have not had this. Be gentle on yourself.

Primaryteach87 Fri 24-Jun-16 23:27:15

I've read your posts before. I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I know people have told you before that the rotavirus is quite a new addition and the lack of having had it is extremely unlikely to cause you daughter any problems. But I understand that anxiety doesn't listen to those sorts of things. I had post natal anxiety and I remember my spiralling thoughts, which seemed silly to others (and me now). Have you felt able to be open with your GP about the extent of your feelings? Sending chocolate

Throughautomaticdoors Fri 24-Jun-16 23:32:11

She's too old. It has to be before 15 weeks. The nurse said it was ok until 19 weeks but it was wrong and crucially I thought she was wrong at the time but didn't pursue it.

I've told the perinatal nurse and had a referral to the perinatal Dr who upped the sertraline. Basically I just can't believe I've done this to her, I've ruined everything. Either I risk her getting ill or she doesn't get to go anywhere or do anything. That's no life for her or my son.
I don't want to carry on.

Primaryteach87 Fri 24-Jun-16 23:43:57

Automaticdoors, you can all have a great life together but your mental health is the stumbling block here, rather than the vaccine. I totally understand the fixation on one thing, I had a different fear that I focused on to the point of making myself ill.

Do you have the crisis team number?

I just want you to know you can make it through this. You can be happy and healthy and so can your daughter & son.

I'm going to sleep now, but if it gets really bad and you don't have a crisis number, just got to A&E they will get you help. You can make it through tonight. X

Throughautomaticdoors Fri 24-Jun-16 23:49:14

Thank you

I just feel like no matter how much help I have it wont make any difference because I can't put this right. And I don't deserve to feel better, little dd will feel so ill and I could have stopped it from happening. I can't get out of this spiral because I don't see how any more support etc will change anything when the problem is I didn't vaccinate and now I can't undo that.

elephantoverthehill Fri 24-Jun-16 23:49:54

* if it gets really bad and you don't have a crisis number, just got to A&E they will get you help. You can make it through tonight. X*
This is the best advise

Throughautomaticdoors Sat 25-Jun-16 00:04:51

I can't imagine ever being able to go anywhere or do anything ever again without this worry.
Dh wants to go on holiday in the summer but what's the point? Dd can't go swimming or anywhere there are loads of kids as she might catch something.
I took ds everywhere and it never crossed my mind he'd get ill. But this is different because this is my fault. I just want to rewind time. I could have prevented all this.

PatriciaHolm Sat 25-Jun-16 00:07:12

No, you couldn't.

If you had vaccinated, your illness would be making you focus on something else. In fact it already has if I remember rightly - chicken pox?

So no, none of this is your fault. You are very ill and need help.

Throughautomaticdoors Sat 25-Jun-16 00:25:30

I could have prevented her getting sick

Aldilogue Sat 25-Jun-16 05:32:43

I'm in Oz and they did not have the rotavirus vaccine when my son was born ten yrs ago. When my 8 yr old was a baby they gave it to her without informing me because they assumed I knew about it.

My 4yr old son had the vaccine and then developed intersuception where the bowel collapses in on itself. After a stint in hospital, the doctor told me that it's a side effect of the vaccine which affects boys between 6 and 18 mths old.
If I'd known that I wouldn't have let him have the vaccine.
Your child will be just fine. We all have no idea what will happen at any time to any one of us.
Try to enjoy your time with her, all time precious and anxiety is a horrible lie that robs you of any joy.
I wish you all the best.

Throughautomaticdoors Sat 25-Jun-16 09:12:08

I want to die
What's the point? This is my life now. Endless worry, unable to go out, no sleep, no happiness. There's no end to it. I wish I'd never had my children

Primaryteach87 Sat 25-Jun-16 10:08:52

You dont have to feel like this forever and there WILL be happiness and joy and laughter again.

You are very unwell. Please honestly and bluntly tell A&E or crisis team how you are doing. I think a mother and baby unit might be a good idea. Would you be open to that?

Please throw yourself into getting help. I know it's impossible to hope when you're unwell, but please allow others to help you so you can hope again.

Get through today. X

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 10:27:49

www.postpartumprogress.com/a-toolkit-for-postpartum-anxiety-panic-symptoms

There may be something of help here. Please remember you are not alone in this and you will get through this. A&E is definitely the right place if you need crisis support.

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 10:31:22

www.facebook.com/charitySANE/photos/a.182625075142538.47734.111493462255700/1104904022914634/?type=3

You can do this. With the right support. X

Potentialmadcatlady Sat 25-Jun-16 11:02:45

Hi , I'm having awful problems with anxiety/PTSD/depression at min and know exactly how you feel...my anxiety and thoughts of wanting to die focus on completely different things to you but I understand how you feel..I'm trying to stay calm by literally focusing on getting through each section of day- right now it's getting to lunchtime when I need to go pick up one of my kids..
I understand were you are at..you aren't alone in this- I know that's what freaks me out- being alone...a few weeks ago I couldn't talk to anyone at all- not by email/txt/phone etc ...I just lay under a blanket waiting to go...it's very scary and I hate the physical feelings of anxiety.. I understand..

I hope this helps- it's written from a helping point of view-- my second child was very ill and couldn't have vaccine for rotavirus... He ended up catching it while he was in ICU for a different issue.. He got better... He had a few rough days bu he got better... It wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done to change what happened... You didn't get your child the vaccine for reasons that were good intended....
Hang in there...I'm trying to...we could hang in together...

TheWildRumpyPumpus Sat 25-Jun-16 11:10:50

There are better meds for anxiety - have you seen a psychiatrist for med review?

Things will improve but I know how hard it feels at the time.

Throughautomaticdoors Sat 25-Jun-16 12:32:54

Yes and she upped the sertraline.

I wish I'd never even heard of rotavirus.

I can't see any other way out because I can take all the meds in the world and have cbt but it won't change the fact I've failed my daughter so badly. It never really lifts, it's like panic - how can I fix this? - and I can't. That's the hardest thing. I can never ever put this right or make it up to her. I don't deserve her, I've abused her by not vaccinating her. I've chosen for her to be ill.

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 13:01:41

This is your illness speaking to you. It is not the truth. You can and you will get well again. When you are well you will see that you are not to blame for anything. You are a loving Mum doing a wonderful job at the same time as fighting for your own mental health. You are strong. Your little one needs you to keep on asking for help until you get what you need to get through this.

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 13:11:40

Do you have a phone number for a crisis team you can talk to?

Throughautomaticdoors Sat 25-Jun-16 16:43:53

No the card just says ring 111
There's just no end to it. I have to live with this terrible decision forever

Throughautomaticdoors Sat 25-Jun-16 16:45:23

Which is why the thought of forever being shorter rather than longer is so appealing

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 21:33:00

Sorry op, had to go out, but have been thinking of you. Please hold on, and focus on today, the here and now. Please call someone for help, this charity has an info line and a crisis number, and are waiting for your call: www.nopanic.org.uk/contact-us/

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 21:36:15

Helpline: 0844 967 4848
Crisis Number: 01952 680835
You are not alone Xx

caitlinannalisesmummy Sat 25-Jun-16 21:40:24

You can do this x

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