My DD attack has brought mine flooding back..

[QuietAngel81]

Hi, im fairly new on here, but desperatly need help.
Im no good at talking to strangers face to face & dont know what to do.
My 16yr old DD has an ongoing case against her ex, he was her first real boyfriend & 3 months after they seperated, she told me the reason why, he had forced her sexually & would not stop, even though she asked him to. There is now a case ongoing.
As well as dealing with her problems, its brought all mine back from 20 years ago, I never told anyone, and have lived with this.

I hadnt realised how much it had affected me until I wrote into "this morning" and got a lovely reply from denise robertson.

I have been under the mental health team - but no one seams to understand me or know what is wrong, so I was discharged; either bipolar or personality disorder!!

Anyway, this is now interfering with my relationship, and I just cant seem to be myself with being intimate, im ok if I have had a drink ( i dont drink often) but I just dont seem to be able to snap out of the "low" I am in.

I pretend I am ok, I try my hardest to continue with cuddles & kisses, but I am not, and push people away & dont talk, I can't, its my biggest downfall...

The police want me to report what happened to me, but I just dont think I can cope mentally.

I dont come on often, so please excuse my slow response.
Any advise would be appreciated x

[QuietAngel81]

Sorry if I have posted in the wrong group.

[rainytea]

Quiet first of all I'm so sorry this is happening to you now and did back then. What you're feeling is totally normal though. Totally. There is nothing wrong with you - your reaction is normal for an event that isn't normal.

I understand the difficulty in talking face to face about it. The words just don't come out somehow.

But you're reaching out for help and this is a really brave and good thing.

I'm wondering if you might find it easier, at least in the short term, to write about it, or even talk on the phone about it rather than face to face? Would that be easier? The Samaritans have an online service where you can email. Or you could call them (it's not just for people who are suicidal). You don't need to commit to anything or be assessed, you can just call when you like. Would that be better?

And there's also Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk) that has centres and phone lines too. They're more specifically for rape and sexual assault than the Samaritans, so it depends what you feel comfortable with.

You have been very strong and still are, even if it doesn't feel like that. Don't feel you need to be any way for other people, especially if you don't feel like being intimate now - that's really ok. You're allowed not to do anything you don't 100% want to.

And keep posting here too because this is one topic Mumsnetters are really good at helping with and more people will be along soon. You're not alone.

[QuietAngel81]

Thank you rainytea, I have a fantastic support lady from rape crisis for my DD, she knows about mine too and has been wonderful, she calls me every couple of weeks to check in & has been out to see dd, but she too has issues with talking. When she calls we go over both my dd & my own feelings.

I never get alone time to call anyone, so this was my first option!

My DH has a high sex drive, but talking to him is not an option as I dont think he understands. Xx

[rainytea]

It's good that rape crisis are already involved.

Your partner's high sex drive is HIS high sex drive. You are not obliged to satisfy his needs to keep him happy, especially when you don't feel like it - for any reason at all.

Does he know that your DD's situation has brought yours back? Sorry, I couldn't quite tell from your message. If not, even if you think he won't understand, maybe it would be an idea to let him know. If he doesn't get it, please hold onto the thought that that's his problem, because what happened to you was awful and it's totally normal (to be expected even) that you feel this way now.

What about close friends or family? Have you told anybody?

I don't know how you're feeling about it, but I just wanted to add that it's not uncommon for people to feel ashamed of what happened to them or how they feel now. If that's the case for you (and I would hope it's not) know that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No matter what the circumstances, somebody made a decision to do this to you. You didn't do it to yourself - that's impossible. There is a lot of shame to be felt, but not by you, that belongs squarely on the shoulders of the person/people who did this to you.

Everything you feel now is a sign of how wrong what happened to you was, not that you're in any way weak. In fact, it shows you're perfectly normal.

What would you like to do? Would you like to talk more to the RC lady for example? What would you really like for yourself now?

[QuietAngel81]

Hi, I will reply later, going to work now x