I have had about six boyfriends and am 27. I have bipolar disorder and am on meds. When I was sickest, suicidal and totally off the rails, I lived with a man I was also sleeping with. This was after I'd got out of an abusive relationship.
We weren't "official" because he felt it'd be too much pressure as we were housemates, kind of moving too fast. I felt insecure as a consequence and constantly obsessed over the idea of him being with someone else, being ashamed of me, finding me unattractive, and using me.
I was so upset with his lack of commitment that I told all my friends and family he was an arsehole who was leading me on. When I tried to explain my part in it all, nobody believed me - "oh no, you're great! you'd never be clingy/obsessive/etc." because they've never seen me like that. They wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways about my side.
Eventually I moved out, and he got a girlfriend. They announced it on FB and that's how I knew. He'd been sexting me the day before and a week earlier had told me he wasn't seeing anyone. I flipped completely, got the train to his and refused to leave until we "talked". My heart was pounding and I felt like I might die from the panic. I was acting nuts.
Now she's out of the picture. I went NC for months, probably 8 months. He tried to get in touch by various routes and I blocked them all. Then I answered and we arranged to meet. Everyone told me I was at risk of getting hurt, they wouldn't listen when I said I was in a dark place with my bipolar and that his lack of commitment was because I was behaving like a prize fucking lunatic.
I went to see him to "show" him how sane I am now. I was doing OK. We chatted every day, then he went silent/ghosted for 48 hours. I panicked it was like the old times and I sent tons of messages. He claimed his phone was just upstairs/he'd been asleep and was short with me. I asked if we were going to be official and he said not now I'd sent all those messages.
I've blown it by reacting to my anxiety and pushing and pushing him. Something happens when I feel he's pulling away; I feel frustrated and stressed and want to keep picking at the scab, to force him to react. I don't know why I'm like this and I hate it.
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Mental health
I'm eroding the good stuff between us because of my obsessional behaviours. Help.
6 replies
fieldofpurpleflowers · 06/06/2016 13:34
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