Help. This is too hard.

[Psion]

Have persevered with Trazadone for nearly 10 weeks now. Have been in 250mg of it for 12 days now. Have also persevered with the Quetiapine for over 6 weeks now. Have been on 150mg of it for past 12 days.

But I still feel dreadful, so low and hopeless, and anxiety is really bad. Having to force myself out of the house, and terrified to be left alone. I am.fighting off despair most of the time. I only get a brief couple of hours of peace, late at night. Then in the morning I wake really groggy but filled with dread and panic. It's too hard and it's slowly killing me.

Surely I should be better than this by now?My CPN agrees that Trazadone doesn't seem effective and it's time for a change in meds. But I am so scared incase the next AD doesn't help either and I will suffer the same until one day when I can't take anymore.

I am so weary of feeling frightened mist if the time. Everyone says how fabulous Quetiapine is for anxiety, but it has done nothing for mine. Infact I feel my anxiety has just got worse. This really scared me too because if this wonder drug doesn't help then what the Hell will?

I am so scared about what will happen to me. I haven't genuinely laughed in weeks, my smiles are fake and I just feel dead inside.

[blue2014]

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you. Have they offered any alternatives to medication like therapy?

[Psion]

Thank you. I am due to start CBT in 2 weeks, though my CPN wonders if I'm to fragile to benefit yet.

[NanaNina]

The problem with drugs for depression/anxiety is what works for one doesn't always work for another. And what works in one episode doesn't always work in a later episode. It's just something else to add to our feeling shit.

Look please don't take this the wrong way or think this is going to happen to you, but some of us try different ADs and combinations of ADs over months and years. That's been the case for me and I'm on 3 different ones at the moment and nothing brings me any lasting relief. My psych is encouraging me to have ECT but I've researched it and I'm too scared of memory loss.
I agree with your CPN that it's not the right time to start CBT when you are so low. There are plenty of books you can get on Amazon on CBT that you can pick up and put down, and won't be such an ordeal as going out to meet someone you don't know for therapy, and apply your mind to it, if that makes sense. Like you on bad days I get a bit of respite late at night and mornings are the worst.

Wish I could offer you something to help but I can't. Mental illness is a fucking torment and to make matters worse no one who hasn't experienced it can have any understanding of the way it sucks the life out of you. Sometimes I think I'm going to hit the next person who says "you'll feel better now the sun's shining..............grrh" My neighbour said that to me this morning and I just had to walk away.

Do you mind saying how old you are and whether you have children, DH/DP. I suppose I am fortunate in that I'm old (72) and a grandparent so don't have young kids around. Do you have to go towork. Oh sorry I'm bombarding you with Qs - you don't have to answer!

[hangingoutattheendofmywick]

Sorry to hear you feel this way. I have been where you are. I'm now on Citoplam (think I've prob spelt that wrong) and I'm starting to feel better. It's my only experience of drugs but couldn't read and not comment and just say I hope you find something that works for you. Keep trying it'll be worth it.

[blue2014]

If you feel able to I would consider meeting with the therapist and the two of you can decide if it's the right time right now.

Very best wishes

[memememe94]

Agree with NN. It's such a case of trial and error with meds. Don't think that because one med hasn't worked that none will. There are so many and work in different ways

I have bipolar so in a different situation, but quetiapine works amazingly well for me, but 300mg was the minimum that worked for me. Im now on 900mg. Would yot be open/able to try an jncreased dose?

[Psion]

Nananina I genuinely don't think I could stand months and months of this. It would just be untenable, I can't bear to think of it. I am clinging on by my fingernails as it is.

I am in my mid 40s with DCs in their early teens. My DH has been amazing and I'm signed off work.

[Psion]

Mememe I would happily take any drug at any dose if it was going to make me feel better. I don't have BPD so the psychiatrist started me off on very low Quetiapine and slowly titrated up. So far all it has done is make me very sleepy/groggy when I wake, but it hasn't touched my anxiety so I can't go back to sleep ever. It's the worst of both worlds. Waking with high anxiety and dread, but too groggy to rationalise or fight it.

[Psion]

Thanks Hanging. Did you feel so desperate that you had suicidal thoughts? I have them, not because I want to be dead, but because I don't know how else toake this nightmare stop.

[hangingoutattheendofmywick]

Well not vivid suicidal intentions - more I just wanted the world to stop, or us all to die of something that wasn't my fault. Or a reason I have to be put into a coma and someone else has to look after everything. That sort of thing. I pray you get some relief soon X

[Psion]

Yes, that sounds familiar. Just wanting everything to stop. Or being put into a coma whilst given ADs via an IV until they became effective.

Thank you for your prayers xxx

[NanaNina]

Psion I'm really sorry I mentioned "months and years" when you're clinging onto life by you finger tips. The thing is I am in my 70s and the older you are the less chance you have of a complete recovery. As a woman in your 40s, there is no comparison between us in terms of recovery, and I should have made that clear. 80% of people make a complete recovery in 4 - 6 months, though may be susceptible to further episodes during their life, or may never experience mental illness again.

The two drugs you mention are not first line treatment for depression, and quetipine is an anti psychotic as I'm sure you know but it sometimes used when nothing else has proved beneficial. The NICE guidelines are to use Citalopram or Sertraline (both SSRIs) I wondering if you could see another GP or ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who can diagnose and treat.

[Psion]

Thank you for reassuring me nananina, it's kind of you. I am just so panicky about everything right now.

The psychiatrist from the Crisis Team prescribed me the Trazadone + Quetiapine. This was after taking just Trazadone for 3.5 weeks with no improvement. But all it has done is make me feel increasingly groggy and drowsy in the mornings, and it hasn't removed the anxiety at all.

My GP did try me with Citalopram a couple of months ago, but after just 5 days I jacked it in because I thought it was making me more anxious. But really I should have given it more time?

My CPN thinks it is high time to change me from Trazadone and is meant to be discussing it with the psychiatrist today. I really hope the psychiatrist agrees because I cannot carry on like this much longer.