Back down again

[BatshitPlayer]

Regular poster but have NCd because I don't want this stuff to out my usual nickname.

Last year I was diagnosed with severe depression- my home was an inhabitable mess, personal hygeine questionable, thought about offing myself on a daily basis. Was on various medication- citalopram, mirtazapene, trazadone and the doses were upped and upped before they would just change me because they werent doing what they should. Medication made me feel like a zombie but took the edge off the suicidal thoughts but not enough to stop them or make me feel ok. After months of waiting for an appointment with CPN I just stopped taking my meds in the hope that Id eventually go back to feeling low enough to actually act on the suicidal thoughts. Ive since started seeing the CPN and this is helping me to make sense of some of the things I think and feel but my mood is just getting progressively worse. I have messed up uni, my standards at home are slipping badly again and I just wish I wasn't here any more. I'm a mediochre mother at best and most days I don't even manage to be that. My friends dont bother with me, family were supportive in the beginning but they just don't get it.
I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.
My depression stops me from functioning properly at home and my anxiety has stopped me turning up for uni and work, everything is such a mess. When I do manage to tackle one or two small things a huge pile of something else appears and just drowns me again.
What's the point?

[HidingI]

Can't offer anything other than to read, but hopefully it helps to have someone do that. I think when it gets so bad, the point doesn't really matter any more. It is just living by the minute, saying/writing it to someone who understands, and then going through the next minute. Just keep getting through those minutes. I'll read.

[BatshitPlayer]

Thanks Hiding, maybe you're right aboht 'the point'. I get so overwhelmed if I think about the future- I really don't see how I'll have the energy to keep going with life for the next 60+ years.

[HidingI]

The future is too big. I'm playing sudoku (app) against the clock to avoid those thoughts. I quite like it as a strategy, though I'm sure a therapist would slam it. The hardest games take 5 - 10 mins but I stick to easy ones when I'm feeling unhinged. You get a few minutes where the point is to beat your previous time.

[BatshitPlayer]

It sounds like a good way of distracting yourself from having shitty thoughts. I'm crap at sudoku, they take me ages to complete but I might try solitaire or something.

Usually I find going for a drive is good- I live in constant fear of unexpected visitors or phonecalls which I get to eacape from if I'm out in the car. Sounds nuts doesn't it?

[HidingI]

Hey, how's today been? Good distractions?

[BatshitPlayer]

Hi! Yesterday was ok, spent most of it with my sister and DS, its good to have some company.
Today isnt so good, Im supposed to have a friend staying tonight but my house is a mess. Im half hoping he cancels and the other half of me will be gutted at missing him.

How are you doing?

[HidingI]

Ha! Wallowing in a messy house trying to get motivated to tidy! I'll do something if you do... 15 minute challenge? Or 10?

[BatshitPlayer]

15 minutes sounds doable! Let's do it!

[HidingI]

Starting 14.03....

[HidingI]

You go ok? I cheated - not exactly tidying, but clearing the fridge and putting the not quite fresh veg into a soup pan....

[BatshitPlayer]

Still productive, well done! I got some clearing out done- managed a full bin bag of clutter in 15 minutes.

I meant to report back earlier but yesterday ended up being a bit manic!

How are you feeling today?