really struggling

[OnceThereWasThisGirlWho]

Thats it really. It all seems hopeless, I have kept trying to convince myself it will be ok and be upbeat for years but it's not working any more. I seem to have found life inherently traumatic, and it keeps going. What I mean is, there's been so many things that hae hurt me and causd a reaction that feels like tight chest, world spinning, shaky... I guess a sort of overwhelmed shock reaction. And these things seem to pop into my had, or exists as an ache inside. But even though I have focussed on "getting better" for the last few years (rather than trying to pretend I was fine, throw myself into things and then crash as happened before) and feel I understand more now, I don't seem to be getting better. In fact I feel a deep grief for what I've lost, as well as the panic etc when I remember certain things or contemplate the future. I'm scared of people, because I find them unpredictable and I seem to get hurt, obviously the more ill I get the more I have to withdraw or face being dumped by people. I just feel like I dont belong in this world, i'm an outcast and unwanted. I'm now so lonely it physically hurts. I'm going to be assessed for ASD, although I'm having to push a lot for that and just don't have the energy (I basically have to write my own referral). For the record, I can rea facial expressions and stuff, actually quite well, but there seems to be some other element of socialising I've not understood - I'm not sure what though. I have tons of aquainatances and can "do" socialising, but only one friend (that said, I am finding it really hard to leave the house and haven't managed to put on my "mask" and socialise at events for a while. Just dont have the energy to plaster a smile on a show up alone and throw myself in - tbh I've always found that hard but used to go to events with people. Also find house parties much easier than gigs and so on). And I don't seem to fit in anywhere - I love MN cos I feel I'm with my own kind... but irl the people who want to have anything to do with me are not people I feel I have stuff in common with... although in the past I've gone with it anyway, enjoyed friendship for what it was, but inevitably it doesn't last or there are issues cos of huge differences. Also many people I was friends with were a bit ... lost. No judgement, but I always felt older than them, stuff like having no career plans or living in filthy studentesque hovel, or smoking drugs daily. But then they grew up, got more sorted, started eating properly/learnt what a hoover was etc - and somehow I got chucked as part of their old life, or something. Or coupling up and socialising exlusively with other couples. I guess I'm perceived as lost and not trying due to being mentally ill... the people who I appear to get on with best, have interesting conversation etc tend to have interesting profesional jobs, children or children on the way etc, so I am "different" plus they don't want or need new friends.

I've lost so much of my life and hopes to MH issues that started in preteen years but didnt have supportive parents and just felt ashamed and had to hide. I've exhausted treatment options and just feel like a freak who should snap out of it. I try so hard every da just to keep going. I am studying part time and sort of thought it'd help me get better and more capable, but instead it just diverts some of my increasingly limited energy. Im glad I'm doing it but it's not helping as such, in fact obviosuly other areas of life suffrer. As I'm only managing the very basics this is shaky ground. I haven't managed to get out of bed today and I have been thinkig about suicide for over a week, but I'm scared of going to hell. I don't want to upset anyone either, but pretty much no-one would really notice. I don't have a family, even though I've always wanted to have children, pregnancy announcements from all and sundry aren't helping. I cant even do donor IUI in future as my MH will prevent it.

[princessbeer]

Hi OP.
Sounds like you're in a horrible place. Sorry to hear that things are like they are for you.
Can I ask you what matters to you? What would be a better place, & what would it feel like & look like?

[OnceThereWasThisGirlWho]

Oh no, sorry, didnt edit that very well. Sorry.

I meant to add, although I understand a lot more now (and really wish someone could have guided me/explained some things to me earlier in life!), there are still so many things that don't add up for me, in terms of how people behave/have behaved. For example, there's things people have done that have really hurt, confused, or frightened me that have been unexpected, don't appear to be fair or make sense, and so on. I'm better at spotting and walking away from abusive men now, but in friendships and other situations things have happened that are to me unexpected and appear out of alignment with what I knew about the person/their views. I feel like I can't stop the past hurting or stop being scared of people until I can understand and have a sensible narrative for these situations (only narrative in brain is that I'm shit and somehow people know I'm not worth treating the same as others and can use me as a scapegoat).

There are also things where people in general seem to act a certain way or hold a certain view, but randomly contradict themselves in a parallel situation. I tend to fall between these cracks... What I mean is, these contradictions don't matter to others, but they are relevent to my life. It matters to me to understand because it informs how I act, and also how I view myself.

The only example I can think of to explain it is this: I saw a GP (this is ages ago) who was very critical and dismissive about my MH issues, confirming the part of my mind that says I'm a waste of space, worthless, malingering etc. Afterwards, I was recommended the same GP by a friend with MH issues, who described him as very supportive, keen to sign him off work a bit to recover etc. Now in this situation, I think the GP is sexist (assuming I'm just a moaning woman whilst male patient is to be taken seriously) and also has a certain viewpoint formed in his position, with his training (and lack of certain training) and experiences, and differences in myself and other guy's situation. So I can come up with a narrative other than "I'm shit and worthless".

But the sort of contradictions that happen in real life are sort of awkward, you're not supposed to bring them up, and of course if you're in the middle of it you don't know how to act, where you may have done something wrong or hold an erroneous viewpoint, or where someone is actually being a dick or taking advantage. In addition, these things always seem to be a sort of mysterious group decision, where of course everyone knows and goes along with the contradictions but it's not clear why.

Another example of how it feels is this: When I was growing up, I had body image issues. I heard/read stuff about how I needed to be "body confident" blah blah, whilst simultaneously hearing/reading stuff about danger of being overweight, how problem was getting worse acrosss the country etc. So I didn't know how to think, feel act, - was I supposed to despise myself, do anything to be thinner? Or reassure myself I was beautiful? Obviously this particular contradition came from different sources, and there' a happy medium focussing on health, not size... I am over that one now.

BUT... it's the same sort of anxious, sick, confused and frightened feeling I have almost all the time now. Am I a waste of space? Am I just ill? Should I reassure my "inner child" and talk to myself kindly, or is that indulging myself and I should kick myself up the backside? I don't know what to think, feel, how to act... I don't know how to be.

Sorry this post is really long, it's the first time i've articulated that. Actually feel a bit better now I've written it out.

[OnceThereWasThisGirlWho]

Bloody hell I just lost 2 hrs typing that post... tends to happen when I get thinking. x-posted.
A better place... well for now, certainty about how I should think/feel... someone to talk to about all this who understands (this seems to be hard to find). And most of all, friends.

In the longer term, an bility to hold down a job, a partner and children.

[princessbeer]

Have you accessed counselling OP? (Sorry if I missed that in your post)
How do you spend your days?
Are you working?

[OnceThereWasThisGirlWho]

I spend my days doing normal stuff that seems to take much longer than it should... I have a clean and tidy flat which I sort of teach myself DIY in (relaxed landlord), do coursework, I have pets (2 houserabbits) and a small garden where I grow veg. Often, though, I seem to lose hours just... coping. Or distracting myself when the feelings are too bad. I've felt in crisis all day today, actually the knot in my chest is so strong my whole torse is getting pains and digestive pains etc. I almost feel the world is spinning. I've just heard some news that has me reeling and all sorts of complicated feelings I cant share. I really need to speak to someone. Is the samaritnas allowed for that? is there anywhwre else?

[princessbeer]

Of course you can call the Samaritans. They are amazing.

[princessbeer]

I think they're amazing - that's just IMHO
Hope you're feeling bit better today OP