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So scared of the future...

(3 Posts)
TheGhostOfBarryFairbrother Tue 17-May-16 22:25:11

Hello :

I've had a really hard year, spent five of the last twelve months as an inpatient and another four as a day patient. Diagnosed originally as bipolar with rapid cycling but diagnosis changed to schizo-affective disorder after I had a couple of very scary psychotic episodes without symptoms of mania.

I'm on a lot of medication and on one hand it's changed my life by making the voices quieter, reduced the mood swings, stopped me self harming etc. But it drains me. I feel slow and sleepy all the time and I worry that it's always going to be like this. The psych team don't want to reduce medication as I am "more stable" but I am so scared for the future.

I'm supposed to be restarting my PhD in September albeit from home and still attending the day hospital at least once a week but I'm terrified of not coping. It's like I've been so ill in the last year that it's only now that I can start worrying about the day to day reality of living with this.

I don't want to live like this but I don't want to be ill either. I feel so useless. Everyone tells me that it takes time but I don't have time. I'm stuck back living with my parents. Last week I was supposed to go to see a friend a train ride away but I got so stressed that I cancelled. I few so pathetic, a few years ago I was living alone abroad and now I am completely dependant on my parents.

I'm just so scared of the uncertainty and feel like my life is slipping away. This all brings back the suicidal thoughts in that I wonder whether I want to continue if it's going to be like this.

Sorry for the rant...

ProfessorPreciseaBug Wed 18-May-16 08:58:13

Rant away my friend...

I can't advise on the future, (If I could I would be very very rich), but everyone deserves a voice and to be heard.

The think about being unwell, even wi something simple like flu, is that whilst you are unwell, you never believe that you will ever feel OK again ever in your life..

This too will pass.

AliceScarlett Sat 21-May-16 11:20:46

I was in patient 2 years ago and I'm still my way away from it. I know it's frustrating but it does take time and the future ia scary. Do you have supportive care/people around you?

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