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Is anyone there?

(10 Posts)
MarvinGorilla Mon 09-May-16 17:29:53

I feel very low today. Long, long history of MH problems (20 years of self harm, chronic anxiety, psychotic episodes, depression). I'm currently on 20mg escitalopram and beta blockers.

I feel so so low today. I feel like a piece of shit who should cease to exist. I cut myself sometimes. My dh and ds seem to love me but I'm easily replaced by any other person. Please don't think I am saying this because I want reassurance. I'm in pain with how I feel and need to get it out.

I am 5 foot 4 and 8 stone 10 and terrified that I am too big. I feel guilty every time I eat something and spend ages looking at my body in the mirror.

I haven't achieved anything with my life. Just one big struggle and failure.

I never feel well. I have aches and pains and extreme tiredness.

I feel guilty a hundred times a day. I am so self aware that I worry that everything that comes out of my mouth is nonsense and every little thing I do is stupid and annoying.

I never feel 'with it' and often feel surreal and like I am living in my head.

I don't know what I am hoping to achieve in posting, just a listening ear I suppose, from someone unconnected to me irl.

Is anyone here?

LostPlatypus Mon 09-May-16 17:42:58

I'm here with a hand to hold. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. You are NOT easily replaced, however much it may seem that way. Your DH and DS love you for who you are. I know it's not easy to feel that though, and I do understand your pain. flowers

You have achieved at least one thing: you have a beautiful DS. I'd say that was a huge achievement.

I have similar anxieties re saying things, and I'm already worrying that what I'm saying won't come across in the right way, but I wanted to say something because I want you to know that you're not alone.

TailsUp Mon 09-May-16 18:00:53

Sorry you're feeling low today. It's really hard to try and think positively when you're in the grip of feeling down.

Your husband and son love you. That love is previous. You are the only mum your son will ever have; you are irreplaceable to him.

You are not big at all. Having a family is more important and more of an achievement than a high powered job or so forth so you have achieved in your life.

I know how hard it is and hope tomorrow is a bit brighter. X

dairymoomoo Mon 09-May-16 18:10:59

I found it normal to have aches and pains while I had anxiety. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. When I feel anxious I throw myself into something, anything to keep myself busy! I took up knitting, learnt on you tube. Bought some large needles so you need fewer stitches. Watch favourite programmes that cheer me up. Tell yourself tomorrow will be better, I find it usually is. You dh and ds love you very much, that just proves what a lovely person you are. brewflowers
Btw, you sound exactly the same weight as me. You sound fine! X

Orchidflower1 Mon 09-May-16 21:49:59

Hey marvin- don't give up- you are loved by your family and your ds has only one mummy. Sending a big hug.

Have you had any cbt/ therapy ? Would it be something you would consider.

I agree with dairy moo- have you an activity to help you pass the time until the intense feelings start to ease? I too have started knitting and just beginning to crochet too.

I'm sure you look beautiful - I'm the same height as you and wish I weighed that too- sadly a LOT more! 💐💐💐💐💐

MarvinGorilla Mon 09-May-16 22:42:51

Orchidflower- I love to do yoga which is v good for my anxiety but my body pains recently have stopped me doing it. I was thinking about trying knitting actually, and I am interested in a local aromatherapy day course. I have just started some cbt, I have had it before but that was a long time ago.

I grew up in a verbally and sometimes physically abusive household and I have never got over being told how useless and pathetic I was daily. And I'm nearly 40. I feel so upset and frustrated.

Thank you to everyone who is talking to me today, it's been good for me to talk to you all.

dairymoomoo Tue 10-May-16 08:53:16

How are you feeling today op?

Orchidflower1 Tue 10-May-16 09:41:51

Hey op aromatherapy sounds interesting- I love a bit of lavender! How are you doing this morning ? 🌷

MarvinGorilla Tue 10-May-16 11:23:19

Hello, not as bad as yesterday thank you, I took myself for a mooch around a bookshop this morning and am now sitting with a hot water bottle with some ylang ylang oil burning. I feel like I could easily be upset or have a panic attack but I'm trying to take the day slow and easy. Dh is here as well at the moment as he isn't going to work til later.

Orchidflower1 Tue 10-May-16 14:17:47

Well done for taking yourself out. Glad you are having a better day. 😀

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