What to do?

[LadyIncuntliaButtock]

Bottom line: MH not great, sexually abused as child, a sociopathic drug-addict with anorexia and border line personality disorder.

Three days ago, i lost out on chance of a promotion because other candidate's old boss was on panel and coached him a few hours before. I have tons of experience and treated it like a comptency-based interview, was in for an hour. Other candidate comes out after fifteen minutes with the job - no experience, though. I was called back in to be told I should possibly look at another career!

I had to drive along a busy stretch of motorway in tears to get home. Feel emotionally dead inside, like a failure and need constant distraction because I feel I'm alternating between mania and dysthymia. Went out for a drive tonight, laughed hysterically and felt like cutting my throat or stabbing myself. I couldn't do it because I'm a coward, and it would devastate my mum. The new job was the only way I can afford to keep my car and have money left over. My emotions swell and rage before I feel empty. In the dark silence of night, my macabre thoughts are most intense and I laugh or cry, or sometimes both.

I terrified of hospitals and compulsory treatment orders. I see my future as living in penury, a complete fraud with no real feelings for anyone but myself.

[ButEmilylovedhim]

So sorry to hear how you're feeling. The job situation sounds beyond unfair. Is there anyone you can tell about that to complain? I don't really know how it all would work.

Please stay safe. Everything looks worse at night. Can you put some tele on? Any old comedies you like as comfort and distraction? That's what I do when I feel low. Remember the samaritans are there 24 hours a day and they will just listen. You are not a failure lovey, please remember that. You've done so well to have a career. Things have taken a downturn because of someone else's actions but none of it is your fault. Sending you a virtual hug, hope you don't mind :) take care and