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I just had a sudden realisation that I don't have much to life for

(49 Posts)

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FlowersAndShit Thu 05-May-16 18:57:43

I'm not looking for advice, this is mostly just a venting post, because life is shit and unfair.

I'm only 25 but feel like i've missed the boat and will forever be playing catch up. I've missed out on all my important years because of my depression, anxiety, autism, agoraphobia etc.

I haven't had a single friend since I was 13 and life has been pretty shit throughout. I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was 16, and by then I was too fucked up for the diagnosis to be of much use. Also traumatised by 4 overdoses due to school refusal and being forced by my mother and the authorities to go to school. My mother knew I hated being left alone anywhere and didn't know what to do with me, so the last time I took an overdose at 14 she left me on my own overnight at the hospital as 'punishment'. I still hate her for that. I have a good realtionship with her otherwise as she's all I have.

I left school with nothing and have done a degree with the OU. But now i'm 25 and want so badly to meet someone decent and have children, but I realise i'm being unrealistic because I can't imagine anyone appreciating or loving me considering my issues. I've seen many therapist/psychaitrists but it hasn't worked. I'm also a virgin and somewhat fear intimacy due to feelings of shame but I don't know why. All of these obstacles combined makes me realise that this mountain is way too complex to overcome and I just want to sit and cry. Life will be a constant struggle for me (I don't mean normal everyday struggles) and I can't see myself ever being content and happy, fulfilled and accomplished.

It dawned on me today, whilst planting some flowers at my mothers house, that I really don't have a lot to live for. I'll unlikely ever have a relationship or have children (I have gyne issues), I have never had a job as I couldn't cope with one so I'll never be able to buy a house, or anything else. I'm socially awkward and boring/introverted so people ignore me because I may as well be invisible as I don't talk much.

I don't have any family apart from my mother, my dad (who is sometimes emotionally abusive) and my brother who i'm NC with because he's verbally abusive to me.

I fear when my mother is no longer around (she's 53) because I'd have nobody. Literally, i'd have noone. That scares the shit out of me and I would probably end up taking my life.

I still feel that I have a lot of love to give, and that I could give that to a child. I want to be a mother soon otherwise I will completely give up and become too jaded and bitter. However, the above issues mean that I'm considering using a sperm donor, but I then realise that they'll have hardly any family either, and that their lack of father is because of my issues, and my child will probably end up hating me.

Thanks for listening

PotteringAlong Thu 05-May-16 19:02:05

1) at 14 you mum might not have been able to stay overnight. My parents definitely didn't stay overnight with me when I was in hospital for a week at a similar age.

2) people with autism do hold down jobs. Why do you think you might not be able to?

3) I was 27 when I met my husband. Plenty of people don't meet partners until a lot older than 25. It doesn't seem like it now, but in 15 years you'll look back and realise how young you are right now.

4) what do you enjoy? Any hobbies or clubs where you could meet like minded people?

whois Thu 05-May-16 19:07:33

I'm not sure what you hope to gain from this thread that hasn't already been said in the previous threads - but I sincerely hope that with the right combination of medication and therapy you can move forward and live a happier life.

pearlylum Thu 05-May-16 19:08:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vaara Thu 05-May-16 19:10:58

^^ dreadful post

Destinysdaughter Thu 05-May-16 19:11:06

Oh love you sound really down. Yes you have been dealt a difficult hand but there's still things you could do to give you enjoyment and fulfilment. You say you won't be able to get a job. Is there some voluntary work you might enjoy that would give you confidence, skills and a social life? As well as a reference and the possibility of getting a job through that. You're obviously bright enough to get a degree so I'm sure you do have a lot to offer!

Re having children, there are lots of children who need a loving home, what about fostering?

I think you need some objectivity to help you see that you do have a lot to offer and a lot to live for!

Hugs to you.

whois Thu 05-May-16 19:14:58

Perhaps you could judge people a little less? I remember you from the breastfeeding in public thread- downright nasty.

OP isn't exactly posting rational and calm thoughts, she needs to access professional help.

whois Thu 05-May-16 19:15:42

Re having children, there are lots of children who need a loving home, what about fostering?

Read her threads. She is in no place right now to foster. Needs to concentrate on herself first before anyone else.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 05-May-16 19:15:55

I think you need to stop defining yourself by what has happened in the past and get on with life and do what you want.

Get a part time job, meet some new people, see where it takes you when the ball is rolling.

If you're busy you don't have time to dwell.

crankyblob Thu 05-May-16 19:20:41

Flowers I don't think MN AIBU is the place for you.

Please re-read your previous threads as you have received some wonderful advice on there. Only when you start taking these steps will things get better.

SalemSaberhagen Thu 05-May-16 19:26:12

You've received great advice on these threads before which you ignore. What else do you want people to say? I'm so sorry that you feel like this though.

(And it isn't relevant, but pp is right. OP was awful on the breastfeeding thread, and the thread about the man with the ASD wife whose C Section date had been changed.)

ghostyslovesheep Thu 05-May-16 19:31:28

and the vegetarian thread

OP you have had lots of really good advice and support - you need to start listening and doing some of it

You could start by not deciding to bin your meds and consider some voluntary work to get you back into things

Good luck

pearlylum Thu 05-May-16 19:32:18

You see I think it is relevant.

If you go about your life being angry with people, being critical, having a go, then it's no wonder that you will find no kindness or friends will come your way.

In order to have nice things happen to us then we have to put out.
The people who are happiest are usually the ones who are kind to others.

OP try to think of yourself less and others a little more. I agree with the ideas about volunteering, you may find that if you find a little charity for others your life starts to get easier.

supersop60 Thu 05-May-16 19:37:02

Good advice on here - take it! Good luck.

Floggingmolly Thu 05-May-16 19:40:20

Sort your life out, get a job, a social life, etc etc, before you're even approaching being in a place to have children.
As has been said hundreds of times on practically every thread you start.

Cassimin Thu 05-May-16 19:49:19

I'm another one suggesting voluntary work. It will get you out and about meeting others.
You are still really young.
My niece was in a bad relationship for years, going nowhere. Her partner finished it and she was devastated.
Just over 2 years later, at the age of 39 she is married with a new baby.
You never know whats round the corner, never give up hope.

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat Thu 05-May-16 19:52:48

Once again I knew this would be you. Are you receiving help from Health Care professionals? I ask because you sound in a bad place right now - I'm tempted to say again - but you don't seem to want to address your issues using the abundance of excellent and empathetic advice you get on these threads. Is there a reason for that?

realitybitescake Thu 05-May-16 19:53:28

I haven't read your other threads. If they were negative, well, maybe you were feeling very down and took it out the wrong way.
Yes, ASD is really shit. Also, the anxiety and depression that comes with it is also shit. It makes everything SO HARD - BUT - you are not alone. You really need to join some adult ASD support groups whether in your community or on facebook or whatever to provide some support. Hopefully from there you can find out some good information on things you can do to improve your life. You're better off now than people were 30 years ago as you can at least reach out online. If you have specific diagnoses you need to reach out to those communities.
Also - good for you for gardening. Your plants can be your children, to watch and nurture -- why do you think so many people like gardening? Best of luck!

memyselfandaye Thu 05-May-16 20:06:53

You keep getting the same advice, every single time, don't you think that at some point you will have to get off your arse and do something?

You want babies and prince charming but won't leave the house and try and meet people.

You want to own a home but wont even attempt to find work.

A sperm donor is the last thing you need, children are expensive and demanding.

You really need to sort yourself out, as you have been told many many times, you aren't going to find the perfect life sitting on the couch.

PresidentOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 05-May-16 20:18:29

Hi there OP
The poster above who said that AIBU isn't the right place for this thread is right - we'll move it shortly.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org.

You say you're not looking for advice but that's the one thing that MN is excellent at - allowing a place to vent but also the unbiased opinions of others.

While support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.
Peace and love
MNHQ

Errata Thu 05-May-16 20:31:34

Flowers, you say the same thing every time you post, and you always get the same very good advice and post again in identical terms. I didn't even have to look at your name. Please get professional help. Mumsnet can't give you what you obviously need.

FlowersAndShit Thu 05-May-16 21:00:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pearlylum Thu 05-May-16 21:06:09

hmm

WhoseBadgerIsThis Thu 05-May-16 21:08:56

Oh sweetie - hugs! You know what - go ahead and look into having a kid via sperm donation: having a small family isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just as likely your child will enjoy the close bond between you and love you for it. As to making friends, I would advise finding a geeky hobby that can be done online (via facebook groups for example) and see how you get on. All that stuff about going along to local classes to meet people never worked for me, but I found an online group and suddenly met loads of people. And you can always chat here and people will reply!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 05-May-16 21:13:20

Flowers... with the best possible intentions- your attitude is not wonderful on here and if this is how you present yourself in public then you will have issues achieving what you want.

The 'fighting back' is a defense mechanism when you feel uncomfortable. That is good and normal but you need to recognise your own patterns of behaviour and identify where you can improve.

There is so much kindness and empathy directed at you- and in a kind and empathetic manner I really want you to take stock of what you actually do compared to what you think you do.

I think I could have easily been in the same position as you are now. In fact I was incredibly lonely at one point but I had to work on myself. I fucked it up a few times, but an anxiety group once every two weeks isn't enough. You can, and should do more. You owe it to yourself to be happy but you're the only person who can help you achieve this.

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