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Husband fed up of my issues

(48 Posts)
Orchidflower1 Sun 01-May-16 19:50:50

I've had anxiety at a semi manageable level for a long time. Dh was aware of this and has been patient over the 18.5 years we've been a couple. Recently - last 5 weeks or so anxiety has been terrible. Struggling to leave the house. Have tried anti depressants but made it even worse. Gp has referred for cbt but whilst I'm waiting, paid to see a councillor for first time last week. Have been trying really hard to put into place things she suggested. Earlier in the week I said to dh and chn that we would go to park / woods as family today and then maybe for lunch. When it came to it I just didn't feel up to it- this time last week I was barely leAving my bed do maybe s rather high goal. The point is dh was fuming that we didn't go out saying he's fed up of me being odd and he is going to do what he wants etc etc. he has said stuff like this in the past - saying he feels trapped etc but then says he is just cross and wouldn't leave. I have tried really hard over the last few days to battle the anxiety. Have got up, dressed - made meals, laundry ok not mum of the year material but much more than a week ago. I feel like my dh is expecting miracles but I'm just not ready. What shall I do? Sorry for a long post. I'm embarrassed and ashamed I'm letting my family down.

NanaNina Sun 01-May-16 23:17:08

Have you any idea why your anxiety took a nose dive 5 weeks ago? How long did you take the meds for - maybe you gave them up too soon, and you may need to dose increasing or a change of med. I think it's great you are seeing a counsellor - presumably you are having to pay.

Re DH - well he's being an arse isn't he - anxiety is a mental illness but like so many other mental illnesses it's invisible so people don't understand. DH can expect miracles but you can't deliver and you need to tell him that. Mental illness makes us embarrassed and ashamed (that's one of the worst things about it) and we feel we're letting people down. We don't feel like that with a physical illness, as if the MH stuff isn't enough to cope with - we don't need anything else.

Maybe see the GP again - what did he/she prescribe. Propanol is good for anxiety. My GP prescribed diazepam which works well for anxiety but with me it's depression not anxiety so I don't bother taking them. Set yourself small goals that are "do-able" - the one you set today was a bridge too far.

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 08:16:05

I started a new job which I think was too much for me- I was ill and inside and the anxiety took over.

Things are worse today- he is so cross and fed up. He says he's done everything he can to help me. I'm so sad and scared. Is there anyone there? X

wowbutter Mon 02-May-16 08:30:28

I am here.
This is an ongoing fear of mine, as I suffer from anxiety toô.
My DH is an amazing man, endlessly patient and supportive. We have been together nearly seven years, so not as long as you.
I think your DH is being unfair, if you had cancer, he wouldn't be trying to force you out, he would be celebrating each little managed.
Can you describe it to him like that?
Anxiety isn't a choice, it's painful, intrusive and unpleasant to say the least.

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 09:02:11

Thanks for responding , he has gone out to work this morning, slamming everything around ( pots/ keys etc) kissed and said bye to kids and ignored me.,I've done breakfast for kids and came back to bed to try and calm down - it scares kids if I get panicy. Why does he promise to always love me / look after me but then say he's inches away from going? I whats apped him to say his anger isn't helping my anxiety.

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 11:19:55

Sorry everyone it's still me- he answered the phone - had short chat about where he was at the end I said " bye love you - like I always do" he just said" talk to you later".
Feel so stressed, anxious and lonely. Struggled down stairs to put some washing on but felt shaky - just keep telling myself it's only anxiety. Got some Diazapam from doc after anti d made me sick. Had some already today. Any suggestions anyone?

memememe94 Mon 02-May-16 13:22:00

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Your DH is not being fair.

I would also suggest giving the ADs another go. IME, they make things worse before better. The first one might not work, either. I'm afraid it's a case of trial and error when it comes to psych meds, but when you find one that works for you it can turn your life around. Onviously that's alongside therapy etc.

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 13:33:11

Thanks for responding - I'm going to call the doc tom as I can't live like this. Dc are keeping me going at mo. Feel physically sick, Anxious and panicky- he ( dh) just shouted up the stairs should he move out which resulted in dd crying and shouting at him. She has sats coming up and is being so grown up looking after me. I'm so sadsad

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 02-May-16 13:43:35

You are not managing your anxiety and it is hard on your dh and children. I know it is 100 x harder on you, but please try and give him a little leeway. For today just give him a wide berth and try not to catastrophise about the future (easier said than done, I know).

How did the counselling session go?

You can try other medications, until you find one that suits you better. So, yes go back to the GP and explain that you are really really struggling.

There is a great charity out there who provide telephone support and friendship from people who have overcome anxiety. I will try and find it for you ...

Also, I would recommend this book to all anxiety sufferers self help book

ImperialBlether Mon 02-May-16 13:45:46

I'm really sorry you're so unwell.

Please try not to be too hard on your husband. When you live with someone who's depressed or anxious it takes over your own life too and it's very hard not to be frustrated and unhappy. A lot of people who live with depressed people end up on ADs themselves.

Lunar1 Mon 02-May-16 13:52:34

I think posters saying he is an arse are a bit unfair. There is no question that your condition is having a real impact on you but he has been through it with you for almost 20 years, it's not surprising it gets to him too some times. He's probably just struggling too right now.

He's still there all these years later, he loves you and probably struggles that he can't help you. I hope this episode passes quickly and you can both get back to normal.

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 02-May-16 13:55:35

here is a link to the charity I mentioned

I would also google breathing techniques for anxiety if you have time today. They really do work, I promise!

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 13:58:09

Thanks for the support- I think dh is at the end of his teather- his is because of me, mine cos of anxiety. I've ordered the book bibbi- should come tom. Hoping he hangs in there with me. Mil thinks he does too much - he told me that today xx

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 15:12:03

Hi im back- sorry to keep posting but mn, Diazapam and my dc are getting me thro the day. Dh said I need to help myself- am trying- dd and I took dog out. Ok was only 500yards up the road and back but further than I've been in weeks on foot. Dh called me waynetta slob as I look not like my normal self- put on a bit of weight recently. He says he is going to carry on with his life as he is sick of waiting me for me to get better ( in full earshot of dc) - he then said I better hope he doesn't find someone else ( dd didn't hear this but asked and I said don't worry) . How can this man I adore be like this - I know he's been fed up recently but only last week after the first councilor app he said he was proud of me for going and he would always love me and never leave me. Any help please sadsadsad

StarsAligning Mon 02-May-16 15:21:51

He is not fair to you by slagging you off and even worse in front of the kids. That's just not on. You can't feel in control at all, can you?

My dh has mh issues, which we have lived with for 16 years. I have depression, on ads for about 7 years. I'm sorry to say that I'm at the end of my tether. It really grinds you down, and I know it worse for the sufferer. I have been telling him for years that he is unable to work, but he still insists on doing it, doesn't want to admit it. But I've told him I ve had enough. He says he's going to jack work in, not financially viable really but I can't take anymore. I think it's too late anyway.

Is there a possibility you can stop work? Then get your anxiety under control and go from there.

HermioneWeasley Mon 02-May-16 15:28:58

Ok, I had some sympathy with him until your last post. Living with people with mental health problems is hard, sometimes I think as hard on their loved ones as they don't have any control. But calling you waynetta Slob and saying you'd better hope he doesn't find someone else is just cruel

GooodMythicalMorning Mon 02-May-16 15:32:31

Maybe try some different anti d's? In my experience they do make you feel sick whilst your body adjusts to them but then it passes after a few weeks and you gradually feel a bit better.

Emptynestx2 Mon 02-May-16 15:55:28

I think you need to chat to the dr again about how you feel, he is being cruel to you but it sounds as though he's struggling too. That's no excuse for name calling and nasty threats though.mwell done for going to,the counselling and managing to,take the dog for a walk, small steps is they way. Be kind to yourself x

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 16:09:35

Thanks for the advice ladies. Just been downstairs and made dh a coffee- he says I've had 7 weeks to get better( the amount of time I've been off work). I was given fluoxetine midway through this time but made anxiety worse and upset tummy- it was doc who said come off in the end. Dh is cross cos I said we would go out and we haven't cos I'm not up to it. I feel like he is struggling and I appreciate how hard it is but he is being so cold and mean. We had booked a mini break for next weekend- ages ago only a cheapo thing but I told him this morning I didn't feel able to go away ( how can I when I'm too scared to go to end of the road on my own?!). I thought it better to say now rather than last minute. He is cross about that too - says I've let him down twice and that he was pleased last week but that was cos I was making progress. I've booked online for Dr to call be back tom as I know I won't get app and I can't do sit and wait app at the mo. My dd is sad now as she's seen me cry. Feel terrible for her. sad

GooodMythicalMorning Mon 02-May-16 17:24:03

Seven weeks is nothing in mental health terms. Its not something that will disappear over night. He has to be a bit more supportive. I had cbt for six months before I could start work again.

IonaNE Mon 02-May-16 17:50:18

OP what are you anxious about? Why are you scared to go up the road on your own? I hope the gp can offer some different ADs as the situation clearly seems to wear you and your dh down. I am sorry to hear you (both) are going through this - I think he deserves some leeway.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup Mon 02-May-16 18:02:34

There are loads of other anti Ds you can try. Im currently on Duloxetine for anxiety and pain and so far its the best one ive been on. Tried citalopram, sertraline and got to kax doses quickly with not much effect. I hated fluoxetine as it made me numb with emotion and paranoid, but tjats just me. Dontforget you do have to tale things for a while to get them to settle in your body and for them to have full effect. Good luck flowers oh and sod your DH get better for yourself and kids.

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 18:18:06

Hey ionane - I've become almost agoraphobic over the last few weeks. I've was barely leaving my bedroom but am now cooking, doing laundry and trying to interact with chn as much as possible. Really pleased with self yesterday morning as went down to bottom of the garden, hung out full load of washing and watered plants in greenhouse. Doesn't sound much to some I know but I was pleased. I'm frightened of feeling frightened and feeling faint / dizzy etc. As you can see my dh has put up with a lot but I just feel like he is giving up on me and our family when I know I will get better-it's just going to take time. He has done a lot but doesn't want any help- I've asked a couple of people to pick the kids up from school before and he was annoyed. My beautiful chn are worth getting better for. I adore my husband and I always will- just wish he would be a bit more patient- am I being unreasonable ? X

gamerchick Mon 02-May-16 18:40:07

Personally I think beta blockers will be a huge help. I don't understand why you haven't been offered them. They take away the shaky, washing machine stomach feeling.

I can understand why your husbands fed up, making plans and then cancelling them is incredibly frustrating for those living with someone who's anxious.. Really you should not offer at all if there's a chance you'll blow off. In that way I would say you're unreasonable.

I think go back to your GP ask for betablockers to stop the adrenalin feeling and take it from there. You need time to heal but your husband isn't a prick for having enough of it all. All you can do is ask him for time and hope he finds patience.

Orchidflower1 Mon 02-May-16 18:44:59

Thanks for your reply gamer chick- I tried beta blockers before the fluoxetine but they lowered my blood pressure too much. I am just hoping and praying that dh doesn't give up on me sad

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