Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
Can't get over what my husband did(5 Posts)
Last year I left my husband as I was very unhappy and had been for years. We were verbally abusive on both sides, but the last straw was when he called me stupid and lazy whilst my boys sat beside me. He is a successful entrepreneur and I was so angry that I made a claim on money from his business. I wasn't thinking straight. I had no idea how much money he had. But he had one 'entrepreneur of the year' and 'best performing business' in successive years. I thought he had a lot of money and I was so angry with the way he had spoken to me and treated me over the years ( he was so angry at me one time, he beat me badly and fractured my ribs) Point is, when I left I made a claim for a very large sum of money. My head was all over the place and I thought 'why should I live on benefits for the time being and not be able to take my kids anywhere when he can give them everything?' After I left I would turn up at the school with the intention to collect them, take them home, make them dinner and do homework - then leave after they went to bed to avoid conflict. But in the first few days my husband turned up and took them away. He said my youngest had a dental appointment and I said I'd come too as his teeth were in a bad state. But he said no and drove off with them. Turned out there was no dental appointment and he took them to buy toys. I stood crying with some mums from the school as he drove them away. He continued to do this every day. When I went back to collect my things that Sunday, he said I couldn't come in nor see my children. I calmly said I wanted to see them and went upstairs. As I packed a few things he left with the boys and around an hour later he returned with the police. They said an order had been made saying I was not allowed to return to the house. I hadn't been informed as my lawyer had not yet received it. I was led away in tears and driven away by the police in full view of the neighbours. I asked my husband how he could do this and he just looked the other way and said nothing. Over the weeks I begged to see and talk to the boys. He refused. He wouldn't even grant me a ten minute call on Mothers Day. I bought special glasses to view the eclipse and asked that we all watch it together - he ignored me. Finally an order came through stating I couldn't see them anymore except for 3 hours a week 'supervised by his parents' I would turn up on time, bring them gifts and do my best to hold back my tears and make everything seem 'normal' On the first visit my normally unaffectionate older son sat on my lap and my youngest wanted on too. But before the next visits he would tell me they were scared of me and I shouldn't come. One time I turned up anyway and there was no trace of any fear.
I cried every day for my kids. My husband had lied and there was nothing I could do - it would be months before the courts would here my case. I asked every day to see my boys - I admit I bombarded my husband some days. He said to stop or he would deal with it via his solicitor. I sent a few more messages and then, that Sunday, the police arrived at my parents house. They said he had made a formal statement and detained me. My husband lied and said I had threatened to have him beaten up. He also said I had chased him up the street screaming at him, but in fact I calmly walked away from him when he started to shout at me. I tried to obtain CCTV footage to show this was the case but it had been erased by this time. At the police station I said yes, I had sent a good number of messages and emails but that they were always polite and I was only begging him to let me see my children. The police acknowledge this but said that due to the volume of requests I was under arrest. I was handcuffed and put in a cell for two days. My father requested that I be put on suicide watch.
After that I was scared to request to see them again - and my husband had already said they never ask about me anymore. In all, I saw my precious boys for 8 hours in 5 months. At a child welfare hearing I was told I would see them for two hours a week in a depressing contact centre and even that would take a few months to organise. I arrived at the court with a bulging folder with almost 30 character references from friends -some of whos kids I had babysat frequently. They were police officers, a friend who worked on a childrens panel, many 'pillars of the community' . I printed out letters to the judge which took me hours to write. I included photos of many good times with them, plus the room I had spent hundreds of pounds on at my parents house to create a good environment for them when they came to stay. The judge wouldn't look at anything.
I was crushed and also would face trial the following week for 'stalking' my husband because I begged to see my children. Having been told they didn't ask about me anymore and knowing I would see them a few hours a week I didn't want to go on. I cut my wrist and was hospitalised. My husband did not know about this.
One week later - after the stalking trial - I received a coded message from him asking to talk. Knowing I was not allowed to contact him I ignored it. I believed he was trying to trap me. He then sent a friend request on facebook but quickly deleted it. Over the next few days I received a number of withheld calls. I answered once but then quickly hung up when he said it was him. I was terrified of being arrested again.
After I realised he wasn't going to do this I spoke to him. I was in bits. He asked to see me and said I could see the boys again. When we met he cried and kept trying to touch my hand but I wouldn't let him. He said he was so sorry and was angry that I left him and wouldn't go back to him. I knew that he had refused to let me see the boys because I had made a claim on his money and he was punishing me.
I did however get back with him, but he took screen shots of images of my cut wrist and sent them to his phone. He also told his Dad what happened who said 'let her dig her own grave'. He kept hassling me to sign a post-nup surrendering my rights to anything off financial value. However at the same time, he continued to apologise and did treat me like a princess - taking me for meals, taking us on holiday 4 times within 5 months.
I found it difficult to make love with him after a while, because the memory of the pain I caused made it difficult to be touched sometimes. But I bought lots of lingerie to please him. Sometimes I would tell him to 'get it somewhere else'. I was just so angry about what he had done. Unfortunately I found out that he DID get it elsewhere - with a Russian woman he had sex with in his office. He also took her to dinner, slept beside her in a room he'd set up in his office and took her for breakfast the next day. He admitted this after I found a text to another woman whom he told was 'cute and smart - his ideal type. He said he could have talked to her all night and when she suggested meeting at 4;30 one afternoon, he said 'can you make it 4? I can't wait to see you'
Some days I'm ok, others I'm not. On the bad days it's hard to get out of bed - and I drink too much at night. I have been no angel over the years, but I never thought my husband could be capable of any of this. He now says he know's how much I love my boys, but some days I can't move on. I'm so grateful to have my kids back but It's such a struggle - with the memory of not seeing them, being jailed and now being cheated on. There are days when I just want to end it all.
I don't know who to talk to. My parents were abusive to me in the end - my dad hit and strangled me because he said he was sick of hearing about my troubles and I needed to develop a thicker skin. I'm embarresed to talk to friends as I got back with him when they knew what he did to me. I prefer the anonymous advice from folk on here.
Can anyone help? I'm lost these days x
Didn't want to read and run.
I can't offer any practical advice but I'm listening and think your husband's behaviour has been disgusting.
Your love for your boys shines through and whatever happens, you have to stay strong for them.
Thanks I appreciate that. They keep me going, but some days it's too much and I'm not as attentive as I should be
I'm not surprised you feel depressed with all that going on. It might be worth posting in Relationships for advice, as there's more traffic there and some of the posters may have experience with similar issues.
Agree with posting on relationships, can you talk to your GP about counselling or self refer? It might do you good to talk to someone else in person
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.