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Please help me feel better

(7 Posts)
poppyseedbagel Fri 22-Apr-16 16:42:41

It's been a hell of a week. I hope if I write it all down I might feel better, but I have spent the last two days feeling sick to my stomach, constantly on the verge of tears, unable to sleep and very anxious. I just want to feel better.

I got my period this week, which in itself makes me feel pretty crappy. But this has been another month of not being successful in conceiving, we have been trying 16 months. I also found out through the grapevine that a friend is expecting, and while I am desperate to be pleased for her, I am very angry and bitter. This is a woman who I opened up to about our difficulties, and she shared in return about how herself and her partner were also unable to conceive their third baby. It then conspired that they had been trying for three months, and I felt like she was completely minimising our issues by comparing our situations as the same hmm Low and behold, she now is having her baby and she had no issues after all.

I also had my appraisal/annual performance review in work. And overall it was positive, but I can't let go of the [fairly minor] negative points which were brought up. I was also taking the opportunity during the meeting to advise my manager on the infertility issues as it is getting to the stage in our treatment where appointments will be more regular, and my workplace is pretty inflexible for getting time off without giving plenty notice, which I am not sure I will always be able to. I had been so nervous about having to discuss this, that I could not engage or focus on my review, and I think I came across as uninterested. When I did mention the infertility issues, my manager only seemed focused on the effect this would have on the work place and asked about how much notice I should get for appointments. When I advised that it did vary on depending on what it was for, it was just very awkward. For other managers, I can expect that type of response, but this is a woman who I have worked closely with for over 4 years, who came to my wedding, we chat about personal lives and we have things in common. To be honest, I felt pretty shit after disclosing something so huge in my life without any sort of concern for the effect it is having on me.

On top of all this, I have a DH who also seems to not care. I am not the best at talking about things when I an feeling anxious, but I recognise that I change. I am not the talkative, cheerful person I usually am. But every night this week when I have been home from work, he has not been trying to start conversation or asking how I am. He's been preoccupied with playing computer games, like he usually is.

I just feel pretty shit. I have no motivation to do the things that usually make me feel happy. I thought I would feel better having got through the week, and having the weekend to look forward to. But even that is filling me with dread. I have arranged to meet with a friend tomorrow to take my mind off things, but when I think about it now, I think I will have a few drinks and completely break down, as that is my mindset at the moment. I want to go and have a nice time. I want to feel better.

poppyseedbagel Sat 23-Apr-16 08:42:43

Bumping in the hope someone might be around to offer any good advice.

scribbles1980 Sat 23-Apr-16 11:04:07

Hello poppy I read your thread earlier & really didn't know how to reply.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I really think that maybe you should speak to your DH about how you are feeling. I think he probably does care but doesn't know how to handle things.
The stress of trying to conceive maybe getting to him as well?

You seem to be under an enormous amount of stress & I think you need to try and relax a bit.
You said that your appraisal was mainly positive, so try not to dwell on the negative bits.
Does your manager have children? I think that people who are not going through what you are going through find it hard sometimes to feel sympathetic. I don't mean that badly. But they cannot truly understand the angst of ttc can cause.

She probably is a bit worried about the disruption to the workplace if you have to have to take time off at short notice. She could possibly be under pressure herself?

I think there is a ttc board here, perhaps you could have a look and see if that helps.

Also, how sympathetic is your gp? Maybe go and see them and explain how you are feeling?

I'm sorry I don't really have any great advice for you but didn't want to read & run as you sound so low.

My best friend was going through the same. When I had my first child I knew she was happy for me but I could see it hurt her.
When I feel pregnant the 2nd time It was really hard for her but she was really great (although behind cleared doors I know this must have been so difficult ).
It took her quite a while ( about three years) but she did fall pregnant and had a beautiful baby. Then 2 years after she had her 2nd baby.
flowers for you

scribbles1980 Sat 23-Apr-16 11:30:29

closed doors

poppyseedbagel Sat 23-Apr-16 13:48:59

Hi Scribbles,

Thanks so much for reading and replying.

I tried to talk to DH about things this morning, but he seemed preoccupied and didn't think our lack of communication was as much of an issue as I feel it is. He doesn't really talk about the ttc stuff, and until our next appointment at the fertility clinic, it's maybe not on his mind as much as it is on mine. I can't hide from the fact AF has turned up, whereas he can.

My manager does have children, although they are all much older now. So I don't imagine that she can compare. I know her first thought needs to be the service, and the impact any staff absences can have on that, but if that is her ONLY concern, then I have deep regrets with having trusted her with this information when I previously held her in high regard and thought of her as more than just a manager.
I am feeling better though with her reaction, because I feel like it possibly took her by surprise and again, if you haven't been in the situation, who knows the right thing to say when that is disclosed to you?

I don't have a close relationship with a GP, I am part of a practice, and I see a different GP every time I have an appointment.

It's lovely to hear success stories, and I hope one day I will be among them. I just need a bit of time to process my friend's news, but I need to get our friendship through this.

scribbles1980 Sat 23-Apr-16 15:12:14

Yes, that's the difference between men & women I guess! I know my husband doesn't communicate very well, it doesn't mean they don't care.

I really understand how you feel regarding your manager. But like you said maybe it took her by surprise and she didn't really know what to say. I hope you can sort things out at work so that you feel less pressure there.

With regards to your friend I know how horrible you must be feeling. I was on the other side of this and i felt dreadful telling my friend that I was pregnant. Especially the 2nd time (as she had also suffered 2 miscarriages). Hopefully I handled things ok and I have to say she was fantastic and although she must of privately felt very upset, she never showed it. She fell pregnant just as my little one was born and really enjoyed practicing nappy changes etc with her to get some practice.

You sound so lovely & I really really hope things work out for you. It really is true that stressing about it won't help (easier said than done I know).
Good luck x

poppyseedbagel Sun 24-Apr-16 11:41:24

Thanks Scribbles.
I am feeling much more positive today, and I haven't felt as anxious about things. A good day at the pub with some friends was just what I needed.

I'm not going to let things get to me about work. I already put so much of me into my work, and it's never enough. I'm not going to strive for perfection for it, because it will never happen. And I'll put to the back of my mind her reaction and give her the benefit that she was surprised and didn't know what to say. We've all been there!

Once my friends news has sunk in, which it is starting to, I will be over the moon for them.

Thanks again for your kind comments Scribbles, you have been an amazing help. x

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