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In need of a little support(3 Posts)
Irregular poster, avid lurker! (think my previous posts may have been on my old username, which I changed as it was ridiculously identifying!)
To cut a (very) long story short: had a massively stressful few years: ex-husband had an affair with one of my "best friends" (divorced him); moved out of the area with the kids; met current partner; got pregnant; had our lovely daughter; moved back to original area.
This last year has been pretty horrendous with one thing and another and I've been unbelievably stressed. Had a bit of a meltdown last May (around baby's 1st birthday, and just after moving house) but put it down to tiredness and was ok after a couple of weeks of taking it a bit easier. Felt fine over the summer. Then in October we had a seriously stressful situation: Social Services became involved in my life for the first time ever (nothing I had done; all to do with my partner's adult son) and this had a massive effect on my mental health. Was just starting to come to terms with that when my stepbrother made his second suicide attempt, and we lost the family dog. This all coincided with me getting very little sleep due to a fractious toddler!
I started having panic attacks in perfectly safe normal situations. My thinking speed increased, was having panic attacks at night etc. Tried to cope with it on my own: exercising more (this has always worked for me in the past when anxiety has cropped up from time to time), taking vitamins etc. However, then the intrusive thoughts kicked in: disturbing stuff, like "what if I threw the bairn down the stairs?", "what if I broke her neck?". I went through all this before 11 years ago when I had the contraceptive implant in (only had my eldest then, she was 4, and it was all the same stuff, but 50 times worse than this time. Went away once I had it removed and my hormones levelled out. Had a touch of it after having my middle one 8 years ago but that passed very quickly).
So anyway, last Saturday I went out with my friends and had such a meltdown that one of my friends had to bring me home (complete depersonalisation, feeling of doom). Went to the doctor on Monday, has referred me for CBT and prescribed me Fluoxetine, 20mg. I've taken 9 tablets now and actually feeling a bit worse physically: my mood is quite low (wasn't particularly low before), very sleepy, churning feeling in stomach, appetite gone. However, the intrusive thoughts have calmed down A LOT; from pretty much constant to maybe half an hour a day in total. Feel quite 'spaced-out' and still having panic attacks when I go out anywhere.
I have read around on these boards that I should start feeling better in a few weeks time (hopefully); the things that were stressing me are now sorted: Social Services have closed the case, my stepbrother is back on his meds and doing ok now (Fluoxetine as well!); I've gone through the grief of losing our beloved pooch, and my toddler is (currently) sleeping pretty well.
I guess I could just do with a little support really! One of my friends has been through something very similar but she has a lot on herself at the minute so don't feel I can "bother" her too much with how I'm feeling. My partner is amazing, and I have other good friends and family, but they can't really empathise with me right now (not told all of them about the intrusive thoughts as feel quite ashamed of them - I know I shouldn't).
You will get there. Sad to hear you have been through so much
Thank you Marchate. It's certainly been a difficult few years! Really hoping these tablets kick in soon. I'm usually such an upbeat, sociable person so it's very difficult to be in this situation.
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