Tomorrow Will be

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Another day
Exactly like the rest.
I wish I had an off switch. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
I wish I got hit by a bus, sooner rather than later.
I won't end it myself. I can't. But I'm so tired of it all.
I have a therapist who I will see again soon. NHS. But last time I was struggling she said she couldn't work with me, if I was always going to be in crisis.
Should probably go and have my meds altered but it doesn't actually solve the problems.
Don't know why I am posting this. No one I can talk to in rl I guess.

[Marchate]

Why would a therapist say that? Can you ask if another is available?

Please remember, things always get a bit better. Late evening is a bad time for reflection. Take care

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

I think because we went into the therapy sessions with some intent towards working on my ability to conduct relationships/have healthy boundaries.
But the only thing that seems to have come out of that is that the only people I need to have a good relationship with are my children. Which is fine/great but at the same time I'm sad that I probably won't ever be in love with someone again.
Been going up and down since last autumn. Normally good at getting myself over things, geeing myself along but the last week or two literally the only thing that is holding me back is the fact that I couldn't hurt my children like that.
Trying to stay in the moment. This moment is fine etc but I've suffered with depression on/off since twelve/thirteen, presumably it will always be there and it sucks big sucky balls.
Thank you for listening.

[Marchate]

So are you bringing up the children alone? Do the 'boundaries' refer to a previous, bad relationship?

Always being in crisis would signal more therapy to most people, not less

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

No my ex husband is raising our children. I speak to them every day.
He was a bad relationship. But I don't have anyone I get on with or trust.
But its rules/money/lack of justice/pollution/having no one.The fact I have cfs, the fact that something rarely feels like an achievement. I have my volunteering role this afternoon. I'm dreading it, going to have to pretend all is fine and dandy, that I'm glad to be there and that I want to talk to people. And all I actually want to do is hide in bed.

[Marchate]

Okay, so do you mind telling us a little bit of background as to why your ex has the children? Was it due to your mental health?

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Partially. Also the Hague convention.

[Marchate]

I see. That means different countries, am I right?

Must be very difficult for you. Do you think you need help establishing boundaries? I must say, if your relationship was bad it's quite usual to end up in another similarly bad one. Finding ways to spot the signs is very important

Did you manage to do your voluntary work today?

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Yes, went and did my volunteering. It helped. Gave my mind something to focus on.
I'm getting better on the boundaries front. Have put my foot down in two different situations recently. Which I think is partially why I have been feeling horrible. It's just difficult when people are going 'wtf, Room101?' And I know that I'm doing what is best for me but still find it hard when the other person in the situation is trying to make me out to be unreasonable. I guess self-belief takes practice.
And yes, different countries. At the time (2012) I didn't have the money or the energy to fight him. Thought my children would be better off with the more 'stable' parent. Only time will tell I guess.

[Marchate]

If people have been a bit controlling of your life in the past, it's really difficult to believe in yourself. It's a good thing to realise it is a skill you can learn. We say 'Yes' to things we don't want to do, to keep the peace. Then we have to find excuses to get out of the hole we dug!

I hope you sleep well. Do you have plans for tomorrow?

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

First day back at university after the Easter break. Which fingers crossed will be good.
And will be able to report back on the boundaries front to my therapist, that yes it was very hard but that I did it!
Thank you again for reading and responding x

[Marchate]

You're welcome. What are you studying?

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

A useless for anything in the real world degree contemporary fine art ba.
I enjoy it but do find the workload hard. Still a lot easier than my attempt to study law!

[Marchate]

Oh, there's nothing useless about education. Nowadays I do lots of online (free) courses out of interest. Seldom 'useful'!

Keeping busy is good for your mental health. It gives you an aim

Let us know how your first day of term goes

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Thanks. I will.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Hi •Marchate• first day back was good. Got lots done. Something else happened which was weird. But good weird. And to do with my recent enforcement of boundaries. Fingers crossed it will continue to be so!!

[Marchate]

That's excellent. Good to get back to studying. And another tick in the 'positive box' re boundaries

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Well, it went bad weird but it was my support group last night (how to manage bi-polar) and they were really supportive. I've made a Drs appointment to go and get referred back to the psychiatrist and the guy who runs the group is going to come with me.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

I'm being referred back to the psychiatrist and my med dose has been upped. Still feeling utterly unmotivated to do anything but better than I was.

[Marchate]

You'll get through it. Best wishes