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Anyone awake? Had a rubbish day

(24 Posts)
Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 01:22:27

Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve, but I feel really down and had a rubbish day.

I found it out today my ESA has been stopped, as I failed the work capability assessment. I'm struggling with depression and anxiety, plus some physical problems too. Now I'm not entitled to anything, but can't imagine being able to work - for years I've left jobs because I couldn't cope, I can't concentrate and now physical problems make things difficult too. They made me feel like I was claiming something I shouldn't. If I don't sign on for jsa I'll have barely any income. I can appeal the decision, but it just seems like too much stress, I don't know if I can cope.

On top of that I've had a disagreement with my bf and don't know how to continue the relationship or whether it's a good idea, as I've behaved badly, but also can't cope with hours how things are. I also feel guilty because I know I've behaved really selfishly and it wasn't ok.

I'm in a terrible place at the moment and don't know what to do about it. I just want to stay in bed all the time.

My gp doesn't listen and doesn't care. I'm waiting for counselling, but had some in the past and it didn't help.

Sorry for rambling on. Thanks for reading.

HeadHeartAndSoul Sat 09-Apr-16 02:17:39

I'm awake ... different rubbish circumstances, but here ...

HeadHeartAndSoul Sat 09-Apr-16 02:19:14

I am am saying this as much to myself as to you, but the world never looks at its best in the small hours, when one is awake alone.

GraysAnalogy Sat 09-Apr-16 02:27:12

Oh ESA and the assesments are a load of shite.

If it comes to it and you need to sign on - do not worry. You'll be asked to do x amount of job seeking a day and you'll have to list it.

It won't take long, but each day you will write such things as

2 hours - looked for jobs on indeed.com, applied for X a d X
3 hours - distributed CVs around town
etc
This is usually done online so won't take you long to complete

Now I wouldn't usually condone lying but you're not well, and I've been there. As long as you document that you've done the allotted hours you should be okay. And include jobs that you've seen and 'applied for'.

Now onto your MH, can you get a different GP? It seems like you're current one isn't the person for you. I have BPD and I found that finding one I trusted was important to recovery.

If you can give details of where you live I can see if there's any self referal places available, but of course I understand if you can't do that.

You aren't alone okay? And things will get better. It right now seems like it's dark and that it's bad but I promise you things get better flowers

GraysAnalogy Sat 09-Apr-16 02:27:45

but the world never looks at its best in the small hours, when one is awake alone

very true.

Sazbird Sat 09-Apr-16 02:32:35

I'm here to listen, but sounds like you need to find a new doctor, one who will give the support you need. Is there a different Dr at the same surgery?
With the bf issue, what did you do hun? He hasn't run for the hills so maybe not as bad as you think?
Don't give up on counselling before its started, maybe this time it will help.
For life in general, remember you are you, with your own unique abilities and fault, all of which make you wonderful.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 03:43:44

Thank you for the replies.

There are four gps at the surgery, none of them any good it seems.

It's true about the small hours not being great, I know.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 03:47:00

One of the problems with signing on is that I'm practically admitting - as far as the dwp are concerned - that I can work then. But I don't feel able to.

GraysAnalogy Sat 09-Apr-16 03:50:45

It's a difficult situation to be in. They seem to lack understanding for MH issues. The thing here is that you need money, and if this is only way you can get it, then you might have to play the game. Either that or contest the ESA. sad

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 04:14:37

I'll probably contest it. It just feels daunting

GraysAnalogy Sat 09-Apr-16 04:25:44

I'm just thinking about how you will get money whilst you contest it, that's all. I hate that you're in this situation. And don't be daunted, but be prepared to have proof. I wouldn't usually talk about this in a mental health topic but you're going to have to show proof, and that's more than likely going to come from your GP or any other teams you're in contact with x

Spandexpants007 Sat 09-Apr-16 04:30:32

Can you move surgeries? Ask around for recommendations.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 04:46:29

I'm not in contact with other teams and my gp doesn't know much about me. They just prescribe anti depressants and that's it.

Spandexpants007 Sat 09-Apr-16 04:48:07

Can your family/friends recommend a better GP?

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 04:50:08

I can move to another surgery, but I don't know anyone to ask.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 04:52:16

The only person I know in the area is at the same surgery as me.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 05:08:34

With regard to bf, I over reacted to a situation. I'm extremely insecure and also having a really rubbish time with depression at the moment. I can't cope if he's not there for me ... And tonight he didn't feel well and I lost the plot. I behaved like a spoilt child. It's not the first time. I don't know how to stop it happening again. I hate myself for how I behaved . We've talked about it in the phone, he's ok about it, but I have to make sure it didn't happen again, I don't want to be this person ...

Spandexpants007 Sat 09-Apr-16 05:49:24

Can you work out what to do next time instead of loosing the plot? Go for a walk or something?

Are you managing to take care of yourself?

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 06:22:04

When I'm calm, yes but when actually in the situation I don't seem able to stop myself.

Spandexpants007 Sat 09-Apr-16 06:41:45

Could you try walking away and deep breathing. Do you do any meditation?

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 09:59:08

I don't do meditation, no. I panic a bit when focusing on my breathing.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 10:48:28

It almost feels like I'm hell bent on self destruction .. I know it's wrong, but at that moment I don't care what I say, what happens. I am really worried, I don't know what that says about me, what's wrong with me. I say hurtful things to him, but I don't want to.

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 10:51:55

I'm trying to look after myself .. Trying not to put too much pressure on myself. But I don't sleep enough, I eat mainly junk and hate myself for putting on weight ..

Hatefeelingdown Sat 09-Apr-16 12:59:04

I've been thinking about our relationship all night. It's very frustrating .. Because of various reasons he often doesn't want to do anything, wants to be alone. Because of depresssion I struggle with this, feel rejected I guess. I react badly, say things I don't want to, that hurt him. But we've only been together about half a year and there is no excitement anymore. I still get butterflies when I see him, but there's no frantic sex, sometimes not even kissing. He can't sleep at mine, says he doesn't sleep well here. I don't want to - and can't - often sleep at his for various reasons and commitments. So we don't spend the night together often. He's very shy and sexually not very experienced (neither am I btw), so not very adventurous and it doesn't really work for me.

And yet I love him so much. I really want to make it work.

I know people here would say there's no point from what I've said, but he's lovely. Sex isn't everything. I just need to find a way of dealing with the feeling of rejection.

I'm scared I'm totally selfish and self absorbed, or narcissistic .. Wanting it to always be about me, be the centre of attention sad

Sorry, I know I'm talking to myself. And I'm also aware I've totally outed myself if my bf is reading this.

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