I've fucked up big time

[MummySparkle]

I've really fucked up today.

I've not been feeling well for a while, with thoughts of harming getting stronger. I harmed this evening. Stupid thing was we had a lovely day with the DCs. Went to the zoo and generally had a wonderful time.

I've managed to land myself a referral to the specialist plastic surgery hospital in the area because minor injuries were unable to sort it and the big hospital would do the same anyway. But I need an assessment from the crisis team first. The MIU didn't have a crisis team and they were already closed by the time they had finished having a look at me and sorting the referral. They told me to drive over to the big hospital to be seen by the crisis team so that the specialist place can make an appointment.

I've really fucked up, I thought I would be in and out in half an hour. I wasn't. DP is really angry with me and made me come home. I'm going to see the crisis team in the morning. Waiting in a&e all night to be seen would be hellish.

I am supposed to be at work tomorrow. It's an important day, but obviously I can't go. DP is so a ft with me. I'll have to get up in the morning with the DCs. I might just goingoing work anyway. The MIU did a good job at patching t up for the meanwhile, which is fine so long as I don't move too much.

Fuck Fuchs fuck fuck fuckety fuck. I feel so ashamed, I didn't mean for it to be that bad and now I've got myself into a ridiculous mess

[NanaNina]

Oh nooooooo MS I saw a post of yours today saying that Venlafaxine had turned your life around and I felt so pleased for you. If you need plastic surgery you must have done serious damage. I'm a bit confused though - have MIU dealt with the SH as best they could. Should you not have waited for the crisis team tonight, though I know from experience you can wait for hours on end. Make sure you see the crisis team tomorrow and get your injury sorted out.

Yes I can imagine DH is not best pleased. I honestly don't think you can go to work tomorrow. Oh sorry I can see MIU did a good job of patching you up. I can't remember whether you have a CPN and over sight by a psychiatrist but if not ten you need one, or someone from the CMHT.

Take care of yourself and get some help tomorrow.

[MummySparkle]

Hi Nina. Yes the MIU have patched me up, and that will hold as long as I don't bend my elbow. They wanted me to see the crisis team last night, I was going to go but DP said to come home as the DCs were screaming for me. So far tonight I've either been awake with one of them or asleep on DS's floor.

I am under theCMHT, I am going to give them a call tomorrow. They have a duty team so should be able to do an assessment. Once I get signed off by them then I need to call the specialist unit to make an appointment.

I honestly thought I would be in and out if the MIU in 20 minutes and home again. DP is so angry. "C*" and "freak" have both been said since I've been back. I was in the MIU for over an hour. There's no mobile signal in there and DP didn't know where I was. Think he's mostly annoyed that I didn't text to let him know I was somewhere safe.

I'm getting up with the DCs in the morning. I think I'll leave extra early and pop into work. We had an exhibition in Friday and it all needs to come down and the room needs to be put back to normal before break. I need to be there to oversee it. If I get there extra early I could be finished by 10 and that wouldn't delay anything.

[MummySparkle]

I went to work, I had to. I feel numb / empty / hollow. Currently waiting for the MH team to see me. They said it could be a while. Come outside for a cigarette but I haven't got a lighter. There's usually somebody else herewith one - not today.

I left before DO woke up this morning. He was really really angry with me. It's all a mess.

[NanaNina]

Oh love I hope you can see someone soon. Not sure it was the best idea to go into work but it's done now. Did you leave the children with DP. How old are they - I imagine they are pre schoolers. Why was he so angry this morning. I hope you can get that injury sorted. You must be knackered apart from anything else. Can you get an early night.

Oh god I know that numb/empty/hollow feeling so well. I teetering on the brink of it myself.

[MummySparkle]

I got seen in the end, trial assessment done and they are going to send it over to the other hospital. Once their psychological teams have reviewed it then I will get a call with an appointment. The lady I spoke to said it's likely to be Wednesday or Thursday. I have no idea what to expect from them, I've never been in this position before. I don't know what happens. I don't like not knowing what happens.

Work wasn't the best idea, but it did keep me busy. I would have felt really guilty sitting at home and not helping out, there was a lot to do. Probably shouldn't have moved tables though

I still feel numb, sorry that you feel that way too. I'd rather feel something, anything, than feel absolutely nothing. DP has broken my sewing machine as punishment. It doesn't even bother me anymore. He was angry at me because he didn't know where I was last night and he was worried. There's no phone signal at the MIU. I was going to book in and then text him, but there wasn't a queue so I went straight in without getting a chance to text. He said he was worried that is been in a car crash or something. Said he'd called the MIU but they didn't tell him I was there. And then he was angry with me this morning for leaving without saying good morning, or telling him I was going. And angry with me for going into work. And angry at me for 'turning the family's lives upside down' again. And for 'putting us all through pain'. And just generally at me for harming. He has destroyed my sewing machine as a punishment for harming. Next time it will be my kenwood mixer, if I harm again then he will destroy my big SLR camera.

[writingonthewall]

That is sadistic of your partner. Any chance you could leave?

[MummySparkle]

I think I can probably fix the machine, there a few bits come off it, but I think it's innards are intact. I can't leave. If I lived alone then I'd probably have the crisis team on my back (again) and would end up with a social services referral which I really don't want.

I hate waiting. I need to know what's going on with these injuries. I want them sorted ASAP so I can draw a line under it all. I feel so stupid. All I want to do is more damage. I know I can't. I think I will hide my camera though.

[MissBeaHaving]

Op I'm sorry op but how dare he " punish you"
And destroy your belongings,you are not a child you are woman -a woman who is poorly & needs support!
Saying that you don't punish a child like that either.

You are being abused by this man & I think you would feel a lot better away from him & his punishments.

Please look after yourself & get some advice, maybe get this moved over to relationships as they are very supportive & helpful.
I'm so sorry you are going through this

[NanaNina]

I'm not going to say very much about DP because I know from the past that you never blame him and just seem to accept his behaviour. He must have known you were in A & E because you said he made you go home. Having said that I think breaking your things is utterly despicable.

Hope your appointment comes through soon

[MummySparkle]

I know i should do something about our relationship, I know that it's not healthy. But we do have fantastic times together too. But I don't want this to turn into a thread about DP. I will seek advice when I feel ready.

I've had a slightly better evening, we talked and cuddled and watched a movie on TV, managed to catch up on some crochet too. But as soon as I stop being busy my head is already going straight back to urges to harm. They flash up as images in my head, I see myself harming. Eventually the image gets stronger and stronger to the point that it's unbarable and I have to do it so I can get some peace for a while.

I am sore tonight. DD managed to pour bath water onto my dressing so I've had to take the outer bits off and replace them. I think I will have to make an appointment with the practice nurse tomorrow to get it re-dressed.

I am really confused as to what plastics will actually be able to do. I'm sure if it's after 6hrs then they won't suture so I'm really not sure what the point of all of this is.

[MummySparkle]

Sorry, that first paragraph came across as rather abrupt / dismissive. It wasn't supposed to. I really appreciate your kind words, but at the same time I need to conserve my strength for getting myself through this crisis before I can think about making any changes elsewhere

[NameChange30]

Your husband/partner is abusive and you won't start to feel better until you recognise that.

Have you ever told a healthcare professional about his behaviour? Ever spoken to Women's Aid or similar? Please talk to someone. The WA helpline is 0808 2000 247

[Marchate]

Although your partner is acting atrociously, that's another topic, isn't it? So I'll only say, you may find some of your problems would lessen, not increase, if you didn't have to tolerate his shocking attitude

But leaving that aside, I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. My daughter has issues similar to yours, but fortunately still lives here. I know it's hard to get from one end of the day to the other x

[NameChange30]

I am wondering whether voluntary admission to hospital might be a helpful option for you? It would give you the professional support you need, keep you safe, and give you a break from your partner's anger and abuse.

It might not feel like the right option now but please do consider it in future if you feel like self harming again.

More info here www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/hospital-admission/#.VvCEA0XfWnM

[NameChange30]

If you have a family member or close friend who would be supportive you could also consider staying with them for a while.

[Marchate]

Can you give someone your camera (and anything else that might be damaged) for safekeeping? Or even store them at your workplace?

[NanaNina]

There is an acute shortage of beds in the psychiatric service and often patients are admitted to hospitals miles from their home. Also admission is based on clinical need and because of the pressure on the system, only very ill patients are admitted - meaning those suffering extreme psychosis and then they are discharged before they should be, so I don't think that's the answer.

Can you cover the dressing with a plastic bag (or something similar) while you are washing. Is there any follow up from a psychiatrist or are you just waiting for this appointment for plastic surgery.

I know you don't want to talk about DH and I know you don't want to leave him, but his behaviour does seem bizarre. Does he have any mental health problems or any issues that cause him to behave in such an erratic way. Am I right in thinking he doesn't work apart from dog walking - sorry if I have that wrong. How do you manage because you must need to have a lot of time from your job. You work in a school don't you. I know your MIL is supportive and looks after the children sometimes. Do you have any family/friends who could support you.

[MummySparkle]

They won't admit me to hospital. I was admitted back in October, but only for 10days. They had filled my bed before I was even discharged.

Yes I work 3 days a week in a school. I love it. It's been stressful the last few weeks as we've been prepping for an exhibition and a big deadline. I spent a lot of extra time there last week. Luckily I don't have any extra to do, I do t have to bring anything home, just do lots when I'm there.

DP just does the dog walking. He has anxiety and is on medication for that. I know that when I harm that makes his anxiety worse. That will have contributed to his reaction.

I do have people around me who can support with childcare etc. I feel okay with the DCs at the moment. Mostly I'm just tired. I have no idea what to expect from the referral to plastics. Im not sure what they will do. Most things seem to say that if wounds aren't sorted within 6hrs then there is nothing that they can do, obviously it's been longer than that now. I don't know whether being seen by the MIU before then means there will be something they can do? I've been trying to look online and find out what will happen, buti can't find much information. All the websites seem to be American and obviously their referral process is very different. I will have a one-handed shower in a bit and will call the surgery to get it re-dressed too.

[MummySparkle]

They said I'd probably get a call first thing this morning. What time is it appropriate to call again to find out what's going on?

I called the GP, they have no nurses available to do a dressing change so I'm going to have to go and wait in minor injuries to get it changed. I've got the DCs this morning. DS goes to nursery at 1 so I'll go with just DD this afternoon.

[Marchate]

I think this is later than 'first thing'. I'd call them now x

[MummySparkle]

I called at about 11 and spoke to the trauma coordinator on shift. He said that he had my file open and had just got off the phone leaving answerphone messages to try and chase things up for me. He said that I would most likely get a call by the end of today. I think the psychological team at that hospital still need to sign off on the risk assessment that my MH team carried out. And then apparently they need to liaise with the surgeon as to when they can see me. Apparently they had a very big case last night so things are a little behind.

Surgeon sounds like such a scary word. I still have no idea what is going to happen when I get there, or even when I get there. I'm supposed to be at work on Thursday, it's looking unlikely to happen tomorrow.

I really didn't feel like it was that bad. Just waiting to drop DS st nursery then got to go and sit and wait at the MIU to get the dressing sorted. Hopefully there won't be a big queue today

[NameChange30]

I'm glad you managed to speak to the trauma coordinator.

You might need surgery but try not to be scared about that, you will be looked after.

The most important thing is that you get the medical and psychological care you need.

Hope you won't have to wait too long to get the dressing sorted.

[Criminy]

I've no idea what to say to help, but I'm thinking of you

[willowcatkin111]

Sparkle so that things have got difficult for you again. Try not to worry about the operation - maybe a skin graft which I think can be done under a local so you will be able to know what is happening.
Do you know if there was a trigger this time?
Hope the crisis team can help you.

[MummySparkle]

I'm not really sure what the trigger was. DS has got things going on at nursery, they are trying to get a specialist teacher in to support him as we think he has autism. He is seeing a paediatrician in May. So I guess all of that is on my mind. Nursery are taking his case to a meeting in Thursday to see what support they can get for him.

Work was stressful last week, but in theory things are good. We had a lovely on Sunday at the zoo with the DCs, not sure why I harmed then, I guess it's really been on my mind.

Had to wait a while to get the dressing changed. DD was good as gold and a really sweetie. Had a call from the plastics people whilst I was waiting and had to change DD's nappy so that occupied the time a bit.

I have to go in tomorrow at 10:30, they will add me to the list and then it's a case of sitting and waiting. They said children first, then anybody who has an infection and then it's likely to be anybody who is anxious / would really benefit from being seen quickly (ie me).

I have to go to the ward and book in, then wait. The surgeons and anaesthetist will come and see me to discuss what the best treatment options are. I'm hoping I won't have to have a general anaesthetic and they will be able to do it with a local. If they have to do a skin graft I'm not sure though, don't think they will be able to use that arm as a donor site as its too scarred already. What a fucked up mess. Apparently I have to take an overnight bag just in case and I'm not allowed to drive myself there because I won't be able to drive back. Need to speak to work re potentially not being able to come in on Thursday.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts everyone. Hope you're doing okay Criminy