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how to make oh see he needs help

(2 Posts)
RebeccaRHY1 Thu 17-Mar-16 23:21:41

So without going into detail. My oh is pushing everyone around him away and spiralling into self destruction yet he thinks he cant be helped. Or occasionally that hes ok and managing his issues fine alone. How can i make him get help?!

sadie9 Fri 18-Mar-16 09:55:21

Its very hard to make someone get help when they don't want to, or they don't see the problem with their behaviour. Hopefully others will come along with answers from their own experience too. It's very very difficult to get another person to do something about a problem they don't see as a problem.
You can explain how his behaviour is affecting you and why you don't deserve to be treated like he is treating you. And that he may be damaging relationships that are important to him and you want something better for him.
People's intentions when under stress are usually to get away from unpleasant feelings, and when people are feeling very pressured and stressed they don't notice their own behaviour towards others.
People are trying to move towards what's important to them, but fear and anxiety take them in a different direction. So we get someone who is trying to be good but their behaviour can be unhelpful and damaging to their relationships, or indeed to themselves. 'I am doing this for you' 'I am doing it for his own good, he needs to learn discipline!' - then gives kid a slap. It is fear that makes us attack.
You can start conversations by acknowledging that the person is capable of love and is trying their best, but their behaviour is not acceptable. So you can say (an example) 'I know it's important to you to discipline our child and that you love him, but the shouting you are doing is making him frightened and making him afraid of you'.
So always name the Value first (that they love X, that they are trying to help, that they value their job, etc), then name the Behaviour. This separates the Person from The Behaviour. You can also tell him you love him and he's important to you, however his behaviour you can't agree with.
If you just talk about the 'bad' behaviour alone, then you are dismissing the person's good intentions and they feel hurt, angry and misunderstood even more. Talk to him when he is in a calm mood.
You can also compare pieces of his behaviour to how he behaves when he's not feeling like that. That sometimes he's not like that and sometimes he is, and that his moods are dictating his behaviour.
When we are very stressed or compromised by feelings we have a very fixed perspective on life and we take a highly-defensive position. We also blame circumstances, events or people for 'making' us angry or depressed. So you get the answer 'well its my job, that's why I am angry all the time'.
Also be aware that you most likely can't fix it for him, and that you are not causing the behaviour even if he says you are a part of it. All you can do is express how his behaviour makes you feel and seek support for yourself as well.

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