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Hello and can I keep a little diary on here?(3 Posts)
I have recently posted on the general health thread about starting to take Citalopram for anxiety and depression, as I didn't realise there was a specific mental health board too.
I have been battling with anxiety and very low moods for over a couple of years now. Both my GP and gynaecologist think it is due to me being perimenopausal because for most of these two years I have generally enjoyed 10 - 18 days each month where I have no anxiety or depression.
I've tried a few types of HRT but they haven't helped to really stop the anxiety or depression, as they always seem to come back.
But for 5 weeks now the anxiety and depression have been pretty much constant. With just a very occasional good day. I am waking very early filled with dread and panic and I am having terrible insomnia at times. Generally I feel better once up and dressed, and do okayish during the mornings. But the afternoons are so, so very hard. I feel my anxiety mounting and mounting and feel almost like screaming. Then as it gets towards about 9pm I feel much calmer and almost 100% normal again. I am now just clinging on until the clock ticks past 9pm and I get some relief.
It's only been this bad for the last 4-5 weeks but it feels like a lifetime. At times I have felt suicidal and have had very dark thoughts (but somehow know I won't actually act on them). My DH has been amazing and I have been signed off work for the past week with 'anxiety state'. I have had to resort to diazepam quite a few times these last 10 days. But as I only gave 2mg tabs it's not super effective.
My GP has just started me on 20mg Citalopram which she says will deal with my depression and anxiety. But told me my anxiety could worsen before it gets better but that I should start to feel benefits in.a couple of weeks. She also told me to keep a little diary to log my progress so I could look back on it and see how far I have come.
Is it okay to just keep a little diary on here? No one has to respond, I don't expect people to.
Day One: I was terrified of my anxiety feeling any worse so after collecting my citalopram on on Saturday I split the 20mg tablet and just took 10mg. Slept okay with the help of some zopiclone.
Woke at 5am as I always do now. Had the usual feelings of dread and stupidly lay there letting them consume me. Spent a quiet day at home but struggled to keep it together during the afternoon. DH kept me company and tried to keep me calm but felt very low and black. Mood lifted during the evening. Why is this?
Felt quite sleepy last night so only took half a zopiclone tablet. Still woke at 5am and the anxiety was really dreadful. Just complete panic and dread. The worse I can remember, I think? Should have forced myself to get up but didn't.
Had to resort to 2mg of diazepam at breakfast and then another 2mg at lunch. Could still feel anxiety simmering away though. By tea time I had worked myself into a total state about taking my 3rd tablet, convincing myself it was making me worse. I was red faced with stress and near tears while cooking tea but DH and my lovely Mum persuaded me to take it.
By 8pm I felt much calmer again and had a peaceful evening. Almost couldn't recognise the state I had been in earlier. This is how I am now during the evening's, much better and brighter with virtually no anxiety. I wonder why?
It's fine to keep a diary on here but you could keep one at home too. I've got a diagnosis of recurring depressive disorder (with recurring being the operative word!) and I keep diaries (A4 spiral lined hardback books) and I can write just what I want - some pages are filled with every swear word you've ever heard. I then categorise the day (VGD very good day, RGD reasonably good day, Bad day, Day from hell, Bad morning - picked up early pm) and then at the back of the book I record the category for the day and at the end of the month I add up all the VGDs and bad days.
I find it helps me to keep a bit of control and I can look back and see how I've been. Unlike you, mornings are my worst times and many mornings I stay under the duvet till mid day and have to force myself out of bed and in the shower, and very often I pick up early afternoon or slowly through the afternoon and almost always better by 6 in the evening, but it can be 7, 8, 9, 10 and occasionally not at all.
Mental illness is a torment isn't it. I am so thankful that my kids are grown and I'm a grandparent - I feel so sorry for young mothers having to cope with kids. It's as much as I can do to cope with the cats!
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