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Complex PTSD, life in ruins, can't work, can't dig myself out of this hole.(4 Posts)
Have had sessions of EMDR which brought up the emotions I had buried but did not help with the extreme anxiety, hyper alertness, intrusive thoughts, feelings of isolation etc.
I had a traumatic childhood - SA/EA/PA and my father's domestic violence, then abandonment at age 7. Very abusive, scapegoating Mother strangled me almost to death when I was 13 because I said I wished my father had taken me with him. Spent my childhood in complete and utter fear of my mother (addicted to prescription drugs) and my older siblings who also took turns in beating me up.
As an adult I suffered a burglary while I was asleep in the house, being physically assaulted in the street by a stranger, being raped and subsequently contracting an STD, the traumatic birth of 2nd child late in pregnancy who I was told would be deformed and die straight afterwards (she wasn't but she did), 1st child's near death from illness 3 months later, unexpected twin birth 10 months after 2nd child's death, DTS1s night time febrile convulsions in which I woke thinking he was dying on two separate occasions, my whole family including mother outcasting me when I tried to get to the bottom of my mental health problems by confronting my mother over the childhood abuse - that has been a massive trauma in itself as I never thought they would all permanently cut me and my DC off. I loved the evil bitch so much and I had to give up the fantasy that she loved me too.
I was also rejected by my father when I contacted him after 30 years. Found out he had remarried and brought up his new wife's DCs as his own. He told me I was crazy as I was not content to just 'forget' the past. I wanted to know his reasons for dumping me with my mother and never trying to find out where she'd taken us and why he never paid a penny for us.
Have had 3 years of counselling which really only just scratched the surface on the childhood stuff, did not get round to much of the adult stuff. Can't afford any more.
Feel constant dread and doom, fear that I will 'lose the plot' at any moment (although had that for 10 years and never have yet, fingers crossed!), extremely low self esteem, feel completely isolated as no friends, panic attacks constantly, have had suicidal thoughts but that has passed as I know that I cannot leave my DCs - 'what if' something happened to them that I could have prevented etc.
DH is an arsehole - totally unsupportive, judges me for eating too much so being fat, for not being normal. He thinks that if I would just lose weight all my problems would be over. He told me he would never have married me if he knew how fucked up I was as a child, thinks I am lying as my family seemed 'normal'. Blames me for not telling him, although of course I was trapped in FOG and had no self awareness then.
Have to deal with 3 teenagers as well who have no respect for me at all, probably because I have none for myself. They tell me to 'go get cancer and die' and to fuck off. The smallest thing I ask them to do, they won't and argue about everything. No help whatsoever around the house. The stress is horrendous. My younger child is rapidly picking up their rudeness to me.
I cope day by day, although I am on my knees inside. I do all the household stuff but DH is cross I can't work since I quit my last job 5 months ago due to panic attacks.
Really don't know how I can live like this for much longer.
Any advice would be great!
I have been diagnosed with OCD. GP does not agree with me that I think I have C-PTSD although therapist said that it's likely. I won't take medication as the first and last time I tried it for 6 weeks, my intrusive thoughts worsened. Also tied up with that is my mother's addiction to Valium and how she was very aggressive with no emotions - don't want to be like that.
I don't think you're going to do this without some sort of medication . It might take a while to find out which suits you. I had to try 4. They aren't addictive; when you have the right one, it'll take the edge off both sides. It'll mean the mood swings aren't so extreme. You might lose the euphoric, but you lose the trough as well. That's what I have found.
Please go back to the GP. I have a very similar background, similar diagnosis; I'm only in fultime work because of the meds.
I have no advice for you really but I didn't want to just read and run. Strength and love to you xx
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