not sure what to call this, maybe aspergers related

[tiddlesthetortoise]

I don't know if this is just me, if something is wrong with me, or not, or whether it's fixable, but I'm posting on here because I"m struggling with other people in RL and just wondering whether someone on here will understand.

In RL noone (except health professionals) knows this, but I'm waiting for a diagnosis appointment with a psychologist, who is going to assess me for aspergers or some sort of personality disorder. I think. I am really anxious, in fight or flight mode a huge amount of the time, and up and down moo wise, but I've said no to taking any medication before being assessed (I'm wary of all the GPs who have just tried to put on a pill of some sort as soon as I say I think I need help).

In the meantime, I'm just struggling with people. This isn't something new, it's been going on my whole life. There is a pattern that I seem to go through with people, which is.. they think I'm normal to look at and and I'm accepted, spoken to nicely and like everyone else is. I might last 1, or even 2 or 3 conversations with them like this (if I'm lucky - with some people not even 1 whole conversation).. but there will come a point where I've obviously said/done something wrong, weirded them out. I"m being friendly, trying to make conversation, but I see the look in their eyes change and it's obvious they are revising their opinion of me. Their tone changes. The way they talk to me in general changes. It's like they back away and think I'm an idiot. They then go on to treat me in various ways that show less respect, sometimes outward contempt/rudeness/rejection. For example, if they are the only one left in a conversation with me they will move away so they don't have to. They won't even disguise the fact that they have no respect for me, it's open and I just feel powerless, at that point, I don't usually have a clue what to do about it. At the moment I'm experiencing this mostly with other mums, so I can't just leave a group/outing because I want my daughter to have friends. I turn up for her but I then come home really upset and cry while she's sleeping. I end up feeling completely rejected. It's been happening for long enough that I know it's not my imagination

At home, I'm a lone parent, I've raised my daughter on my own since I was pregnant, done everything, provided everything she needs. I have no family (estranged a long while back due to a dysfunctional background). I moved away from friends I had, to a new place when I had my daughter and former friends have all moved on. So the only people I know really are other mums who are married, and in relationships with enough money. They don't understand anything about my life as a lone parent and I sit there listening to them talk about hard life is for them when mine is so much harder. I don't butt in and tell them that, because I think that would just make me even more unpopular and what's the point. I don't know any other lone parents in a similar position to me (I guess they are probably busy working like me). I work but there aren't any social opportunities with colleagues. I spend my life in general very alone indeed. I never go out, don't have any hobbies outside the house. And somehow interacting with people often makes me feel like it's better that way Like I said, I just go out for my daughter mainly..

I realise this may be the Asperger's or whatever the psychologists think I have, making me unaware of myself and my guess is that I must be coming across as stupid/an awful person.

I would post this on the lone parents board but I'm not sure it's really about being a lone parent, though that's probably making everything much worse. I think there's just something wrong with me, my brain, I'm not normal and I obviously just can't see it myself. I wish I could so I could fix it.

Is there anyone on here who can relate to what I'm saying? I'm not looking for professional advice, I just don't have anyone else to say these things to and feel very alone. My appointment with a psychologist has been moved and because there is a waiting list I've been told I won't get one before September at least now, which just seems like so far away.

[thedevilinside]

Yes, all my life, the only thing I can suggest is to hunt down the mothers of SEN kids (many likely to be on the spectrum themselves) or make friends with foreigners.

[goshnotme]

I am so sorry to hear you're struggling. I think thedevilinside's advice is probably very good about making friends with the mothers of SEN kids. Try and invite one or two of the other mum's round for a coffee (or out for a coffee, whatever) and get to know them individually. That will help massively, and then they won't gravitate towards the women they know better than you while you're all out in a group. It might take more than one invite, and it won't be instant, but I'm sure that will help.

Best of luck. Sorry to hear you are estranged from your family - I'm guessing there is a history perhaps of autism spectrum disorders in the family which have gone undiagnosed in the past and which has contributed to a break down in relations amongst you all. These things are often hereditary. I know - we have this in my family.

Wishing you all the best.

xx

[tiddlesthetortoise]

Thanks thedevils and gosh, how do I find mothers of SEN kids, where do they hang out? My daughter is not school age yet and haven't come across any at toddler groups, everyone seems to be middle class, in a couple, quite well off, white. I live in a rural village.

I get rejected on a 121 basis too, not just out at groups. Have tried having coffee but the same thing happens, in fact possibly sooner because on a 121 basis the other mum gets a full dose of me so if they didn't realise I was 'off' before I think they definitely do at that point. I think that for example I talk in a monologue or off topic, or sound obsessed about something when I'm not really - there's a disconnect between who I am and how I come across. Not sure how else to explain that.

Yes possible history in the family gosh, but lots of problems on both sides and just about everyone in my extended family on both sides estranged from everyone else. i honestly don't know whether what's going on with me is nature or nurture or both, because it's so hard to unravel everything by this point in life, and I'm having difficuty accessing any services that could help me do that.

[ProudAS]

Sounds like Aspergers to me.

My diagnosis saved my marriage and job but it was difficult getting confirmation that it wasn't something fixable. My attitude almost ten years later is that there's nothing wrong with me and it is only a disability because we have to live in a world geared towards the neurotypical mind.

I think you need to find strategies that work for you and ignorant so and sos who won't accept you are not worth wasting time on. You may also like to find out whether there is an Aspergers group locally - attending one works well for some (not all) people on the spectrum.