I've really messed up.

[Criminy]

I've really messed up. Oh god DH is going to be so upset/angry/stressed. He's going to leave me/kick me out. Saw CPN for first time in many months today. For some reason I just let it all out - that I've been SHing again (some needing medical attention), that I can't shake the suicidal urges...I've been going to the train tracks and the woods again. Why did I? So stupid.

CPN has called crisis team, they're going to come tomorrow. She said she had to call DH to tell him about suicidal urges. He said a couple of months ago that he couldn't cope if I got bad again, like I was last year (4 months inpatient). The stress would end him. So I've been trying to not show how bad things have been.

But then one of his biggest issues in our marriage is that I don't talk to him about stuff. So I really did feel like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

A couple of weeks ago I SHd badly, it needed treatment, then it developed cellulitis. I hid it from him. Last night I finally said that a couple of weeks ago I hurt my leg. He just said "and you're telling me this now, why?", I said I just thought he should know, and it was infected but it seems to be doing ok now. He just changed the subject. I don't know how to take that/how to read it. I'm shit at emotions and reading people anyway.

Really struggling with urges now, can't cope with this, totally panicking.

[Sprongpicnic]

Well, you have done the right thing telling the team how you are feeling. Well done for letting them know and I'm glad they are coming to model to help you. You need some help to feel better. Your DH's feelings about this are very much secondary to your well being, this is about you being put to the top of the list X

[Broken1Girl]

How did the assessment go?

[Imnotaslimjim]

Are you the lady that burnt her leg and was asking advice on self treatment last week?

I am glad that you've spoken to someone about it. Please don't let the stress of how he is going to respond define where you go from here. It isn't about him. Its about you, and what you need to do next

I hope the assessment went ok today and he isn't causing you too much grief

[MistressChalk]

Do you have other friends or family you can speak to when you get really bad? Sometimes it's so much better than a professional because I find it can stress me even being in an 'official' environment?
Sorry I don't have much else to say although it sounds like he isn't very supportive if you feel you can't talk to him

[Criminy]

Thank you for your thoughts.

I think the assessment went ok, I was terrified and very anxious. They were talking about going into hospital or the crisis house. I really can't do either though, if I'm alive then I need to take DS to and from school, and look after DD. So the current plan is the crisis team are going to come visit daily for a little while, and they're getting a doctor to do a medical review of my meds etc either tomorrow or Monday. They want me to go to the day hospital centre thingy too, but I'm really not sure that's very practical, and I've been before and if anything it made me worse.

DH hasn't mentioned any of it. I know when CPN called him yesterday he didn't answer, so she left a voicemail asking him to ring her back. All yesterday evening he didn't say anything at all, just behaved as though nothing had been said. So I thought maybe he just hadn't checked his voicemail. I asked CPN today, she said that she did speak to him yesterday and told him how bad I was doing. But he's not said a word. Is that odd?

Maybe he's just trying to give me space? When he got home this evening he asked why I'd moved some bits around, I said because CPN and crisis team came. He just said ok and went away. Maybe he's going to ask me about it later this evening, DC have only just gone to bed.

I really don't know what to think. I spend so much of my life confused about him that I worry whether I'm thinking right or not.

Imnotaslimjim Yes, I burnt my leg and was asking for advice last week.

[Imnotaslimjim]

I'm sorry to say I do find his behaviour very peculiar. You need someone who can support you through your crisis. It doesn't sound like he can even acknowledge you're in crisis never mind support you

I hope the support you receive from the crisis team will be enough to help you get back on your feet

[Sunflower1985]

for you. It sounds like your DHs reactions are beyond your control right now. Go easy on yourself

[MistressChalk]

That is strange...I can understand that sometimes it's quite hard for people to understand how to address a subject like this and feel awkward but he's married to you for goodness sake he should know you well enough to be able to ask if you need to talk!

I appreciate its hard for people that don't have these problems to cope with it but I'll be honest I also think your the one that's sick and he just needs to deal with it and help you. Stop worrying about him, you need to focus on you and doing things that make you feel better, if he can't cope that's tough.

It sounds like the crisis team are really helping though so that's good how are you feeling today? X

[Criminy]

I'm feeling more and more anxious now, and it's just feeding the compulsions to destroy myself.

Feel on edge, waiting to see what DH will say, if anything. Something's up with him, he's curled up on the sofa and hasn't wanted any dinner (so we've not had any). I'm worried that he might be struggling with mental health issues himself. Worried I'm making him stressed, like he said before.

[MistressChalk]

OP he may well have his own problems but why is it up to you to shoulder both burdens? Maybe go and try to talk IF you feel safe and secure enough to. If you don't then could you try and do something for you to relax? A cup of tea and a book in bed or a lighthearted film?

I know the feeling of the need to destroy is completely overwhelming and how hard it is to fight off, but it will only make things worse after the initial release. I try drawing or colouring to stop myself, or sometimes just a pen and a notebook and let my brain draw, write it scribble whatever it wants.

Or you can vent here! I'm not great with advice but happy to talk about whatever you like

[Criminy]

Thank you for your replies.

An hour or so ago I said "what's up, you don't seem very happy?", he said "I'm just very tired, and a bit annoyed because there's a lot of stuff I could do with doing (hobby-related), but I'm too tired to do it."

Not sure what to make of that.

I should talk to him, but I don't know how, and what if he can't cope with what I've got to say? I'm just going round and round - not talking to him almost ended our marriage last year, so I know I need to talk to him, but then he said he can't cope if I'm bad again...I don't want to make him unwell with stress etc.

I'm just so confused, I can't think straight and the compulsions are so strong.

[Broken1Girl]

I'm sorry your dp isn't being supportive.
I think sometimes people do love you, but can't deal with us when in crisis, and just don't know what to do. And yeah, have their own issues. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, or that it's OK. Maybe leave him tonight and try to talk again tomorrow, or if it's easier write down how you're feeling.

Glad crisis team will be helping you.
I am around if you want to talk x

[MistressChalk]

I think perhaps you should open up to him, he says he won't be able to cope if you got bad again but was it perhaps because last time you didn't say anything to him until you got to breaking point?
It's really not fair for you to be walking on eggshells about your illness OP, you aren't well and you and your family all need to pull together to make you feel better.
By the way I think you've done amazingly well in telling someone about how your feeling and about the self harm so you can put all these things in place to help you like the crisis team! That's a huge step and you should feel positive for having the strength to do it, somewhere inside you there's a little bit of you geared up to fight and you need to keep encouraging her!

[Criminy]

I don't know how to open up to him. I don't know what I should say. I'm utterly shite at talking to anybody. All I've managed to say to CPN etc is that I'm not sure how much longer I can last without killing myself. That's why I'm not even sure what the crisis team or anybody can do. I don't think I'm ill, I think this is just the way I am, the way I was born. I want to go to the woods so badly but I have DD here. I've completely messed my marriage up. I've messed DH up and I'm messing the kids up. And the only way I can think of sorting it out and making it better for them all is if I just go.

[NanaNina]

Hey hold on - this is the depression talking. You haven't messed anything up - you have a mental illness like all of us on this thread. When you talk of going to the woods - what do you do there or think of doing. I think I known because I have had similar thoughts when the depression has got so bad. You certainly haven't messed your marriage up - you can't help being ill but DH can help being so unsupportive and lacking I empathy. It is very strange that he is so uncommunicative - is this what he's usually like?

We always think we would make life better for other people if we weren't here but truly that is the depression talking although we don't believe it at the time.

Can someone have the children for a couple of hours over the weekend so you can talk to DH.

[Imnotaslimjim]

Nina is right, this is the depression talking. You're not well, and the crisis team can help. Just keep on keeping on, it will get better

[Criminy]

Crisis team have been. She's not satisfied that I will be safe here (bad SH today, & suicide plan) so doctors are coming after kids are in bed (7pm bedtime) to assess me. She was talking about hospital. Not sure that I have a choice. Trying to work out what will happen if I run.

She spoke to DH by himself, she asked if I just wanted her to tell him the doctors are coming or anything else, I said just tell him everything. He's not said anything to me yet, I'm guessing he won't until kids in bed.

[MistressChalk]

Like the other posters you really haven't messed anything up! Nothing is ever messed up.
We all think the 'it would be better if I wasn't here' thoughts but when that depressive mist clears we realise how wrong we were.
Can I ask why you seem so scared of talking to your DH? Is it because you fear the end of your marriage if you are honest or are you scared of how he will react?
I, and I'm sure the other posters on this thread, have all been where you are right now. Whether we were born like this or not, it doesn't matter. It CAN be beaten. Even if only for a while. Those moments when you are better and feel happy are the reason you have to keep fighting. It's worth it, I promise you.

[MistressChalk]

Please don't run. They are going to help you get through this, please trust them

[Sprongpicnic]

PLease please don't run. You need this help and it's so good that you are getting the help X

[Criminy]

I'm not going to run. I think that really will get me sectioned.

I don't feel depressed, I just have the overwhelming need to destroy myself. I don't know why, I'm at peace with that now though. I can rationalise it by saying I need to go because I've messed up everyone I care about. But I still don't know why. Doesnt matter though I guess.

I've had loads of diagnoses in the past - social anxiety, generalised anxiety, major depression, dysthymia, Aspergers and the most recent is BPD. Which I guess just shows that I'm not depressed, I'm just built wrong.

Wrt talking to DH: I'm a bit scared of his reaction - scared he will get angry and say horrible things. I'm a lot scared that it will be the end of the marriage.

People have been telling me to leave him for years, but I think I must just not portray him very well to them. My mum says I'm always making excuses for him. But I guess I just concentrate on the bad things too much and am really unfair to him.

I don't even know what to say to DH though. I literally don't know.

[MistressChalk]

I have BPD too Criminy. It's the biggest shitter. Like you there are other diagnoses but the BPD is the megac**t of them.

I guess a lot of your fear about your DH reacting badly is due to the abandonment fear and I completely get that. But in all honesty he doesn't sound like he's doing you any favours and you say other people have said the same including your mum.
You need to be thinking about YOU right now. If he wants to play the silent game and not talk, let him. If he wants to get stroppy and be an arsehole if you do talk, fuck him. He's not worth feeling like this over. No one has the right to make what you are going through any worse than it already is.

The numb destructive feeling is a type of depression, it's not you and you don't have to give in to it.
I tried quite a few things to beat my BPD when it got really bad, some worked and some didn't and I think it's different for everyone but with me CBT helped massively. The doctor I had asked how I wanted to run the sessions and I wanted to approach them logically, so I basically wanted him to teach me all about the psychology behind the diagnosis. Seeing it as a set of thought processes and learned behaviours compounded by chemical reactions suddenly changed it from being this terrifying, lonely, monster into a logical problem I could see solutions to and start changing. It took a long time and it was hard work but I got there, so you can too.

[Criminy]

I can see how approaching sessions logically would be good, and learning about the physiological stuff as well as the psychological.

A lady called about an hour ago, she said she was an approved mental health practitioner, I have no idea what that is, she said she's waiting on a second doctor being available so they probably won't get here until 11pm ish. That's a lot of people. Does that mean they're planning on sectioning me?!

I don't think I can talk to them with DH here. DH has still acted as though nothing is wrong, just being normal, hasn't asked anything. Maybe that's the only way that he can cope?

Re/leaving him - even his mum thought I should leave him last year! But I always just think I must be saying only bad things to people, so I'm being unfair to him.

I've never had CBT or any other type of talking therapy. I've been on loads of different meds, but that's the only treatment I've ever had.

Really starting to get wound up about all these people coming now.

[Marchate]

You need to think of your own health. Your relationship may be having an effect, or maybe not. You won't be able to look at that rationally while you are so low

However, tell the MH team what you have said here. The fact you are confused about your relationship may help them assess your needs

[Criminy]

They've been. I either go into hospital informally or they'll section me. But there's no beds in this county or the next, and probably won't be until Monday at the earliest.

He's really angry. Why didn't I say something sooner? He's been waiting for me to talk to him but I haven't. He said last year that his main problem was that I didn't talk to him. And I've not talked to him again.

What has he done so wrong? Is he a horrible person?

He's spent the last twelve years trying to make my life as comfortable and good as he can, only for me to end up like this. Well no more, he's going to live for him.

He's looking for a new job because he's going to lose his current one due to me.