So incredibly anxious over dd

[Givinguph0pe]

She was six weeks early and is now ten weeks, four weeks corrected. I'm so incredibly anxious about her that I feel like I can't breathe. Every little thing that she does that's different or if she's sick after a feed or something I'm convinced she's going to die or at best we are going to have to be admitted back into hospital.
I'm having support from perinatal mental health and was prescribed sertraline (sp) which dh won't let me take as I'm expressing for dd and she's having breast milk exclusively which is a whole other source of anxiety (will I have enough milk, will I be home in time to express if I go out, how much should I warm for her in a bottle so none is wasted etc)
I desperately want to feel better, I feel sick and anxious all the time, I only eat because otherwise I don't make any milk and frankly if it wasn't for ds I'd have liked taken an insulin overdose several weeks back. I can't do anything normal like read a book, watch TV or see friends because I'm too distracted all the time. The house feels unfamiliar and sinister and I think all the time that something awful is going to happen and I can't shake it.
Is there anything else I can do? Any form of CBT maybe? I'm just not coping and I feel a completely different person to the one I was before I had my daughter and not one I like. I feel like the world has ended actually and just want to cry all the time.

[PitilessYank]

Oh, this sounds so painful, what you are experiencing! Is your DH aware of the extent of your distress? I can't believe anyone would advise against taking the sertraline when you are feeling this way.

Please let your DH and any trusted family and friends know that you are feeling this way, ask them for help, please take the antidepressant, and if you start to have regular or longer-lasting suicidal thoughts, consider that a mental health emergency and go for help right away.

I am a doctor and I have a history of depression and I would not have hesitated to take an antidepressant while breastfeeding if I had needed to.

[elephantpig]

I'm sorry, what?!
You husband won't let you take medication?!

[PatriciaHolm]

Take the sertraline.

Your mental health is paramount. You have given your baby the very best start in breastfeeding for 10 weeks; now it's time to concentrate on your health. If you don't, your baby could end up with a very ill mother.

Your husband is being an arse. Does he have any idea how bad you feel?

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Tell your Dh to piss off!

You need that medication to feel better. Formula is fine for babies.

[Givinguph0pe]

He does but he is very against taking antidepressants generally and he says I've got nothing to be depressed about and I just need to try and forget about dd being early and both of us being unwell. He doesn't want me to take the tablets whilst I'm feeding so I either take them anyway, stop expressing or don't take them.

A lot of my anxiety is around dd's feeding. I write down exactly how much she has every day and worry if she goes longer than three hours. She is also a windy baby and sometimes she coughs and chokes when drinking from the bottle as she has mild reflux and I worry the milk will get onto her lungs and she will get an infection and die.

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

You can still breastfeed on sertraline! I took it throughout pregnancy and have taken it for 20 months and am still breastfeeding my DD- she's absolutely fine. Your husband is being a wanker and this makes me so cross- put your foot down and take the tablets. Start them now!

[BookTart]

I suffered badly with anxiety after DD's birth. I also didn't take medication due to breastfeeding, and I so wish I could go back and change that decision. Please take the Sertraline, it isn't your DH's choice to make.

I also wanted to say that (in my case, at least), the anxiety was about my DD, but it wasn't caused by her. It was a manifestation of lots of emotional issues that I'd hung on to since childhood and which came out when I was at a low point post-birth. Your DH is (presumably) not a mental health expert, so please don't let him tell you how you should feel. I've been having counselling for just over a year, and I'm now moving on to CBT to give me coping techniques as the bigger problems are becoming clearer. This was all arranged by my local Sure Start centre and my HV, so please try talking to your HV in case you can get free help locally too. Take care of yourself, it can be such a hard time.

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

And there's no weakness in taking them. Honestly this has really ground my gears. What a dick. He has no idea of the anxiety associated with having a baby, let alone when things haven't been straightforward.

Also OP as someone with OCD the writing down the feeds thing sounds quite OCD and is not nessesary. Please stop doing that as its feeding the OCD behaviour.

[Whatdoidohelp]

That is disgusting of your husband. In fact it probably amounts to abuse.

Take the pills. Tell him you are or don't bother. He is a disgrace. I hope he has some other redeeming features

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Your husband needs to back off.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Breast feeding is OK on sertraline, your husband is not acting in your best interests or that of your daughter's. Have you spoken to anyone about your husband's controlling ways? My heart goes out to you OP, please start taking those tablets.

[Givinguph0pe]

He keeps saying he doesn't understand why I'm not happy and why I'm not back on my feet as I got back to normal quickly after having ds.
I'm not happy, this has been the worst few months of my life. I can't imagine ever feeling better and that's when I just want it to stop.

[cocochanel21]

You can take antidepressants while Bf. My doctor put me on sertraline when dd was 4weeks old.

I can't believe your DH's reaction surely he wants what's best for you.

Does you help with dd?

[PatriciaHolm]

If you had flu, would he be saying he doesn't understand why you're not well? Or if you broke your leg, would he be saying why can't you walk?

This is the same. You are ill, not just a bit grumpy. Depression is a mental illness, it doesn't mean you're just being morose. He needs to understand what is actually wrong, he needs to educate himself. You can't just snap out of depression any more than you can will away a broken leg.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

op please take the tablets and then tell him to Google PND.

Have you got any other support he sounds awful tbh I bet he makes you feel worse !

[ImperialBlether]

OP, I'm really worried about you. I think you should get an appointment with your doctor tomorrow and tell them everything you said here, both about the way you feel and the fact that your husband's objecting to you taking meds. The doctor will be able to reassure you and could also phone him if necessary. Please, though, tell them what you said about the overdose and about the house feeling unfamiliar. You really do need medical help asap.

[ImperialBlether]

For you, maybe.

What about your son? Would it be painless for him?

[elephantpig]

Ok, so surely the Dr's have prescribed a medication that you can take whilst breastfeeding, so the feeding issue isn't an issue with anyone other than your dick husband.
Also I want to actually injure your husband for saying you have nothing to be depressed about. He'd hate me - I'm getting married soon, going on a lovely honeymoon and will be buying a house with my partner all in the coming months. And you know what? I'm depressed as fucked. And I haven't been physically ill, my child hasn't been ill, nobody I love has had anything life threatening happen and no life changing events have happened in my life. Yet here I am. How dare he dictate your feelings or health to you?! It's like telling a non-smoker theres no reason to have lung cancer so they can't possibly have cancer. And that would be for someone like me who hasn't had anything traumatic happen to them recently.

You HAVE been through something traumatic, medication WILL help, your doctor wouldn't prescribe you something that was dangerous to your baby.

My heart aches for you. You are going through one of the hardest things a woman can go through (even a straightforward birth and healthy baby is fucking hard) and you aren't being supported by the person that should be looking after you most. It's really not right, you need to talk to talk to someone about this. You are doing so much to look after your precious baby, but you need to look after yourself to be able to look after her.

[elephantpig]

It wouldn't be painless for your children - even if they don't remember you. Growing up without a parent is shit and they WILL feel abandoned.

Anyway, most suicides go wrong. So no, it's a shit idea all round.

I have felt suicidal a lot in the past. Don't think of what you want, think of what you are doing to the people left behind, it's the only thing that has kept me here at times.
Imagine your daughter planning a wedding without you.
Imagine your son falling over and you not being there to pick him up.
Imagine your husband being left with your children and telling them to 'man up' when they are sad. He won't be giving them the support and the love that you would. He would be telling them to get on with it. That isn't what you want. You want your children to be surrounded by love, to never feel like you do now.

[Corabell]

Your husband is talking out his arse. PND/ depression/ anxiety are mental illnesses just as the flu, measles or cancer are. You get them because you get them, it isn't to do with "not bouncing back" or not pulling yourself together. I can almost guarantee that takings sertraline would enable you to feel a bit better and manage your anxiety. Your husband is denying your illness, preventing you from taking medication that would help and failing to support you.

I took setraline from when my daughter was 4 weeks old until she was 18 months old and breastfed her until she was 2. She is healthy, bright and happy. I was on 100mcg and tiny, tiny amounts may have passed into the breastmilk but to no ill effect on her.

You seem to be making plans to harm yourself. Please phone your GP/ health visitor or NHS out of hours to seek help.

[BitchPeas]

Please take the tablets. I breastfed and was pregnant while taking 150mg of sertraline. DD and DS are fine. Ignore your dick of a DH. Could you call your mum or sister or best friend and tell them what's happening? Right now? I'm really worried about you.

[NanaNina]

I share ImperialBlether's concern and agree with everyone else that your DH has absolutely no right to tell you not to take the meds - indeed it is harmful not to take them. Of course he doesn't understand why you're not ok because he's not you, and is not experiencing the strong emotions that you are having since the birth of your baby daughter. Does he think that by talking like this is going to make you better - it's the "pull yourself together" school of thought and is just about the worst thing you can say to someone who is so anxious. I wonder too if you have PND and this is another reason why you need meds.

I think it is totally understandable that you are so anxious given you have a premature baby and are worried about her and her feeding. You will in time start to feel less anxious I'm sure and CBT might be helpful. I've read many people on these boards talk very positively about it.

Can you get your perinatal midwife? or HV (sorry not sure what they're called) to talk to your DH about the need to take meds, and that they would not have been prescribed if they weren't safe. He also needs to have some knowledge about mental health issues. The MIND website might be good for him to peruse.

Why don't you show him this thread.

Please believe that there will be brighter times ahead especially when your little girl is running around without a care in the world. Anxiety is horrid - have you tried breathing in through your nose (so your tummy rises) holding it for a second or two and then a long breath out and your tummy returns to it's normal position.

Please see your GP ASAP and take the Sertraline - they take a week or so to kick in and don't suit everyone and you need to try another one, so the sooner you start the better.

[Penfold007]

OP please take the medication prescribed for you by a doctor. Your H has absolutely no right to interfere. Go back and see you doctor tomorrow and tell them that H is interfering, they may be able to explain to him why it's important you do take the medication.

For me having a prem baby was a a physical shock and yes I became very anxious but it did get better.

[PitilessYank]

Children who have lost a parent to suicide have an increased rate of suicide themselves, later in life. I know that you don't want to risk that.

I have been there; right now your thinking is disordered. If you had an iron spike in your head, wouldn't you want it removed? Depression is the metaphorical spike in your head right now and the sertraline is your way to remove it.