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Never felt this bad

(81 Posts)

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horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 12:39:26

I am in terrible turmoil. It's my own fault. Neglecting my responsibilities has lead to this so I can't blame anyone else. No one to talk to in rl. I wish I had a time machine and could do things differently. No malice was ever meant. I don't know how to deal with it and don't feel strong enough to give any more details. Just hoping writing it down might help. If I try to rectify what I have done it will lead to even more trouble. Please Lord help me sad

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 12:46:59

I can't take much more of feeling like this, I have a little one to think of. Trying my hardest to hold it together for him. I am so anxious, shaky, pins and needles, heart racing constantly. Why do these things happen to me? Am I cursed? I feel like everyone around me gets dragged into my problems. Can't eat and hoping my heart will give up on me.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:03:16

I am the only one feeling like this at the moment? It's like living in a nightmare.

AliceScarlett Wed 02-Mar-16 13:03:28

Things sound really hard sad

You can't change the past, but can you make amends? If not how can you let this go?

Are you getting any support?

For some short term help, download headspace (app) it's pretty good.

AliceScarlett Wed 02-Mar-16 13:03:54

You're not the only one flowers

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:08:52

Thank you Alice. I can't believe I have come to this. Life is shit, well for me anyway. I just want to hide away from the world. I have done well to hide it from dp and dd so far. I must be the scum of the earth, can't deal with my own responsibilities. All this should never have happened

AliceScarlett Wed 02-Mar-16 13:14:56

Scum of the earth sounds excessively harsh...

How long can you hide for? I wonder if there is anyone you can talk too?

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:15:54

No rl support as I cannot burden anyone with this. Just need someone to talk to who doesn't know me. Already spoken to Samaritans twice.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:22:00

My poor dp would be devastated if he knew what was going on, can't do it to him. Luckily he hasn't noticed how much weight I have lost as I have been covering up with big jumpers and fleeces. Just want my old life back. That seems a million miles away.

gamerchick Wed 02-Mar-16 13:23:29

You need to see your GP for help with your anxiety. There's no need to feel like that.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:28:29

Maybe I deserve to feel like this? Will I have to tell the go all the details about what has triggered this?

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:28:39


horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:32:05

Thank you for replying gamer. I just can't believe how life can be turned upside down in the space of a week. I even prayed today for the first time since leaving junior school.

AliceScarlett Wed 02-Mar-16 13:35:46

I don't think you deserve to feel like this, you don't sound well. You won't have to go into details no.

Could you talk about the problems you are facing right now so we can help you solve them? Is it debt? anorexia?

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:46:14

It's none of those problems Alice, I really can't find the strength to say anymore. I am sorry that is no help. I have to keep going for my family but I am slowly losing the battle. I long for when we go to bed so I can have at least a couple of hours to try and forget things. But then it gets to 3 or 4 am and I am lying there worrying. I am a failure, can't even say my problems on an anonymous forum! I am a "bury my head in the sand" kind of person and it is obviously not a good thing.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:47:39

Thank you for offering some help Alice.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 02-Mar-16 13:50:58

I get the feeling of wanting to escape your life and wishing so much I could go back and do things differently. I even drank loads the other day in the hope it would stop me thinking. It feels hopeless for me as I have to put others first so will never have the end I want without heartbreak. Plus I think I'm heading for depression again as well as starting the menapause. I have to go out now for a few hours. But you are not alone and if you want to talk privately, feel free to PM me. I will not judge.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 13:58:30

Thank you Goingtobe. I am sorry you are feeling bad That is very kind of you to offer for me to pm you. I don't think I can bring myself to talk about it though. I just need to carry on as normal as possible until the worst happens. I don't think I can kill myself, what would that achieve? It would bring me peace but I would be leaving my dp to deal with the shit and my poor LO.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 14:17:35

How do I ever come back from this? I can't picture a good outcome.sad I need to stay strong even though I feel like I am dying. I am hoping that the stress will kill me, no one will feel as bad as if I had committed suicide if it I die from a heart attack brought on by stress.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 14:19:55

I have dug hole after hole after hole for myself. Sorry for rambling on.

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 14:22:11

I need to face up to my responsibilities but I just can't sad

Marchate Wed 02-Mar-16 14:25:37

Hello horacemorris

It's easy for me to say that even the worst times pass - they do, but it's little help when you are feeling at your lowest

The way you put it, neglecting my responsibilities, implies that you feel the problem was entirely your fault. I believe you think that, but please bear in mind nothing happens in a vacuum. Somehow you got into a position where a bad decision was made. Now you regret it. Is that more or less what you're saying?

You are harming yourself, unintentionally, mentally. You can't get it out of your mind. You do need help. I suggest you see the GP. Tell her you are feeling really down, not coping because of something that happened. If she questions you, it's okay to say you can't tell her because it affects other people too. You can always reassure her that you are not an international money launderer or whatever! You say you have lost weight. That is a good enough reason to see a doctor. Anxiety

Can you phone the Samaritans again? Depending on what it is that's troubling you, there may be other helplines you could phone

Please take care

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 14:41:42

Thank you for your kind words Marchate flowers. I will try and pull myself together before I try the gp, but I will admit that I may need to go because I can't go on feeling like this. Have to pick up LO now so will put on a brave face.

AliceScarlett Wed 02-Mar-16 15:05:40

You don't deserve to feel like this, everyone needs help sometimes, I bet once you have got some support you wished you had done it sooner!

horacemorris Wed 02-Mar-16 17:24:46

Thank you Alice

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