I don't know where to turn.

[LilPudding]

I have been struggling to manage my mental health. Since December I've been feeling so down, I struggle with suicidal thoughts daily. Last May I rang my local crisis team as I felt I couldn't cope, my anxiety and panic attacks were horrible. They arranged for me to see a psychiatrist - he put me at ease and upped the anti- depressants the GP had started me on about 18 months before, but it made no difference. He and a social worker visited me at home, a few days later I received a mental health care plan through the post - which means or does nothing. Then a few weeks later I received an appointment for another psychiatrist as mine had left. I contacted the mental health team to tell them I didn't want to see that psychiatrist, as my sister and I had two years previously, made a formal complaint to the health board because that psychiatrist released my mother from section and the Police found her wandering that night around our town with no clothes on. My mother suffers psychotic episodes. After making my views know in the phone call, advising the nurse on the phone how low I was, she wanted me to speak to a social worker. I told her no, I wanted a new appointment to see another psychiatrist. I was told I would have an appointment 2 weeks later - that appointment has never materialised. I don't see my GP no matter how ill I am, after he treated me appallingly after I contacted the crisis team last May, he effectively gave me a row for contacting them. I am disabled. My mobility is so poor, I am able to move around indoors, but if I go out I have to use a wheelchair. Last week, I finally had an appointment for nerve conduction studies in my leg - 6 years after it started to waste. They found that I have conduction blocked nerves and neurogenic muscular atrophy - I believe I have the same condition in my shoulder and hip, but I was only booked in to have my leg tested. The doctor complained that I was one of a number of patients diagnosed with fibromyalgia, who he had seen recently with serious central nervous system disorders and serious muscle disorders. He complained that once people are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, doctors are not willing to look at individual symptoms objectively. He gave me a copy of the report and told me to take it to my GP, which I can't do because I don't see him and I couldn't go there on my own anyway. He said he would send a copy of the report to my rheumatologist, but I'm not due to see him for 7 months. My sister has always met my care needs, she transports me to medical appointment, because I can't lift my wheelchair out of the car. My sister has met a new man and basically dumped me, I haven't seen her since the first week of January. I haven't had a proper bath and I am unable to wash my hair, I've been using dry shampoo. I can't cook a meal, due to weakness - I've been living on crisps, sausage rolls and pasties. I have become incontinent, my rheumatologist knows this, but again nothing has been done, all my spare money goes on incontinence pants. I have struggled with maintaining a health weight for about 5 years, my BMI regularly drops into the severely underweight range. In October and November, I had managed to gain enough weight to take me into the normal weight range, but by the end of January I had lost it and an extra stone since - I wear children clothes. I spend most of the time my children are at school in bed due to pain and fatigue. I have two disabled children, one of my children is severely disabled. There are carers coming into the home to support my children needs a number of times daily. It's because of my children that I haven't contacted the crisis team again. The last time, a nurse contacted social services because I was having suicidal thoughts, she also contacted both my children's schools - that put so much more pressure on me. The only people I see are my children's carers, my one child is unable to speak and my other child because of his condition isolates himself and only speaks if he has to have a need met. I have spoken to the Samaritans on occasion, but I never reveal the full extent of my feelings, for fear of social services. I don't find talking to the Samaritans helpful, they just repeat back to you whatever you tell them. I've lost all my organisational skills, I can't answer the telephone, I don't open my letters and my memory is really bad. I don't know where to turn.

[Boomerwang]

I couldn't read and run. I can't help you but your situation is dire, and I suddenly feel very selfish and ignorant for complaining about myself earlier.

I hope someone can help you because you really need it.