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Please hold my hand

(48 Posts)
MummySparkle Wed 24-Feb-16 15:59:00

I've been sinking for a while and I ended up self harming today.

DP is going to be angry / upset with me. He's already sent me a text saying that he is upset with the state that I left the house in when I took the DCs to nursery. I haven't been back since.

I'm all patched up now and medically fine, I've spoken to my CPN about it.

Right now I'm sitting in the car by the side of the road. DP is going to want to know where I am. A big part of me is tempted just to drive and not home. I love my family and I do t want to abandon them but I can't face this right now. I'm too tired.

MummySparkle Wed 24-Feb-16 16:05:48

DP just called, twice. I let my phone ring out. I don't know what to do

AgainstTheGlock Wed 24-Feb-16 16:10:41

You know from your second paragraph I see THREE priorities in your life this morning.

1. Housework
2. Getting the DCs to nursery
3. Looking after you

Now, put them in order of importance. I'm guessing toast crumbs don't fit into 1. or 2.

huge hugs

It's OK you know, you did well. You were dressed enough to be able to leave the house and safely deliver your children to nursery.

You "abandoned" toast crumbs, not your family.

Someone will come along with wiser words than me - but I don't want you to go unheard.

MummySparkle Wed 24-Feb-16 16:19:17

Thank you Glock

That's true actually, kids came first.

I'm kind of hoping that he will text to ask where I am. I'm still early for nursery pick up, but too late to go home without coming straight back out again.

What the hell do I say if he asks where I've been all afternoon?

AgainstTheGlock Wed 24-Feb-16 16:30:14

You say you went for a drive, a coffee and a walk because you weren't feeling well and you thought it would do you good to get out of the house.

All of which is 100% truth. smile

MummySparkle Wed 24-Feb-16 17:25:45

I've told him. I had to. He says we'll talk later sad

Marchate Wed 24-Feb-16 17:59:20

Thinking of you. Hope your troubles can be lifted for a while. Take care

MummySparkle Wed 24-Feb-16 18:47:33

Thank you.

I'm just not really sure what I want / what to do right now.

CPN says I need to make a conscious decision to get better, put some strategies in place and stick to it. I want to be well, I really do, but I know from the past how much effort and energy it takes to get there and I just don't have that right now.

Dr increased my meds yesterday, I'm not sure how long it will be before I notice any changes.

NanaNina Wed 24-Feb-16 19:40:38

Oh MS so sorry that you are sinking again. Think you've been well for a while haven't you.

I know you don't agree and lots of us said it before that your DH is no support to you and just seems to criticise you and go off and does his own thing at weekends, leaving you with the children. I do wonder how much he is at the root of the problem. Texting you about the state of the house was so unnecessary.

Is the CPN going to keep in touch with you on a regular basis. Can't remember whether you work? Don't think making a conscious decision to get better is very helpful to be honest - if that's all it took many of us on these threads would do likewise.

Take care and stand up to DP

MummySparkle Wed 24-Feb-16 20:14:44

DP and I have just talked. He was lovely. I think I completely panicked over a potential reaction from him, but we have had lots of heart-to-hearts since then. He wanted me to give him a blow-by-blow account of where I was and what I'd done from him leaving for work and me getting home. Which made me squirm, but I feel better for being honest. He gave me a big cuddle and was just really lovely, just what I needed. He sent the text about the house because our plan for the afternoon was for me to spend half an hour on the house until he got home, then we would go for a run / cycle together.

My CPN is right about the decision, it has worked for me in the last. I need to commit to getting better. I am never going to make any progress unless I commit to getting well, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to make that commitment yet, I'm too scared of failing (again) and it seems too big.

I work 3 days a week and I'm seeing CPN fort nightly at the moment. We will speak on the phone on Friday because she wants to make sure I'm okay.

I have been doing well since I came out of hospital in October, although I have been slowly sinking since Christmas time I think. It's anxiety that is getting to me right now. I'm constantly wired and I'm struggling to deal with it.

MummySparkle Thu 25-Feb-16 19:19:00

I'm feeling really rubbish tonight. Got lots of negative thoughts running through my head

AgainstTheGlock Fri 26-Feb-16 08:42:38

hi, how are you feeling this morning? Any brighter?

I don't know your full back story. But I do know that a supportive husband would be worried sick about your SAFETY, not your location or asking that you account for your whereabouts. Do you have much in terms of personal freedom? E.g., can you kill an afternoon at the shopping centre unplanned without being asked to account for your movements or who you're with?

Life is complicated I know, and relationships are too - and it's never easy to "LTB". I am a year down the line of LTB - who could've done a lot more to support me mentally - and didn't appear to notice/care I'd fallen down the rabbit hole, but did have a lot to say about my lack of housework.

So it's ironic that a year on - although my mental health isn't 100%, it's a lot easier without having to manage his expectations - and it's his house which has a health-hazard kitchen + bathroom. Mine might need hoovering, but nobody's going to catch typhoid! grin

MummySparkle Sat 27-Feb-16 09:23:40

I'm struggling today. I made it through Thursday night.

Today I am tired, sad, sore and a little bit hungover. DP and I argued yesterday over a miscommunication. He wants to know where I am ecause he is worried about me, and that's fair enough.

I'm scared, I'm scared that I keep on slipping. My meds were upped this week, it's going to be a few weeks before they kick in. DP is going riding tomorrow, so I'm ping to go to mum's and use her sewing machine, need to get a piece finished by Monday to enter it into a competition

Wolfiefan Sat 27-Feb-16 09:27:25

The sewing sounds like a great plan though. Something constructive to aim for with a clear deadline.
You won't fail at recovering. It just might take a little longer. Be kind to yourself.

MummySparkle Sat 27-Feb-16 10:37:04

Thank you.

I have choir this afternoon so that will keep me busy. Need to tidy the house this morning because we've neglected it this week. Need to find some energy from somewhere to do it. New meds have sapped my appetite (not a bad thing) but it's making me tired. I want to go back to bed, buti DS just me and DD here at the moment so I can't.

I'm angry at myself for how I behaved towards myself yesterday, and I feel guilty for the effect it has on everyone. At the same time I want to do it again. I feel very conflicted

Wolfiefan Sat 27-Feb-16 10:40:02

Let the anger and guilt go (easy to say I know). Focus on what you do next.
With regards to the house I think you need to be realistic. Don't clean and tidy every inch. What has to be done? What can wait? Do one thing and allow yourself to feel good about it!

Morasssassafras Sat 27-Feb-16 10:50:44

I don't know why but the bit that stuck out about your post this morning was your dp wanting to know where you are because he's worried abut you. I get that. Is that how it feels when he asks though? Or does it feel more like he's checking on you for some other reason? Would it help you if instead of asking where you are he asks how you are?

MummySparkle Sat 27-Feb-16 11:09:03

It comes across as frustration, but I know it's because he was worried. Bit like the parents yelling'where the hell have you been??' To the teenager coming home late. They're angry because they were so worried.

I need to do the lounge and the kitchen, they are the priority. Going to put some music on and have a coffee and try and find some motivation.

1. Tidy the last bits in the lounge
2. Empty and load the dishwasher
3. Reassess and decide what to do next

Morasssassafras Sat 27-Feb-16 14:26:22

How's the housework going?

MummySparkle Sat 27-Feb-16 17:58:25

Got it done enough.

Am currently curled up on the sofa. Feel like I might pass out. New meds are making me feel tired and sick and dizzy. Trying to drive home after choir was awful. I didn't feel safe at all. At least of I've passed out then I can't harm

Wolfiefan Sat 27-Feb-16 18:01:52

You did it! Would you be better having a lie down (and not driving on the meds for a bit?)

MummySparkle Sat 27-Feb-16 18:59:45

I wanted to lie down in bed, but DP wanted me on the sofa so he knew where I was.

Am definitely not going to drive for a few days until my body is tolerating the meds better, although I need to drive tomorrow. Bollocks!

Got to try and get the kids in bed now

NanaNina Sat 27-Feb-16 19:34:10

I honestly don't think you should drive tomorrow, especially as it's not essential. You say DP wants you "on the sofa" so he knows where you are and realise this is because of your history of SH, but he's going to be out all day tomorrow so it doesn't make much sense being worried about you today does it, and leaving you on your own all day tomorrow.

And why can't he get the children to bed?

I'm sorry I don't mean to sound critical (though I am) because I think DP doesn't play fair with you when you're ill. He doesn't have to go cycling all day tomorrow does he - I'm sure a day without the kids would be better for you. I worry that he exerts his will over yours and wonder how much that makes your MH issues worse.

MummySparkle Sat 27-Feb-16 20:47:14

I went to choir today, he's going cycling tomorrow. I am going to go to my mums so I don't have to have the DCs by myself all day. I don't feel up to that. I'm looking forward to doing sewing at my mums. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
DP and I are both in with DS at the moment. DD has been asleep for a while.

I guess the good thing about being this spacey is that I don't have many negative thoughts flying around my head. The bad thing is that im still feeling constantly anxious. These meds were supposed to help with the anxiety, not make it worse. But I know it will take a few weeks for things to settle.

I want to feel better so that I can get myself well again, but when I feel like this I'm powerless to make any changes, all I can do is cling on

Broken1Girl Sun 28-Feb-16 00:24:16

Sorry you're struggling MummySparkle flowers

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