I don't know where to start...
I have woken up this morning and it's back, this awful sadness, feeling lonely and feeling like my children deserve so much better. I had depression a few years ago, I was lucky enough to be able to stop my pills myself and stay off them. I don't see the point, it's not dealing with the real issues it's just plastering over them. However this situation has been building up for years and I now can't see a way out. It's like I have a rope around my neck and it gets tighter every day and there is no way off getting it off.
Mostly it's money that's causing this. Myself and husband have nearly £10,000 worth of debt, my eldest child is in school but youngest is yet to start so I am a stay at home mum for the meantime and it's killing me financially, emotionally and in every other way imaginable. I think what's hardest is I wait until DH payday every week to sit and work out how much we have after bills for food shop, fuel for car and gas in our top up meter. Most weeks I have to manage on £20 for fuel in my car even though I need more half the time, our gas gets £10 even though it's been freezing over winter and even now I am sitting typing this and my hands are froze but we simply do not have the money to put on it. Our food shop for a family of four a week is £50 which just doesn't cover what we need it to, this has to be fridge stuff, freezer stuff, meals, cupboard bits, toiletries and cleaning stuff as well as dog food as we have a dog.
It's absolutely soul destroying that each and every week we are living well under our means and barely making ends meet for bills let alone cinema, swimming, treating the kids etc. I am fully aware that kids need love but it's heartbreaking when we have no holidays, no fun in half term and my eldest goes to school and all her friends are telling her what they did.
Another major issue is when I feel like this I simply can't do anything which DH just doesn't understand. I cried myself to sleep last night, DH isn't here as he's away on a course for 2 days but I didn't take my eldest to school today as I simply couldn't face getting out of bed and facing anyone. It destroys me that I am destroying our family. I have spoken to GP, counsellors and it just makes no difference. This debt we have is killing us. We can't do a debt relief order, an IVA or anything. We just have to muddle through which after weeks of trying to find an answer has destroyed me even more... I am not living, I am simply existing. I serve no purpose and what hurts the most is I was a fairly young mum, I am only 25 and had my first at just 18 so every day on my social networking I see my friends on weekends away, girly holidays, nights out and trips and it makes me feel even worse. I love and adore my children but I missed out on all of that and it's something I'll never be able to get back. I can't even afford socks, bras and make up for myself let alone any extras. I have to rely on my inlaws and parents to get the kids shoes, jumpers, socks and anything they need as we rarely have spare cash unless it's a birthday.
I have tried talking to my mum but she tells me to simply get a grip, I have told her I just want it to end, I want to die. It isn't so much I want to kill or harm myself, I have done in the past with razors but I just simply hate every morning I wake up as it's another day of awfulness. I'd rather just not wake up. My DH comes home later on this evening from his course and I know there is going to be an argument over me not taking our eldest to school, he knows what I'm going through, yet I just get called a useless bitch which hurts my feelings. I sit here every day and I know 100% if it wasn't for the children I would be long gone from this world because I have had enough, I've been strong and fought for so long... I'm clinging on with my finger tips I just want to let go and be done but I can't because it would devastate the children although they are currently playing upstairs because I can't stop crying and I don't want them to see. I know I am not a disappointment and I mean something to them but I see no ways out right now and I so desperately need one.
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Mental health
What is the point. It's not a life it's just existing... :(
10 replies
MrsMorgan1990 · 24/02/2016 14:03
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